Lovesick Borderline

I'm carrie and I am a love addict

2011-06-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am Love-Sick and I am a love addict.

I have been struggling with love addiction for ten years but have only been aware that it was a problem since January 2010.

So..lets start at the beginning..Where did this all happen and why?

Ever since I could remember, I had a "crush" on a boy or was completely pre-occupied with someone of the other sex. Never did I think this was an issue, problem, let alone an ADDICTION.

Throughout my journey in and out of sex and love addiction fellowships, chatrooms, and face to face meetings, I have seen that it stems from childhood trauma. This could be any kind of abuse. A lot of sex and love addicts have been sexually abused, and this is a common derivitave the addiction, however, I have never been sexually abused by anyone in my family and no one in my family has ever been sexually abused. There is no incest in my family, never has been.

My addiction personally stems from physically abuse I endured in my childhood (done by my mother and father), emotional abuse, and lack of nurturing. The lack of nurturing has effected me the most.

My mother and father did not have the best of relationships. They argued a lot, he hit my mother, and they divorced when I was about nine years old. I saw my dads on weekends, but he was never really there for me and my sister. It was my mother, sister, and me for the longest time. My mom and I did not get along for the most part. Her and I were always yelling at each other, she was always getting on my case, and we always seemed to fight. I do not want to play the "victim" here. That is the last thing I want to do. But, it was pretty tough.

I know I could be a brat, especially growing up. I had anger problems, got violent, and fought with my sister. But even on good days, my mom seemed indifferent to me. She related well with my sister, as they had similar personalities.

I did not experience enough amounts of positive attention, love, and affection from my parents. I was not in one of those families where emotions and problems aren't shared, but I was in a family that shared everything and talked about EVERYTHING in a negative, screaming way. So yeah, we were discussing things, but not the way we should have been.

This lack of attention and love caused me to look for it in different places.

It started off as having crushes on boys. Which I thought was completely normal. I was fifteen I had my first "real" boyfriend. We will nickname him C. My first kiss with C was at 15, and we got sexual a year after that and dated for almost 2 years.

After this break up is when everything started to happen. Here I was almost 17 years old, and single for the first time in awhile! I was in this long relationship and I guess I subconsciously wanted to start getting attention. Especially after I spent the WHOLE summer in my room, crying, and wishing I was dead after this breakup. (which my mom said wasn't normal but this was my first breakup..so I did not see anything irregular at that point..until I look back on it now).

This breakup was crucial iN mapping where my addiction started. It was homecoming at our school, and this guy who I had asked to go with me (who denied me at first) then accepted and agreed to go with me. I was never the most popular girl at school or sat with the popular kids at lunch and here the guy I asked, was a football player. Even though it was Junior Varsity, it was still a big deal.

Looking back on it now, I probably looked pathetic. I am now aware of my "Addictive behaviors," but wasn't before, and I was probably making a fool out of myself. Writing him notes and talking to him all the time, he probably thought I was so clingy. But, at the time I had no idea what I was doing. I thought I was just a girl with a crush on a football player and happy I had a date to homecoming.

I would find myself dialing his number a lot then hanging up..and calling again and again. Everyday that led up to homecoming seemed to drag, and all I could do was obsess about the upcoming date I had. I wanted to look perfect and wanted him to like me more than anything.

When the date finally rolled around, I found myself greeting him at the door and him being indifferent to the whole thing. I brushed it off as we drove to the restaurant to meet some other couples. None of his friends were my friends, as they were "high-society" because they were on the football team, most of his friends were on the varsity team, including the quarterback. The entire night seemed to rush by, and we barely talked to each other.

When we finally got to the place to dance he actually told me to "go hang out with my friends," as he went to hang out with his. I danced and didn't seem to mind, as the night ended and we went to his friends house. They were having some party with the popular clique's of the school and we were invited.

After a night of sitting there listening to popular kids bitch about their lives, my date came outside and asked me if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked to his friends Blue Jeep Liberty. He opened the door for me (oh what a gentlemen, I stupidly thought), as we closed the door behind us. We started talking, he asked about my recent breakup, this tricked my naive mind into thinking he was "interested." Somehow we got on the subject of sex, he asked if I was a virgin, I said I was not, as I had previously lost my virginity to C, the guy I dated before.

I am pretty sure this guy was a virgin, and told me that. This was seven years ago, so my mind is a little clouded. Before I knew it, his tongue was down my throat. I slowly kissed him back and he tried his best to reciprocate. He was a lame kisser I thought, and he started to take off my clothes. I hesitated and told him that this probably wasn't a good idea, especially after this being our first "date" and I barely knew him. He said something meaningless and not convincing, but I found his tongue down my throat again.

Maybe I wasn't wanting to be mean about it, but I knew I did not want to take my clothes off. This is the first time in my life that i remember a man wanting to do something sexual to me and me wanting to say no, but I did not because I feared him abandoning me (like C did) or stop showing me the attention that I desperately wanted.

We ended up having sex and I went home thinking I was in love with him. A romantic, "smitten-like" feeling was washed all over me for almost two months after that. Lets just say he completely tried never talking to me. I tried to hang out with him again, he did not want that. He ignored my calls to his house, or my stupid notes I delivered to his locker. I was used and this was the first man or boy to do it to me. I was experiencing a lot of firsts wasn't I?

To make matters worse, he told EVERYONE. He told the entire football team, and my history teacher even found out because he was some sort of coach on the football team and he overheard it in the locker room one of my friends said. I was humiliated. My twin sister found out and told my mother, and I was grounded. My life seemed to be over.

After the homecoming incident, M's friend (The quarterback of our high school football team (how dreamy) asked me out two weeks later! A normal girl might have been apprehensive to this. One thing lead to another and i went over to his families lake-house and we had sex (he wouldn't talk to me after that and told everyone too) I thought he really "liked" me, and I felt so in "love" with him. Everyday at school my heart would race when I saw him. One of my friends knew I liked him, and even gave me a picture of him that she had. Things would've been a lot easier to deal with if he would've just told me to get lost. But he didn't.. Do you see a pattern here?

I was too stupid to see he just wanted to have sex with me that night.

Little did I know that THIS was the beginning of a long path of pain and hurt of being a love addict and that this would not be the only man who would embarrass me, lie to me, and would not be the only man who I would delusionally be "in love" with.

When I used to hear or watch anything on addicts, they were all addicted to substances. Whether it be an alcoholic, pill-popper, or someone addicted to crystal meth or cocaine. I was familiar with twelve step programs, friends were in them or I watched about them on television.

I never grouped myself in the category of an addict, EVER. I drank every so often, and yeah I even got drunk. I was obviously not an alcoholic. I never tried heroin (never would), cocaine, or crystal meth. I was obviously not a druggie either.

I did not group myself into this group until 2010...

When my count of how many men I slept with got larger, I started to to suspect SOMETHING was going on. Here I was battling with borderline personality disorder, and one of the symptoms or whatever is promiscuity. So, I thought this was where my sexual acting out was coming from and that it was a problem for sure but not not an addiction. I didn't realize it was both until I walked into the bookstore that night in 2009.

My boyfriend (fiance now) and I went to the bookstore to look at books about each of our mental disorders. As I glanced in the personal growth section, a book randomly caught my eye. I picked it up and started reading the synopsis on the back of the book. The book was titled "Love Sick," by Sue William Silverman. After reading the back of the book, tears welled up in my eyes and I walked to another aisle to regain composure. This book talked about my very existence...

This is when I became aware that I was in fact a sex and love addict. Someone addicted to sex and love, who is powerless over it and has an incredible dependency and obsession level in relationships.

This is my story, my life, and my story of survival.

<3

Lyrics to my life

2011-01-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

I love these lyrics from Jewel's song "Drive to You."

"I searched for answers on a hotel ceiling."

"I've made love, without love being shown.."

I love Jewel <3

Jewel seems to know exactly how to depict a moment I have felt in my life in almost every one of her songs..

I remember in the 90s-2000's, listening to Jewel with my twin sister in our bedroom we shared growing up. Don't you love memories like that?

Controlling anger

2010-12-13T10:17:00.000-08:00

Life has been pretty okay lately. I've just been struggling lately with my anger. I do not know how much of this is related to BPD or how much is related my my withdrawal and my addiction...but whatever it is, it is taking complete control of me. Whenever I am in a fight with my fiance, I get so angry and I pick something up and throw it against the floor or the wall. Every time we are out shopping and I buy a knick-nack ,he gets upset and says there is no point in buying it if I am just going to get angry and throw it when I am pissed again. I hate this about myself. I just do not know how to stop. This is all I have been doing for 5 years. This is the only coping mechanism I have known. Other than insulting people, the only thing I know how to do when I am pissed is to break things. Speaking of insults, I have been bad with those too. I have said so many choice words to my fiance, and I wish I could take them back. So this week, I am working on my insults and I am going to do all that I can not to break anything. The only other coping strategy my old therapists have told me is to "Walk away" or take a "time out." This sounds so foreign to me. Everyone makes it sound so easy. "Just take a time out when you are about to break something or if it gets bad," they say. For someone who always finds the need to solve things right at that very moment, it is pretty difficult to just walk way. But I know this is what I have to do. The way I treat my fiance is not acceptable. The way I destroy things is insane and it must stop.

Another birthday, ANOTHER long blog post]

2010-12-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

So, I turned 24 last weekend, Happy birthday to me. I had an overall good birthday, I just was very sensitive this past weekend because my sister and I (my twin) were supposed to be together the weekend of the 12th to meet up in Charleston for a late birthday thing, and her husband now has to work, so we will not be seeing each other until around January. We are twins and we have not been together on our birthdays for like 4 years now, I hate it! I was also in a bad mood because my father has been ignoring my calls. He did not even call me on Thanksgiving. I was all worried he was not going to call me on my birthday either. I had called my sister after getting all worried about it and she said she had talked to him three days before and that he called her on Thanksgiving. I really do not understand that man at all. Sometimes he sends me gifts and not her, and sometimes he calls her and not me. He really is a poor excuse for a parent. So, after talking to my sister I call him up and he actually answers. He even said that he left me a voice-mail on Thanksgiving Day. What a liar. I guess my cell phone company is so messed up that they lose voice mails from me. Give me a break.

That night (Friday) We had a birthday party for me at my place. Only four people said they were coming, and I guess I felt a little worthless and unpopular because a lot of people weren't coming. I talked to my cousin about it and he is it is QUALITY not quantity. He's right. Would I really be that much happier if fifteen people showed up, most of which weren't really even my friends? No, I wouldn't. The people who came to my party were REAL friends. CLOSE friends. I haven't even known these people that long, but I would take a bullet for almost all of them. Especially my BFF who I always talk about. Kyle is his name. Kyle is in the newspaper with me at school, that's how we met. He is my best friend and always will be. Without him, I wouldn't know what life really is about. I can always go to him with my problems, and he can always come to me for his. He was late to my party bc him and his girlfriend had a fight :( I hate to see him upset because that just isn't his personality to get upset or be sad. He is a very happy and exciting person. We talked awhile about our situations and then he finally showed up and bought me a bottle of wine for my birthday. What a nice guy More people came, and we played some board games which was a lot of fun. We smoked a lot of weed and watched some South Park. It was a pretty good night and it took my mind off my problems which was nice.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling like I was hit my train. It was probably because I drank some beer. I usually ONLY drink wine and not that much of it either. But, it was a special occasion so I drank beer and wine and that is probably what did me in! I was supposed to go to yoga @ 930 in the morning, but I felt too hungover to do that! Even though I was up early, all I could manage to do was take a bath and go back to sleep. Hey, it was my birthday, so I got away with doing whatever I wanted! I eventually woke up again at like noon LOL. I got some god sleep and it felt good. I saw my fiance out in the living room with a big pink bag, and he said he had to sign my card really quick. It kind of ticks me off that he was signing my card THE DAY OF MY BIRTHDAY. IDK. I am very sensitive about my birthday I guess. I picked a fight, and broke some things, kicked down a door, and unraveled. I also had a problem with the yoga outfit he bought me. I said it was too big (Which it was) and it was ridiculous that he did not know that. I mean, it was a size small but jesus it was way too big for me and I got so pissed off at that.. I was just being CRAZY that day.

WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING. POSTS ABOUT SELF INJURY.

Then I cut. I cut with my razor and sliced my arm open. I started to bleed, and my cuts started to sting. I felt alive. My fiance was just watched me do this and I asked him why he wasn't trying to stop me and why he was just letting me do this to myself. HE was frozen though. Completely frozen without knowing what to do. He then started to complain about the fact that I was getting blood on the outfit because he wanted to return it. What a jerk!! How can he just care about getting blood on the stupid outfit? Well, he finally started holding me and took the razor out of my hands. He picked me up again and let me cry in his arms for awhile until I started to feel better. Then I smoked and cheered up a little bit..Had kind of a mellow day. Went to the dog park, watched some football. Had a lazy day, but I really enjoyed relaxing the way we did. made me feel a lot better..

He wants me to email this therapist I looked up the other day. We cannot really afford it, but I guess we can make it work, I am so afraid to work on my problems. One day I am all 100 % in on making myself a better person and working on my shortcomings. But then again on other days, I just want to be the way I am without changing. Isnt so easy just to stay the same?

2010-12-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

Haven't blogged since Thanksgiving. Lots has been going on in my life these days.

First, I had a great Friday. My fiance and I had a lazy day. We woke up around noon (we were pretty tired I guess) and we watched some football. Then we went to a friends house for Thanksgiving #2! It was really nice. Everyone there was welcoming and friendly. After we ate we watched a few hockey games which was a lot of fun. I drank (Which I usually never do), and I was a little drunk too LOL. After that, we headed home and watched some south park. I cannot believe that I ever thought this show was stupid! It think its brilliant.

Saturday was pretty much the same. Slept in, watched football. My team lost badly, but they are going to a bowl game so that's good. After getting pretty high and watching a few football games, some friends came over for our bonfire. We have been having them almost every weekend. But this time, there was a pretty good group of people, probably about 10:) Felt good to have friends actually show up to something of ours. THe fire was going pretty well and everyone seemed to be having a good time. I then asked everyone if they wanted to play truth or dare and everyone got really excited, so we started to play. It was all cool for awhile but then this guy (one of our friends) says he wants to make the game dirty, and I was game for that. However, I started to get real pissed off and couldnt seem to handle it. Every sexual question people would ask my fiance, he always applied it to him and an ex'es sex life. Like, WHAT THE FUCK? I guess we hadn't been together for 4 years. He told me later he forgot about the fact we fucked in a public place so he thought only him and his ex had. This upset me a lot We made love on the fucking beach, yet when a friend asks him if he has ever had sex in a public place and my fiance says yes, in a locker room with my, you bet I am going to get pissed off. I started to feel lousy. I ran into the house and locked myself in the bathroom. I wanted to hit myself. I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling at that present moment. My eyes were searching for any sharp object I could find, but I failed miserably. My fiance was banging on the door telling me to come out and open the door etc. etc. But I wouldn't. I wanted my BFF. I wanted him to come in and rescue me and talk me out of hurting myself. I would listen if he came to the door..But he was too busy getting drunk with his annoying girlfriend outside to even have realized what was going on inside the house with me. Part of me thinks he wouldn't even really be that concerned...

After a late trip to Denny's, I was pretty pissed off. After our friends left, I talked to my fiance about it, and I TRIED to talked to him calmly, but it was IMPOSSIBLE it seemed. I yelled and cried and threw a plate on the floor and smashed it.. Then he went to bed, and so did I...

Sunday was alright :) Went to study with a friend for math at Barnes and Noble. She is so sweet! We studied for awhile, and my fiance picked me up to go to his parents house, which wasn't so bad. We were celebrating Thanksgiving with them and his moms and my bday. We had a good time and we both started feeling sick so we went home early and passed out.

Monday was AMAZING. My fiance and I did not fight and I did yoga while he went to his therapy meeting. Tuesday I actually went in studio to a yoga class (for the first time) and it was AWESOMEEEEEEE. I am going back Saturday!!

Fights, hockey, best friends, and thanksgiving

2010-11-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

Let see..I hate to talk about the negative things in my life, but you have to talk about them. I cannot just ignore them and type about all the good things going on in my life. i have to be realistic..

Okay, so Tuesday was a pretty good day at first. At first being the key words right there..Woke up, felt amazing, ate a good breakfast, and felt really good about things. Cleaned the car before class, and the fiance did not even act like I did anything. He was like, oh it looks good. Ugh, why do I hang on what he says so much? Who gives a shit that he only said it looked good. Why does it have to be more than that? Well, all I did was say babe, you know, I wish you would act like I did more than just make something look "good." He then replied with " Are you fucking kidding me." I know I probably should have let it go. I shouldn't have said "why did you only say it looked good, etc." But whenever I tell this boy my feelings he flips out. He didn't have to say are you fucking kidding me. That was uncalled for. Well, I went to school and I did not have time to argue with him. Well then he apologized etc. Well, then I come home at like 530 after being at school for awhile working on the student paper, and when I got home, I started talking to him. I told him how I was feeling so great that morning and hadn't done anything to him and he STILL fought with me, still treated me like shit. How is that fair?? I get treated as if I am disrespecting him, and here I am doing absolutely nothing. It did no good to tell him, because we fought for 4 hours. Yes you read that right, 4 hours! he said it was over, he busted out his phone trying to call his parents and tell them that I hit him (Which I didn't). So I get all worked up, scream, yell, try to get his phone out of his hand, and he of course takes this as I am being violent. I just cannot handle when I just try to tell him my feelings or talk about something, he says its over and tries to leave. It drives me nuts. I asked him why he wanted it to be over when he is the one ausing all this shit, and he is like "Because it is all you. You hurt me, insult me. etc etc etc." Yes, maybe I do that, But I haven't in awhile!! This day was ALL HIM!! HE KEPT SAYING IT WAS ALL ME AND THAT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! Not to add, that he is bipolar. Literally he is, takes meds for it. Its so difficult to be in a relationship with two people who have mental disorders! After fighting for 4 hours, he finally realized that it was all him that night. He apologized, etc. But 4 hours of my life were still wasted. Wasted fighting, and wasted trying to get him to realize what he did wrong. It is so exhausting.

Wednesday was a better day though. Had class and came home, got so stoned and played some call of duty <3 my BFF came over and I cooked for him and my fiance. We went to a hockey game and had a blast. Then we watched south park and I looooved it. I cannot believe i ever thought that show was dumb, I had only seen a few episodes! I love when he comes over. Him and I are so alike. Whenever I bust out a bowl to smoke, he NEVER turns it down. He is always game for anything, to hang out, go somewhere, etc. He is very spontaneous (just like me) and he even thinks he has BPD too. Its really nice to be able to talk to him when my fiance and I fight. It's not like I talk shit to him either. I really tell him the truth about my fiance and I and he offers good advice. I called him after that fight Tuesday night, and he thinks my fiance and I should postpone getting married. I couldn't agree more. We have only picked out a date, but we haven't put money down on anything yet. I know we are not ready to get married I guess I just want us to be...My fiance and I have been talking about it though, and we are postponing it. If in a few months we are ready (After BOTH of us getting help for our issues) then we will go ahead with the wedding at the date we wanted. But if not, then that is when we will tell everybody we are waiting..

Thanksgiving was great! Drove to Ocala Thursday morning, and watched the parade with my grandparents. It was weird though, when I got there. Without my sister being there, it was going to be so different. I cannot remember the last time we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. But, I guess all in all it was okay. We got some lunch, and got high in the car as we were picking up lunch for my grandparents. I am absolutely thrilled that I discovered cannabis. Without it, I couldn't handle most situations. Got back to my grandparents and watched some football, even though the Lions are terrible. Took a walk, got high even more, and took some awesome pictures. Him and I got along great and family came over. Played some pictionary and had a great time. i had a friend from high school come over and it was overall a great night.

I am about to leave for a friends house. She invited us over for dinner and to watch the hockey games. Is it weird that I am extremely excited to go? I do not go to friends houses often so I am really looking forward to going!!

A few things

2010-11-22T06:55:00.000-08:00

I know its a little early to update, but hell I am doing it anyway.

I have SO much anxiety right now. I have a class today until about 6, we are on deadline for our schools newspaper and we have to get it all done between today and tomorrow. I would just much rather lay around the house naked all day until the hockey game tonight. God I want to do that. But, I have responsibilities....I just don't like going to that class. It's like, I can do all of it from home so why do I have to go in and waste my day? Ugh. But, my BFF is in that class, and we always have fun when we are together. We aren't going to be able to talk much though because we will both be busy doing our pages...

My stomach is acting up today too. I do not feel very well, feel like I am going to throw up at any minute. So that does not help the fact that I will be at class a lot today. I need to feel better.

I have been reading a lot of other BPD blogs lately. I really wish there was some sort of support group here for BPD's. Its not fair. They have bipolar groups, depression groups, but no BPD groups. I need to meet more people with this disorder!

Today Part 2

Wow, I actually had a great day today!! I haven't had one of these in awhile, and I am really happy about it. Even though I woke up not feeling well, I smoked a bowl before going to class, listened to Lady Gaga in the car, and felt better right when I got on campus! Class was cool too. I love Journalism class. Every time I feel like I don't want to go or something I feel so good when I get there. I edited a few stories, most of which were pretty rough. I hate to pass judgment on new writers, as I have been there but they do not know AP style, and haven't had an English class yet! But, me and my BFF were there and it made things better. He truly is a great person. I have not known him for long, but we really connect. After class, I came home and glanced at some BPD websites. I found a really good chat and forum, Psych Central. I got my five posts and I get to go in the chat room now. I talked with a girl who has BPD and posted some on the forum. That took up most of my afternoon and then my fiane got off of work, we played some video games and went to a hockey game! The lightning won 3-1 and we really got along. I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am either going to yoga tomorrow night or a zen buddhist meditation!

Saw this on a friends blog...

Think Good Thoughts Today! And do not forge that each thought you have, each second that elapses, each breath you take, COUNTS!!! So take advantage, after all, we may only have today.
:)

Time for a change, for real this time.

2010-11-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

Wednesday and Thursday of last week were pretty bad for me. I really went ape shit to say the least. I broke things, tried to hit my fiance, and just went nuts. Him and I fought a ton and I just could not handle it when he ignores me. I flew off the handle and could NOT control myself. This is probably because I was taking my meds sporadically. But, I have been taking my meds more regularly though. I have felt better since Thursday, I just have to keep taking them. God, I get mad at my fiance for forgetting Shis meds and causing his moods to be all over the place, and here I am doing it...

We went to a couples counselor Thursday. She was alright, I guess I will give her a chance even though she called me "eccentric." But, I did tell her I have BPD and she didn't get all weird about it. She actually knows about BPD so that made things a little better. She respected us and I felt like I could tell her the honest truths about our relationship. We told her about the violence and all the disrespect. We didn't sugarcoat anything.

On another note..I have a lot of catching up to do this week. I skipped class Wednesday through Friday, due to our fighting. `At least we only have school until Wednesday because of Thanksgiving. I don't think I could handle a full week of school right now.

I am ready for a life change. I am sick of being negative and letting my disorder control my life. I am sick of not having an active social life. Yeah I might have friends, but I want to be more active in my social life. Maybe not meeting more people necessarily, but doing more than just holing myself up in the house. That could be another reason I am so miserable. I don't want to start too big, by having a bunch of stuff to do everyday. But at least once per day I have to do SOMETHING. I am going to start out with yoga everyday at least one a day and reading at least once a day. That is my goal this week. To do yoga and read everyday once per day at least :) When I succeed with that, then I will add more. Also, I am going to start doing a better job of judging people. For instance..thinking they are ugly, or weird, or dumb etc. I need to do something to better myself at least once a day too and this week I am working on not being so judgmental.

Laaaaaa

2010-11-16T12:30:00.001-08:00

Haven't been on here in almost a month, that has GOT to change. This blog is very theraputic for me, and I need to post more often!

Its only Tuesday and I am waiting for Friday! I have had a bad last few days, angerwise. I have been off my meds for 4 days because I am lazy and did not get them filled on time before I ran out! That probably doesn't help my state either. I depend on that medicine, especially for sleep. When I don't get enough sleep I am miserable. But these last few days, my sleep has not been that bad. It isn't like I am irritable either. Its like I am pissed off at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and do not want anyone around me or want to be around anyone either. I kinda wish my fiance was out of town or something and I had this house to myself to BLAST music during the day (cant because he works from home and is always on the phone), or watch a movie of MY choice. (Actually you know what, I am doing that STAT.) I just never get the house to myself. He is ALWAYS here, and it is really straining our relationship. I NEED independence from him. I love when I take vacations and he doesnt come. Its not like I hate him or want nothing to do with him, but I need to grow as an individual, but I don't know how to do that when I am engaged. Everything is shared with him. Even when we go out to dinner, the waiter or watress lets him taste the first glass of our bottle of wine, and never ask me if I like it or not, which I didnt, I hated it.

I did have an amazing weekend with him though. We went to Saint Augustine, shopped, went on a date to an Italian restaurant, went on a ghost tour, and we brought one of our doggies. It was really fun and I really wish we couldve stayed longer, but we had to get back to the Monday-Friday grind.

I need to get out of this anger funk right now though. I did some damage to a door last night because I was being ignored..so now we have to buy another door. I just cannot imagine what our landlord would say if he knew that we had to replace some things in this house.

Well, I am taking my meds regularly again, hopefully I will get them filled in time next time I need to go to CVS. After a few bowls, I feel better. Whenever I am high I feel better, confident, and overall GOOD. It's a shame that its illegal and frowned upon so much. People need to stop being so close minded and realize the benefits of it.

We need help. We need couples counseling, I need to go to individual therapy and so does he.

Catching up a bit

2010-10-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been awhile since I have blogged on here. I am going to start keeping it up though..I have 23 followers! Yay!

Life is going pretty good for me lately. I got a new job covering high school sports in the local paper here. This is exactly what I want to do with my life, is to cover sports. When I am on the sidelines, I feel powerful, I feel happy, and most of all, I feel peace. A peace I have never felt before. I have a peace tattoo, I have many peace sign posters in my house, but this is the first time I have actually felt peace myself.

I went to a Journalism conference last week for our schools newspaper. I had an absolute blast. This was the only vacation (besides my Michigan vacay) that I felt good about things and did not worry too much about my fiance and being paranoid etc. I genuinely had a great time. I did my own thing there, and It felt good to be independent from my relationship with my fiance. I felt like an individual, and I am slowly learning how to accept myself and be happy with who I am. I am getting there, more quickly than I thought :)

Today, I have school until two. It is a creative writing class. I love it. Every time before I go, I smoke a lot and it makes me so creative.

That's another thing. Marijuana has made my life so much better. I know there will be critics, who think I am a pothead. But, I really could care less what those people think. Marijuana is the best herb and medicine out there, hands down. It creates such a peaceful feeling for you, and no one should look at that in a bad way!

blah

2010-09-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Im addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
Im drownin so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Aint changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss

-Eminem

Sleepy head no more.

2010-08-04T18:16:00.001-07:00

Its hard to get out of bed when you have 600 mg of Seroquel in you. I stupidly (on accident) took two Seroquel last night, when I only should be taking one. I guess I can blame it on my pot smoking. If I had been sober, the chances of me doing that are slim to none. Because of my little "mishap" I was in bed until 3 pm this afternoon. All morning I tried to force myself out of bed, but the drowsy feeling was too much to overcome, that every time I attempted to get up, I literally fell back in the bed and passed out again. Even though I would love to lay in my comfy king sized bed, with freshly washed sheets all day, and avoid the world I am so afraid of, I know this has to change. I am a young 23 year old woman, and I have to start acting that way.

Here I am, on my summer break from school, spending my days lazily laying around my house, playing video games, spending a lot of my day on Facebook just screwing around, and cleaning up around the house. Occasionally, I'll open up my book in a word document and stare at a page I have been stuck on the last few days. However, all in all, I have A. not been doing things I really enjoy for myself, and B. I haven't been very productive. I must change this "rut" I am in. My anxiety has really contributed to the way I have been spending my days.

For instance, I will put on my computer calendar "yoga every a.m." Okay, yoga is supposed to be fun right? It's not a chore, it's a hobby. Well, I treat it like some dreadful chore I have been trying to get out of. I know its my anxiety getting to me. Why would I be anxious to do yoga? I have no clue! I think it's the shear idea of doing something besides laying around all day that scares me. Change in routine or schedule freaks me out. Even if its something that is supposed to be enjoyable, like yoga.

However, tomorrow, I plan on having a relaxing and productive day, and conquering a.m. yoga. I plan on waking up at nine, doing yoga, then going to a coffee shop or library to write some in the book I am writing, and clean out our car (since there is a ton of sand in it from our beach trips). I just need to keep telling myself "Patti, getting out of the house is not scary or daunting. It's exciting, and far from boring."

Changed

2010-08-02T07:35:00.001-07:00

As I walked into this unfamiliar, indie, hippy-ish coffee shop on Saturday night, I felt this overwhelming feeling of what I like to call "weirdness." I could not stop staring at the people in there, I could not stop feeling like I did not belong there, and as this girl approached me, I felt like saying.."Okay, I am not a freak or weirdo who plays dungeons and dragons so get me out of this place.." That was the part of me that likes to stereo-type and judge. I know, we all do it, but I think I tend to do it a little more than the average person. Every time I do something "new" or there are new and different people around me.." I get like this. I know I need to stop this immature attitude of thinking I am better than people, or I won't find any friends or people I want to hang around that will be worth my time. I will find people with the same attitude as me..cliche closed minded attitude towards life, and that is not what I want to be around. The, "I only shop at the mall and have never stepped foot into a thrift store.." type of person is not my idea of a good friend, rather than just a person with a stick up their ass..I do not want to be that "stick up their ass" person. I have grown as a person, but I need to do some more growing..UP that is, and stop being so judgmental.

I do hope I meet more new friends soon. I love my best friend dearly..but I never see her..(for various reasons that do not need to be brought up..), but I need a friend around who I can see frequently. Someone who would want to paint with me and someone I can have girl talk with. I really would love that.

Im not a girl, not yet a woman

2010-07-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

Smoke flows out of my mouth as I try my best to cultivate some sort of poem. I haven't written in months, and my brain seems stuck, stuck in the rut I created for myself. Stuck in a creative coma, when no good ideas are seeming to come to me or words just don't seem to fit together no matter how hard I try. I flip through my red leather poem book (which I haven't touched in MONTHS) and I re-read the poems I wrote last year. I had a way with words when I used to write..or maybe I was feeling such intense emotions that no matter how i wrote, my words conveyed intense, deep emotions to whoever read my poems. I wanted to write some poetry tonight, but I cannot think of anything to write.. I think I will just read some of my older stuff.

When I re-read my poetry from awhile back, I see how much i have grown as a girl into a woman (someday!).

I used to be the type of person who would just "blend in" or conform to what everyone else did. I of course still had an opinion ( I have always had one of those..), but I never really let my opinion or thoughts on anything be heard. I dressed fashionably, but never took risks with my look, caring and worrying too much about what anyone else would think. I also didn't care too much for myself and I was too comfortable with how i was living my life (and never really worried too much about what I did wrong to people). I have changed immensely. I am not yet the exact type of person I want to end up being, but I am getting there. I am taking more risks, and as each day goes by, I try to care less and less what others think of me. I am dressing the EXACT way I want, and not letting others' opinions affect my judgment. I got a tattoo, a haircut, and my nose pierced. Ever since then, I have felt more like a woman and I am really starting to love myself more and more everyday.

I wish I was fully recovered from all of my disorders and conditions, but I am not. I am not even close. I have at least begun the journey to recovery. A couple of months ago, when I would get into a fit of rage, call someone a name, or "act out" on my love addiction, I just spewed excuse after excuse that "I have problems..or "I cannot help it." But you know.. I can help it. I have a different option. I can choose to be different, or I can choose to give into my problems. I choose to be different and I choose to change. Change freaks me the hell out me, but its necessary in living this new life I am trying to live. Recovery is possible.

Today, I am on the journey to recovery. The road will be a long one, but I am here for the ride.

A few things..

2010-05-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

Not in the mood to blog TOO much today, but I will say a few things..

I am on 10 days sober from love addiction.
I am learning about Buddhism.
I am learning to love myself.

Some things.

2010-05-06T19:16:00.001-07:00

Okay, so ALOT has been going on in my life. Some bad, some good.. so here they are.

First: Me and my fiancee are doing very very well. Even though he found my cell phone with all these texts messages form other men, he did not freak out. He finally understands that I am addicted to love, and he felt my pain of the addiction. He was upset, but he never yelled at me or insulted me for my addiction.

Second: I am telling all of these men off, it makes me feel good about myself. I am a person, and I am NOT a piece of meat. I am a woman who deserved respect. I am going to start living my life this way.

Third: I have been very very productive and have been getting my TO DOs done each day, and it feels good to actually get things done.

Fourth: I havent been to an S.L.A.A. meeting in awhile, but I went to a Love Addiction meeting last night. It was amazing. I now am realizing I do not have a sex addiction. I have a love addiction, and it really hit home with me last night. I found out I am slightly codependent and narcissistic. The 2 paragraph explanation on the love addicts paper really hit home with me.

Five: Realizing love addiction comes from a dysfunction household growing up, I realized first, that A. I HATE my father. He abandoned me all of the time growing up and I am beginning to hate his guts even more. and B. I have some resentment towards my mother also. She really showed that she loved my sister more growing up. I was always blamed for everything growing up, and always punished, and always accused, and it still hurts to think about it. My step dad hates me too, he treats me like shit and has always done so. So yeah, to say the least, I am dealing with a lot of new things that I have never dealt with before.

FEELING good

2010-04-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I feel good. I am learning, this is my new life, and I am going to Run with it.

I have not felt GOOD in quite sometime. I have been anxious (because some days, I don't take my meds because they knock me out for 10 hours, I get sick in the morning for some reason, and all of these piled into one body do not do good for business. So, I have been sick, anxious, and sleeping all day. All I am doing is trying to do the right thing by taking my medications my Doctor prescribed to me.

Now, even though i took my meds last night and slept until 3pm today, I still felt GOOD. My fiancee was onsite and I didnt even start a fight with him about my being jealous over other women. He brought home Little Caesar's, and we watched some new Grey's Anatomy. It was really nice. Then, we watched the hockey game and went to the Drive in to see the new Freddy movie. I felt so great about myself today. I think it is because i am starting to speak my mind more again. This man, Frank, who keeps calling and texting me, the one I fooled around with while being engaged (my fiancee already knows) keeps calling me and wanting to meet up with me. Well, the other day I agreed to meeting up with him, and he had to cancel at the last minute because he had to work late. This was a call from God. God really gave me a second chance. I wouldve cheated on my fiancee! My wonderful, caring fiancee. God gave me another chance! THis usually never happens to people, and I got a second chance from above. Well, I told this man off, said he uses me for sex. He of course denied it. He would NOT answer my questions and was totally avoiding it. He said he has "problems" too and yada yada.
But, I still told him off and we are never going to speak again I told him.

It felt good to put my foot down and I told off another friend today. I am not just being a bitch, but I will take care of my mind, body, and soul. Anyone who is ruining that WILL be told off! I am learning to have respect for myself.

I am one day sober:)

Happy 420

2010-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, my life has really changed the last few days. I quit my teacher assisting job that I got. I know, bad me right? I worked so hard to get that damn job, took so many tests, and was truly proud of myself for getting that job. But, my anxiety has gotten worse, and the job wasn't making me happy anymore. I know, I know, I only worked there for a month. But, it really wasn't making me happy. I should have given them my two weeks notice, but i really never have done that, and I just had way too much anxiety to call them. I was so depressed after I made this decision, but I knew it was for the best. I was making 7.50 an hour, it was crap. Some lof the teachers were catty, and mean with the kids. Another reason I quit, my fiancees boss is looking for another employee to do sales and such! So, my fiancée mentioned my name and he is awaiting my resume. I would be making a lot more money than any other job I would get. I would also be working from home!! Now, wordier comes to worse, if I don't get tired, i will just be working for my fiancee! I would be like a personal assistant/organizer! My first day is tomorrow! I already have my own room in the house for crafts and writing and such, but I can make it my office, this job will be good for me, seeing as I have anxiety and all. So, that's all I have for now.

Update!!

2010-04-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile.lots has been going on in my IDE. Let's start with the sex and love addiction side ar things. I know i am a love addict, not a sex addict. I was a month sober and guess what?? I sext this guy I used to be involved with, then tegge fucking called me!! He had blocked my number for almost two months now and he calls me out of nowhere. You know how much of a rush that was for me?? I was so High, and I texted him. Then he texted me back. Eventually, he called me again! He said he would pick me up from the airport, and i said yes. I threw away my entire month of sobriety for his ass. ( this was when i was at my sisters in Virginia. Then, her and i went out and i got wasted and gave some navy guy my phone number. Can you believe how fucked up that is. This guy was nasty and gross, I did it purely for thie attention. Then, the next day my brother in law told the guy to lose my number and that i was engaged. That worked, he never txtd me. While i was at my sisters, me and my fiancee barely fought. He still worked and billed and such. We had a few titfs and that was it. I was feeling really guilty the whole time i was at my sisters because I had talked to tegge. So, I reset my sobriety date, and I even told jeff about this. He suggested I go to more meetings, and said tegge might be married. I was so angry @ the thought of thinking he might be married, so that started to make me depressed. This other guy I sext, frank, keeps texting me saying he wants to meet up and screw. Then, he texts me and says he likes me so much and misses me. I of course fell for his bullshit, and I text him back. I felt so played and so stupid. So, after a few days of being back in Florida, I was NASTY to my fiancee because I was going through withdrawal. Atleast I now know what causes me to be so nasty when I am not acting out. The next step is to prevent those withdrawal feelings. Last week frank said he wanted to get a hotel with me, and I played along with it, but then I backed out of it and told him the truth about my love addiction. He thinks I am single and not with my fiancee, so, eventually I need to come clean about that too, I just dont know when the time will be right to do that. I have tried to stop myself from acting out, but I have to realize I am powerless over love and sex. Since I still have that mentality, that shows me I am not even CLOSE to where I need to be right now. Even though I came clean about my addIction, that doesnt mean I am doing everything I can do either, but I gotta start somewhere dont I? My sobriety date is now April 16th.. Sucks, but I have to look forward. I am making the decision that I must be sexually sober (mentally, physically, emotionally) before I start having sex with my fiancee again. I have to tell him this tonight, and itll last 28 days. I just hope he shares my same goals.

New meds..life.

2010-03-02T07:41:00.000-08:00

I am currently at school, bored out of my mind waiting for Biology to start. God I hate that class. It is insanely boring, and I really like science. It is jsut the teacher, he really doesnt know how to teach at all.

I just got done taking my Psychology test. It wasnt so bad, seeing that I have missed like 3 classes, I still knew most of the material. Hopefully I get an A on it!

Tonight we are just going to a hockey game. We havent gone in a few weeks because of the Olympics, but play resumes and hopefully they win..

My BPD has pretty much been under control since I went on Seroquel. A situation happened the other day where normally I would want to be violent, but I did not even feel rage or anger at all! I felt totally calm, and I am grateful for that! These meds really really are working!!

I am six days sober from sex and love addiction :)

Relapse..

2010-03-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

I am now almost a week sober. YES, I was 3 weeks sober, but I "slipped." I sexted one of my friends, and that is one of my bottom lines. For those of you not familiar with sex addiction or love addiction, my bottom lines are things I WILL NOT and CANNOT do. For instance, one of my bottom lines is to not "Sext" other men. Since I did not follow that rule the other day, my sobriety date must start over :(. Just like if I was an alcoholic and took a drink, I am 5 days sober right now, so hopefully I can get to a week again. That is my first goal.

I have had such an urge to text Michael. He is someone I was involved with a few months ago. We never had sex, but we kissed and I felt like I "loved" him. But, it was just my addict acting out. Michael blocked my number bc I cannot call him or send texts to him. I even wanted to call him from a different phone line, but that would just be ridiculous. I guess it is a good thing that he blocked my number, because if he didnt, I would have had to reset my sobriety date yet again.

This whole addiction thing is pretty difficult to deal with, but I actually have been praying lately. When I am down, or stressed, I pray for clarity and strength to get through some tough times in the day. We went to church yesterday. I havent been to church in months, and its funny how we actually decided to go. Me and my fiancee have been talking about finding a church, but one we feel comfortable with. We were kind of just exercising the idea at first. Then, on Friday we wanted to take the dogs for a walk and go rollerblading at this park we came across a few months ago. But, when we got there, the park was closed and we found an empty parking lot to park at and just walk the doggies around an apartment complex. This was not just any parking lot though!! It was a huge church parking lot. After we peeked inside, we went home and looked it up online. It was non denominational, you can wear jeans, and they have tons of things for college-aged people! I really dont think this is just a coincidence either. I really think God put us in that spot at that very time. We decided we were going to go there on Sunday, and we did! It was actually very nice and we are going to go back again.

School is going well, I got an A on my math test again! I am very pleased with myself with my grades. Biology is another story..we havent had any grades in that class yet, and the mid term is Thursday. But, we can drop the midterm and place it with something else, which is probably what I am going to have to do!

My fiancee and I are good. We havent been fighting as much, but when we do, I havent felt like punching him. I am now on Seroquel and Celexa. I got these new meds from my Doctor last week, and they seem to be working. Seroquel really knocks me out though, hopefully it gets in my system soon and I get used to it quickly!

This rollercoaster of UPS and DOWNS

2010-02-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

As I sit and write this blog post today, my heart is beating, my mind is clear, and I feel ALIVE! The only thoughts running through my mind today are good thoughts. Boy, I wish everyday was like this! This feeling is invigorating! I had some vivid dreams last night..one of those included me working at an old workplace, but it was present day. I know dreams are totally random, but I kind of took that as a "sign." So, when I woke up, I was in this great, motivated mood. I went to my computer, sent an email to my old job, and asked if they had any openings! I really screwed up that job.. I was on like a 1 week hiatus, and they still took me back. I was late, along with falling asleep on the job.. But, I have a new attitude on life. I am going to acknowledge what I did, but not let it ruminate in my mind. The past is the past, and I cannot let that rule my life anymore. Easier said that done huh? I am trying, and trying my best, that's what counts right? I also am applying to other positions too. I just need something to occupy me ya know? I know I have had so many jobs in the past 5 years, but I am ready to take a step and work, even if its just part time. Part time is really all I can do especially because I am in school.

On the sex addiction front, I have had these vivid dreams of me having sex with men I have either been involved with, people I have NEVER seen before, or even actors! I know this is all part of withdrawal, and something is just TRYING to tempt me, but damnit, I am not going to give into that $#%^. Also, I have had dreams of me texting certain people, and have woken up and I thought I actually slipped! But, I havent, I am sober 17 days now, thank god.

Last night, I was really angry and hating the whole withdrawal shit, but I told my fiancee I wasnt in a good mood, I didnt throw anything or say anything I would regret later. I just said I wasnt in the mood to talk. See, it makes it really difficult having anger problems associated with BPD, and then anger problems because of my withdrawal from sex and love addiction, it makes it that much harder to succeed, but that much sweeter when I do.

Thank you everyone for the comments! It helps to know that I am not alone.

Two weeks and one day!

2010-02-15T08:16:00.001-08:00

That's right, I am 15 days sober as of today. I am feeling great about myself. I really think I can conquer this addiction, not by myself of course, but with the help of a higher power and others in S.L.A.A, I can do it. I still have yet to find a sponsor..I just fear that someone will say they aren't ready to be a sponsor, and I will probably take it personal, like I always do.. But I have to try and not do that! It isnt all about me!

I have stopped going to the co-ed Sunday meetings, I just like the all women friday meetings much much better. I can relate to them more, and some people in the Sunday meeting freaked me out..

Now, for the BPD..I am doing "better" but I did have a FREAK out yesterday. My fiancee said he didnt like the way I was talking to him, so he decided to demand that I say something exactly the way he wanted me to say it. So, I in turn flipped out, and broke a curtain rod along with other things. I do have to try harder with my anger, but at the same time, I cannot just sit there and continuously be pushed, or this is what happens. Next time, i think I will just walk away instead of keeping the fight going. However, it is not worth the pain and strife of breaking things! I would much rather just walk away and come back at a later time. This is just so difficult for me to do! I need to try better, try harder, think of the pros and cons! I can really do this!

Feeling better today

2010-02-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

It is early in the day, but I can already tell it is going better than yesterday already. I feel better, my mind is clearer, and I just have a better outlook on life as it is today.

As of today, I am 12 days sober! I am very proud of myself. I have stuck to my "bottom lines." I have texted Ea when I feel like acting out, and I just feel better about myself. Today is the all woman's S.L.A.A. meeting, and I want to try and find a sponsor today! I need one desperately. I cannot rely on my friends to help me through this addiction. I need someone who has been sober for a good period of time, and can relate to this addiction themselves.

I used to be, not necessarily weirded out by this addiction, but clueless about it, and I felt ashamed to be addicted to love and sex. However, now I am just embracing it. This is a part of me, and there is nothing wrong with this disease! I am trying to stay sober, and I am just embracing this part of myself :)

Withdrawal sucks

2010-02-11T12:26:00.001-08:00

My anger has increased a lot today, and I JUST realized today that is has EVERYTHING to do with my sex and love addiction. I found this online chat, its for sex and love addicts. Its nice, because when there are not any face to face meetings really late at night, or in the morning or something, I have this chat to talk on and to get some advice. Well, I have been really angry, depressed, and have had no motivation to do anything at all recently. I have missed two days of classes and just haven't felt like myself at all. I then hopped on to the chat, and the people in there told me I am probably just going through withdrawal. It feels much better to know there is a reason why I am being a bitch and being so sad lately.

I have an urge to text one of my Q's..(qualifiers). I know there is no point in texting him, its just going to make me feel empty and alone, and get me into trouble down the line, and it is not worth it.

11 days sober!

update!

2010-01-24T05:45:00.001-08:00

update!! i went to the sex addiction twelve step a.a. style meeting last week. it was good..a lot of people there that i cant relate with. my friend ea came with me. we made up after a huge fight we had a few months ago. i am so glad we made up. without her in my life..i just did to know what to do. i havent known her that long but she truly is my best friend

New years eve was a bust.

2010-01-05T05:38:00.001-08:00

I didn't mention to anyone what a "wonderful" new years eve I had. Thank god my fiancee was there, because I would have gone crazy if he wasn't.

Before we drank copious amounts of alcohol, it was miserable being @ his parents house. Him and I would strike up a conversation with is mom, dad, or someone else in the family, and they would totally STOP listening to us. Then, he would shout and be like " I guess we were done and no one is listening anymore.." They didn't even hear it. It was like we were invisible. It was terrible.

However, when we started drinking, everything didn't even matter anymore. It was actually rather fun after that. Then, his mom passed out the family Christmas card to everyone and you won't even believe what these people wrote..

"You can tell that Carrie is already in control of this relationship..she convinced our son to go to Michigan for Christmas.."

Yeah. That is what these people put in their Christmas card they send out to all of the family AND their friends. That didn't make me too happy and we brought this up a few days later and what do they day? His mother laughs and says "For Heavens sakes it was a joke."

There is no point in telling these people your feelings, they frankly don't care about anyone but themselves and their other son, grandson, and daughter in law.

'Right where I was before..

2010-01-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have NEVER been abused sexually or physically by anyone in my entire life, so what excuse do I have for ending up a love addict? I have tried to make this addiction disappear, but I cant. A real addiction will not just disappear on its own. In fact, it will never disappear.

For about a full month (up until a few days ago) I have been "Clean." I have not texted anyone raunchy or inappropriate things, nor have I met up with any men behind my fiancee's back. This line in the book Love sick fits me to a "T"

"Vaguely I recognize it is wrong to seduce a man when I am engaged to be married. Then, I try to set standards. I try to admit there might be a problem here. I try to imitate what I consider normal behavior. I cook, clean..I am especially diligent on the job. I am quiet, proper, bland, and calm. But, I am not really sober. Because eventually, whether after four days or four years, this blandness makes me restless and edgy. Then, I find a man, and I am right smack back where I began this cycle of addiction."

Even though I have been "clean" for a month or so.. I have texted certain men inappropriate things that I shouldnt and I am right back to where I started. One of them wanted me to pick them up from the airport, and thankfully my wise mind told him I couldnt. I looked into sex addiction meetings and there is one for this week. I think I am going to go.

What I want in 2010

2010-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

-Paint more
-Practice DBT skills daily
-Attend sex addict meetings
-Try to stop holding grudges
-Eat healthier
-Run and exercise daily
-Be nicer to my fiancee
-Walk away when I need to if I feel angry.
-Stop being violent towards inanimate objects.
-Be on time and keep appointments

New years eve tonight!

2009-12-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

New years eve tonight @ His parents house tonight. Should be interesting..

We went to dinner with his parents, his brother, and his sister in law. At first, I was really really excited to go, but it started to suck pretty quick. Here, it was an engagement dinner for US. However, his brother and his wife were the center of attention like always. We talked about their kid almost the whole time and the only reason we started to talk about our wedding was because my fiancee brought it up. It was terrible. His mom was talking about how you have to put your salad plate on the left and your dinner plate on the right. It was so painful having dinner with people like that. Usually, I have fun when I am with them but it felt so forced and superficial last night that I could not stand it for another second.

Him and I fought a lot when we got home. I feel bad because it isn't his fault that his parents are like that at all. So, I am not really looking forward to tonight at all. But, we are just going to drink like fish and party the night away even though they will be there. We will just forget about them and try to have fun regardless.

I am engaged, and life is good.

2009-12-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

Wow!!It has been a little since I have blogged but I have been on the road, and in Michigan for christmas!!

The first bit of news is that I am engaged! I cannot believe it, He proposed in front of my ENTIRE family. I was pretty sure that he was going to propose around Christmas, because I knew he got a rin..I just didnt know he was going to do it the way he did :) I am very very happy and I am so damn lucky that I have him in my life. Anyone else would have left me by now.

Christmas and the vacation was overall AWESOME. My step dad was actually more than cordial to me, he was really really nice which was a good change from the way he has treated me in the past. My sister didnt really start anything but she was being a little nosey and bitchy some of the time, but I did use my DBT skills and I didnt react to it at all.

My dad was ok. We spent a day with him, part of Christmas, and his birthday, all of which were nice. It was just that in the beginning he baile don us at first, but that was kind of expected with him. Overall, it was good and not that bad at all with him.

So, all in all I had a pretty good vacation, and the fights with me and Him (my fiancee) were to a minimum. The only bad thing was that I had a "freak out" on the way home because he was being nasty and moody to me, I broke part of my stereo LCD screen..sucks that I did that, but atleast it didnt last too long. I have to look at hte positives I guess.

We are almost home and we are going to a hockey game tonight with His family, should be fun.

"Till next time..

Borderline Moments

2009-12-17T06:40:00.000-08:00

I guess I am having somewhat of a "Borderline moment," or whatever..

I am really looking forward to the holidays with my family. Me and my boyfriend are driving up to Michigan Saturday. I am excited, but I feel like me and my family will just fight at some point. Especially me and my step-dad. I like the guy, I do. I really have nothing against him at all. But, he hates me. Ever since he met my mom, he has seriously had it out for me. He blames me for things, and he just treats me like garbage.

I am going to be the bigger person and be nice to him, but if he ignores me or feels like treating me badly, I am going to say something about it. I know my mom will be upset, because she will think I am trying to "ruin christmas." But, that is not what I am trying to do. I have self respect and I am so sick of people like my step dad who think they can treat me badly and blame me for everything and that everyone will take his side for it. So, I am going to stick up for myself for once with him.

Besides that, things are going okay. I have been a little down lately because I graduated my DBT class, and you would think that would be a good thing, but it really isnt. Even thought I went to 90 percent of the meetings, I didnt really pay attention to the class because I was so damn anxious. But, I do have the folder and I am going to focus on DBT skills and mastering them other than individualizing what I need to do differently, so hopefully that helps me out. I really just want the DBT skills to help my anger, anxiety, and jealousy problems..

Today I feel like being lazy, but I am allowed because school doesnt start for another three weeks!!

A little more conversation.. <3

2009-12-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in sometime..

Things have been alright. I used a DBT skill last week, I am not sure which one..but it had something to do with prompting events. My therapist said if we keep making the same mistakes, the same things are going to keep happening, that we have to BREAK THE CYCLE.

If we want a desirable outcome, we must work for it. I was really down about Math class, because I had to study, study, study to even pass the class. The odds were definately against me. I had to retake a test for a better grade and I had to do somewhat well on the final. But, I told myself, I want to pass this class don't I? Then, I have to do the work required in order to pass this class. If I keep doing the bare minimum work, I will get bare minimum results. So, I did everything in my power to study for the test. I re took the test, and I studied away. My teacher said she would have the grade in a week. I told myself that I did the best I could do. (and that was the truth, I really really did) All of a sudden last week I checked my grades, and I got a C!!!!!! I passed the class! I did it all by myself really. My friend came over a few times to help me, but I think all he wanted to do was check me out..he wasnt really interested in helping me per Se..

I am just really proud of myself. I passed my class and I did it myself because I did the work that was necessary. But, all in all, I did it, and that makes me happy.

Tonight, I had great conversation with my boyfriend. We had a great dinner, and we drank copious amounts of wine. Then, we took a shower, and he made me feel amazing. He told me he is sorry for everything he has ever, ever done or said to me to hurt me. We took an hour long shower, and made love. Then we laid in bed for 3 hours, talking until midnight about things, things that were real. I was being so real with him and it felt good to talk about my childhood..fears..etc..

I just wish I could talk so real like this when I was sober..but hopefully in the future that will work itself out. I just know I had the best conversation with him tonight and I was completely open with him, and he was completely open with me. I love him, I really really do. It is hard for me to experience good emotions (being BPD and all) but, I do love him, that is one thing I am sure about.

Amazing

2009-11-23T05:05:00.000-08:00

I had the most amazing day Sunday. Me and my boyfriend went to the movies, and we saw Blind side and I saw new moon for the second time.

Then, we went home and had dinner, and laid in bed, listened to Delilah and had candles burning. I really havent been in the "Sexual" mood lately, but i dont know what hit me, because we made out heavily and made love twice! It was amazing. We just fooled around, made love, and laid and talked for hours. It was purely amazing.

My moment of dispicable hell

2009-11-21T11:09:00.000-08:00

You know.. I love my boyfriend. I really really do. I am grateful for what he does for me, and I am grateful for him seeing me through my faults. He has moments of absolute brilliance, then moments of absolute despicable hell. Today..I saw New moon with the girls, and I was texting jeff in the movie, and he was ignoring them. THEN he lied about what he watched on TV (which I really dont care about) and then when I got home, he admitted he lied to me and said I am pathetic and its no wonder why I have no friends, and other mean things that I dont even remember.

Why do I have to go through this? What did I do to deserve this shitty treatment? Oh, and after he has been so considerate of my depression, he throws it in my face and says I cant handle anything and that I just need to get over myself. How nice of him huh?

I am awkward

2009-11-20T20:13:00.001-08:00

Had a decent day today. My boyfriend actually made me one of those "I am depressed today" cards! He is the sweetest. I stayed in bed ALLLLLL day and watched old Grey's anatomy episodes.Then, we went to a bar, and had our hockey meetup. We didnt meet anyone new, but we saw our other friends. I just feel awkward in social situations. I stutter, and I dont make eye contact, and I never know what to say..or I accidently interrupt people..I am a mess, really I am.

I hope people like me..that is one of my biggest fears..

I am wakin up early to go see New Moon with another group of friends! Wish me luck.

--Awkward Angel

ruined

2009-11-19T15:46:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend just surprised me with an E-card because I am depressed. What do I do? I get mad at him because he did it in his car and he isn't home yet. How shitty of me? I am going to lose him, I just know it. I completely deserve it though. I don't deserve him at all. He is so good to me, and I mess it up.

Where is my I am depressed today card?

2009-11-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

I know what the problem is.

I AM DEPRESSED. OFFICIALLY DEPRESSED.

I tend to deny the fact that I am depressed when i am because I am usually the "happy" one, or the "fun" "hyper" one. So, I try to keep up what I "should" be, and being depressed, isnt what I should be. Especially with a life that I have. I have an amazing boyfriend who would do anything for me. I have a nice house, doing good in school, 3 amazing dogs and 3 amazing cats, we arent strapped for money at all, and look, I am STILL not happy. It isnt because these things arent good enough, it is because I am DEPRESSED.

I have a medicine appointment on Dec 11. I have to wait THAT LONG to get on crazy pills. I dont know if I am going to last until then. I am already not sane enough, I do not know how I can wait that long to see a Doctor.

Today, my boyfriend goes onsite. He usually work at home (90 percent of the time) but today he has to go to a few businesses to fix their computers. I hate when he has to do this, because I get all worried and jealous of the women he is interacting with. I worry so much about what they say to him..etc.

I really wish someone would hand me a "I am depressed today" card. So, that would get me out of cleaning the house, I could sleep all day without any consequences, and I could just mope around all day and get away with it. Thats my wish for today.

I am supposed to go to this get together and paint pottery with these girls tonight, but I am not going to go..no one there would like me anyway and I would just make a fool out of myself.

Life.

2009-11-18T12:18:00.001-08:00

I feel like I have no friends. I have all these friends on my facebook, and none of them seem to want to hang out with me. I feel so alone. I envy my friends' lives..I wish I could be normal.

Being BPD holds me back so much. I barely have any friends, if I told them I was liek this, they would get far, far away from me. I am in school, and a lot of the times my anxiety and anger holds me back in school, and I don't get good grades on something because I was too worried/stressed out.

I guess I havent accepted the fact that I have this disorder. I know I have it, but I dont want to accept this as my life. I hate this, the thing I call my life..

As I type, I am also cutting myself. I already hit my legs, and have enough bruises to look at for awhile.. I wish I was better..

I know my boyfriend is going to read my blog. I really dont want him to. I hate that he reads it..but I dont care anymore. THIS IS ME.

I dont want to go to school tomorrow. I want to lay in bed all day..maybe I will do that until I have to go to school..if I go to school, why does it matter what I do before then?

Cant WAIT for thanksgiving (Sarcasm). My grandparents already said we cant bring all of our dogs, only one. How crappy is that? And, why do I even want to go up to see my family anyway? All they ever do is ignore me and talk about my sisters "perfect" life, or they talk about family things that I was never aware of because no one cared to tell me about them.

Part of me just wants to have Thanksgiving with my boyfriend here @ our home. But, I will get a lot of shit from my mother if I do that.

I am always the bad guy. No matter what.

Friends

2009-11-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have no friends. I have all these friends on my facebook, and none of them seem to want to hang out with me. I feel so alone. I envy my friends' lives..I wish I could be normal.

Another bad fight

2009-11-17T05:23:00.000-08:00

I havent broken anything in such a long time..but I snapped last night. I broke our sliding glass doors in out bedroom, and my bfs laptop (thankfully he has a warranty on it)..but I just snapped..

I came home and was talking to him, and he lied about something really stupid, that I shouldnt have gotten so upset about. But then, he knew I was ,ad @ him, so he ignored me for like an hour. Then, he flung all these insults at me, hurting my feelings..etc.. and I lost it.

I need to cool down..to calm down in situations like that. DBT has shown me a lot of skills, I just need to start using the darn things..

We are better this morning, but I am still upset at myself that I let him get to me like that.

All I have today is DBT and Math class. Sounds so f-in fun doesnt it? Then, I dont really know what I will be up to.

Little update

2009-11-14T11:55:00.001-08:00

Having a pretty good day today. I went to an arts and crafts show with Him, and we got some Christmas gifts for our family. Now, we are watching football and going to a hockey game later.

My violent rages have been mild lately, I havent really felt like breaking anything. That is pretty good, considering I am not on any medicine at all..

Well, that is all I have for now.

Until next time..

Feel

2009-11-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here, getting wasted. I dont have school on Fridays, M-Thursday only. I just took a math test, and I think I TOTALLY bombed it. So, I am getting drunk, watched some porn, and am waiting for my man to come home so we can go to a hockey game.

Things are good today. Me and Him are happy with each other, and havent fought, which is a good thing. But, I am feeling a little non-pretty today. I am really debating getting implants.. I hate my chest, I hate it a lot. It is too small, and I am sick of not having big boobs. I dont need the attention, or even want it, but I want to feel pretty, and I dont today, at all. My body is good, except for that part.

Also, I need weed too. I havent smoke in almost a month, and it sucks ass. All of my connections arent getting back to me and I am getting pissed! I need weed, it makes me feel better.

I WANT A FIGHT

2009-11-10T11:51:00.001-08:00

I WANT THINGS TO GET BAD. I FEEL LIKE I CAN ONLY FUNCTION WHEN THINGS ARE BAD. UGHH.. I WANT THE VIOLENCE AND THE PAIN AND THE INSULTS. BUT HE ISNT BUDGING. HE WONT FIGHT BACK. HE WONT. FIGHT ME BACK. FIGHT BACK NOW.

New Computer

2009-11-03T05:21:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I got a new computer over the weekend! Yay!! It is Pink, and it is absolutely perfect. I am just sooo frustrated with the process of copying all of my music and documents, etc, to it. My boyfriend is an IT guy, so he is handling all that for me.

I feel bad because I wasn’t so nice to him last night about it, because there were all of these errors and such. I do appreciate him and what he does for me very much, but when it comes to my computer, I am a little touchy…

Other than than, things are decent..we had a big fight yesterday about a lie of his..(whats news) but other than that, things are okay :)

Us

2009-10-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, so I had an amazing weekend with my man. Some bad stuff happened last week, and we really had a breakthrough this weekend. I think we are really going to make it.

We looked at engagement rings on Saturday! I had never done that before with ANYONE. I had a blast, and I found the ring that I would absolutely die for. I have such a good feeling about us.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I am the worst thigng that has ever happened to him, he deserves so much better.

The no longer best friend

2009-10-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I havent posted in quite some time, so this will be a long one!

Lets see, for starters, the ONLY best friend I thought I had, isn't my best friend anymore at all. She has BOD too, which I thought was a kind of good thing bc we coudl really relate, but actually, it is horrible. She has been canceling on me every single time we plan to meet up. I ten to cancel ALOT, but NEVER this much, and NEVER to her.) So this past weekend, she was supposed to come over on Friday. It was 330, the time she was supposed ot be over, and I texted her, asking if she was coming over. I didn't get a response until 430, and she said she wasnt able to show up. I got very upset, and I didn't disrespect her or anything, but I just said how I have BPD too, and that it hurts me to be abandoned by her all of the time. She completely flipped out and took it all personal and insulted me, disrespected me..etc. We exchanged texts for a few hours, but I had had enough of it, because I want going to jsut sit there and let her insult me. So I stopped responding, which made her more upset. Then, she said we werent going to be friends anymore because I was "ignoring" her. I didnt really have a problem with that because she was blowing this way out of proportion.

A few hours went by, I went to dinner with my boyfriend, and I came home and got a message from her on MSN. She was flipping out because my sister had sent her a message just saying "Hey, you really didnt have to hurt my sister like that, you really upset her" type of thing, nothing confrontational at all. She took it way too far after that. Saying I am only @ a community college and not a real school, that my boyfirned shouldve left me a long time ago..etc. So I had enough and said some choice words back to her..but she then said she was going to come to my hosue and KILL me! I had to call the police, I was very scared especially since she is so unstable. We just filed a complaint, and she never called again.

It just really hurts me that people do this to me. They manipulate things and make them seem like my fauly. All I did was say it hurts me that she cancels. I did nothing wrong, yet I get htis kind of reaction? Not fair @ all. So, not I am down one friend, which is jsut great because I dont have that many to begin with.

Fucked

2009-09-28T09:11:00.001-07:00

I just want to quit school. I just got done taking a lab test for science, and I think I completely bombed the fucking thing. I hate my life

2009-09-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Cut myself again last night..does that mean I am a cutter? I actually like it..is that wrong?

I really thought I was close to recovery, but in all reality, I am worse off than I thought I was..yep..life blows..

I ran out of bud..and I neeeeed it. Man it makes me feel awesome..and I WANT to feel awesome. I neeeeed some green.

College football all day today, hopefully Michigan wins.

Its going to be a great day

2009-09-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well, monday I was having a awesome day, and it kind of got ruined bc of lies I found out from HIM. HIM not working, etc.( he is an independent contractor, so if he doesnt work, he doesnt get paid). And I cut myself bc of it..the fight we had..

But, thats the past and I am not dwelling on it. I feel good today, today is going ot be a great day and the past is behind me.

A certain someone texted me yesterday and I called them and said leave me alone. I am happy, and do not call me and even try to ruin it.

I am done seeking attention from other men, I really am. And anyone who wants to try to do that to me, will get my fist in their face.

The great weekend

2009-08-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a pretty awesome weekend :) Went to Ocala to visit the grandparents, saw my twin sis, and some other family. It was my cousins 10th birthday, so we were going up there for that, and just to visit family. We stayed there from Friday till Sunday. It was pretty nice. Saturday me, HIM, my sism and her husband went to the mall to find us a new bed spread, and we found a really nice one. Thenw e came hoem to set up for the birthday party. Everything was fine but I got like a weird feeling that came over me, and I just felt NUMB AND EMPTY. I hate when I feel like that. It sucks. But, instead of taking it out on everyone, I took a nap, and I felt better when I got up. We had the party, then we went to an old friend from high schools house. It was actually really really fun, we drank, smoked, and played some drinking games :) It was nice that HE got to meet some of my old friends. I kinda got really messed up and drank and smoke too much, but its all good.

We left Sunday morning, and came back home and we rearranged our whoel bedroom bc we got a new king bed!!! It was all in all a really really great weekend. Today has been pretty good so far also.

I am having this problem with two friends of mine though..they are getting on my last nerves. They keep texting me and wont leave me alone!!!!! I am trying not to text as much, bc it really wastes your life away. I dont want to miss a single part of life bc i was too busy texting.

The discovery

2009-08-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

Started classes again. I am taking five, and they include Earth Space Science lab and lecture, Art appreciation, journalism, and Math. Fun stuff..

I have felt alright lately, the anxiety is still there, I am off of my meds because I am just a lazy fuck and havent gotten around to making an appointment.. But I did discover weed... oh yes..weed.

Weed makes me feel like the best thing everrr. I looove it. he

Heres to you

2009-08-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

Heres to you.
The one who comes crashing in, like a thunderstorm.
Who makes my heart stop beating, makes my thoughts scattered.
The one who treated me like a princess, then let me down.
Heres to you, asshole.
The one that just wanted to screw me.
The one who acts like I dont even exist anymore.
The one who tried to ruin my three year relationship, fuck you. Fuck you, and fuck YOU.

Havent blogged in awhile..

2009-07-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, I havent posted in awhile!! I got the jobs at Books a million! I am so happy. I havent worked too many hours yet, but hopefully thats just because it is just training. I am going to talk to them today and make sure I can get more hours. I like the job, its pretty easy going, and all the people are really nice,so its a good fit!

Him and I are pretty good, things really have changed for the better. He is on new meds and my DBT is going great, so things are definitely looking up.

The anxiety is back

2009-06-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

UGHHHHH

My anxiety is back because I havent been taking my meds every night, because I will run out and I havent scheduled another appointment with my doctor..I better do that..

But yeah, my anxiety is back in full force. I have a list of like 6 things I need to do today, and I am finding myself just sitting here avoiding them completely. It took me until 10 am to actually get dressed, I circled around the house and eventually got dressed when I was too bored to keep just sitting around. Then, I took the dogs for a walk. When I got home, I looked at my to do list and I just let out a deep sigh..because my anxiety is keeping me from being productive. I just want to lay in bed all day long and not do a thing, and sleep, sleep, sleep. But, I really cant just sleep my life away. Boy, do I wish I could. But, thats not realyl a life worth living now is it? I also really need to study my DBT skills so I get the boll rolling with recovery and therapy.. ugh..life is such a hard thing for me..it really really is.

I am supposed to be going to this thing tonight, girls game night meetup. Its wit this meetup group that I belong to. I really want to go, and hopefully I dont let my anxiety get in the way of it, and just stay in tonight and avoid going completely. Man, I am just a huge mess still arent I?

The AHHHH

2009-06-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well..I kicked in His computer while he was on the phone with some cunt doing some stupid presentation. He was being wayy too nice to her and I just had enough of his little shit and I let loose, and kicked the computer he was working on. It didnt do anything, but after he hung up the phone with her, he said it was "over" but of course it wasnt. I was just so god damned upset, he was talking so nice to this cunt, nicer than usual, and it REALLY REALLY set me off.

I really need to stop interfering with his work though. Its not fair to him. No matter how upset I get, I cannot kick his computers in, and possibly make him lose his job. I cannot do that. It has to stop. I just have to not be in his office whiel eh is on the phone, or bug him while he is on a support call..sounds easier than it really is..

I didnt go to DBT today. This was the first appointment I missed, I really should not have missed it..I told my boyfriend I was sick (Which is partly true, I started my period and im feeling yucky) but the main truth is I just didnt want to get out of the house. I am really depressed and PMSing and didnt want to face the world today.

I really want to hear back from books a million. They basically said I could have the job if the background check passes. I got arrested in May 07, but I was NEVER convicted, the charges were dropped. So, hopefully I pass the backgroudn check and I get the job. I NEED to get out of this house, and I NEED something on my own, to myself. I really believe I can work and show up and not call out like I used to. I really really want to get this job. I emailed the lady today, so hopefully I get it... I really will be upset if I dont.

I dont really know what I am doing today. Porbably just puttsing aroudn teh house, readinhg my book, and being extremely anxious. Doesnt that sound like soo much fun?!

The ungrateful jerk

2009-06-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of you. You just said that I act helpless. Really? I am helpless? Right.. a helpless person cleans the house all damn day long, a helpless person cleans the bedroom, the living room, sweeps the floors, swiffers the floors, and takes the dogs on walks. I take care of the house and make sure it looks great. Yeah, I am so helpess arent I? You are such a ungrateful bastard. You sit it your precious chair all damn day long in your boxers while you look at a computer all day. What an easy life. I have to sit here and worry about what your doing all day long, I have to go through my therapy while you dont call your therapist to schedule appointments. You watch CSI all damn day long and look at nasty sluts on your porn websites while I am cleaning your house.

SCREW YOU

The feel good day

2009-06-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

I hung out with my bestie yesterday..she wanted me to go to an anorexic meeting with her for support, and I went. It felt really good to go there with her. I might not know that much about anorexia, but I was there for her when she needed it and it made me feel good. After that, we went to Plato's closest, and then to Michaels to get friendship bracelet stuff! It was a lot of fun, we said we are going to hang out once a week and have girly daysw, no boys invited!! Then me and Him when to a baseball game to help our other friend volunteer and sell tickets for Shriners. It was a lot of fun, felt good to give back to the community!!

I hold the happiness in my hands

2009-06-10T14:07:00.001-07:00

Well..my math class officially kicked my ass. I am droppng it so I dont get an F. I failed all my tests and there is no way I can even get a C in this class.I am really really upset and really disappointed. I really believed in myself and thought I could do it, but the summer class is expedited and goes by really really fast. The teacher doesnt even go over tests because the class is only 10 weeks long. I really really am upset, because this doesnt only mean I get a W on my report, but I cant even gradute until fall 2010, because I have to take three maths, and I only have three semesters left. Three semsters until now is fall 2010, and in the fall, there isnt even a ceremony for graduation. You get a got damned degree in the mother fucking mail. Yeah, I worked this hard to get a degree in the mail..rip off.

So, I layed in bed all day, and barely even ate. I slept almost all day long. I am just so depressed and upset about it.. But one good thing did happen today! I got an email from someone at books-a-million, and they want me to come in for an interview at 11am Friday!! I am really excited, I really hope I get it. I believe I will, and that would be great. I would be out of the house and I will make money whiel selling books!!

In other news about me, therapy is going well. I am being completely honest about myself, and I am getting a lot out of it. My therapist gave me one piece of very good advice. She said, "do not let anyone else hold happiness in your hands." Well, I am starting to do that, starting today.

ISOLATING

2009-06-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

I hate my life. I fucking hate it. I wish everyone would just stay out of my life and leave me alone. I wish I could just live in a nice little house with all my animals, and all the food I want and no one could interfere or interrupt my life. Everyone is just getting in the way of everything. Everyday, I have to worry about what my boufriend does, if he is looking at porn, or if he is working like he should. My so called "bff" sits here and says she is going to hang out with me all the time, and we make plans, and then I dont even fucking hear from her. So I have that to worry about. Then, I have fucking cunts from businesses to worry about and I worry how they are going to treat my boyfriend, or I worry what they look like bc my boyfriend might possibly meet them in the future, and they might be hot and my boyfriend might want to fuck them.

I just wished I didnt have to worry about anything. A worry free life, with no bad surprises or blindsiding things. I dont even care about money. All I care about is being happy. That is my only wish in life, is to be happy. Gosh, that would be the best life ever. THAT would be a life worth living. I can just see it now. Being happy most of the time. Wow, that would be amazing..but thats not the case. I am miserable. I just want my misery to end. And you know what..I was blaming it on everyone else in the beginning. Its my god damned fault. Its ALL me. NO ONE else. ME. So, I am going to take me out of the equation. I am going to distance myself from everyone and everything. Maybe I will make people happier by staying out of THEIR precious lives.

A fight...

2009-05-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

Had a fight today..didnt hit him or anything, but I bashed my head all of the place and I bashed the walls with my fists..cried endlessly, all while He ignored me. I just dont know when the ignoring will ever stop. Or if it ever will stop, it might just go on forever, wouldnt that be nice?

I had to take my math test at school today in the schools testing center because I wont be here when the test is taken by everyone else. I will be at my grandmas house in Tennessee. I totally bomed the test. Not only was I upset and stressed out because he was fighting with me, I didnt know the material as well as I should have. I think we can drop one test grade, I'm guessing. So, this will definitly be the one I drop.

Tonight we have a meetup at a hockey bar with our hockey group to watch the Red Wings game..dont know what else we are doing this weekend. We will have to see.

Until next time..

The awesome boyfriend

2009-05-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

I got a new computer today! It an HP mini. It is awesome! Its soo tiny and compact and it can fit in my purse:) My boyfriend new I really really wanted it. So he got it for me and it came in the mail today! I love him soo much, I really appreciate everything he does for me. We have really been getting along recently. Our sex like is back, and things are going great.

I am going to visit my grandma (my dads mom) in Tennessee, my sister and my brother and law are going to.. my bf cant go :( He cant miss work though..but maybe itll be good for us to have a few days to ourselves.

Tonight, just watchin hockey of course and I am going to do a practice test for my first test in math. It is wednesday, but I am taking it early since I will be at my grandmas place. I took the quiz a few days ago and it was pretty easy! So maybe I can get an A in this class!

So, things are going well and I hope it stays that way for awhile. Till next time..

Update on the Job search

2009-05-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I didnt get the job. :( Yeah, I am kind sad about it, but what can you do? I am going to call the places I applied to last week, tomorrow so I can see if I can get somethin else..

In the mean time I am just looking for a job and hoping it comes along..

until next time..

The Agony of waiting for a response

2009-05-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I went to my interview yesterday afternoon. The manager was pretty nice, the interview lasted only ten minutes but he seemed to be in a hurry. He said he would let me know in 48 hours if they hire me or not! I had a dream last night.. (its coming back to me now) that I got the job I think! I really hope that is true. I still have anxiety and stuff but I think I am much better. I haven't worked in like 6 months and I think I have gotten much much better since I haven't worked in awhile. I really really want a job. That sounds kind of odd coming out of me, but I really want the responsibility. I can handle it now, I really really can.

On another note.. My hockey team won their game 7 last night (Detroit Red Wings) it was awesome! Two of my friends came over, and we had a lot of fun. They are from Detroit and they are two of my really really good friends. Its nice to watch the games with them.

School is going well. I am only taking one class over the summer (math) and I seem to be up to speed on it and not lost yet. I am trying my best to get a B in this class..But one thing that annoys me. There is this girl who sits behind me and before I finish working the problem we are supposed to be working on, she blurts out the fucking answer! Its sooo annoying. Sometimes she isn't even right! I want to say something to her..or I might just sit somewhere else..

Well, I am going to apply online to some more jobs. Wish me luck!

The interview

2009-05-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody! You know how I have been trying to get a job?? Well, I have an interview tomorrow at 3! I am so excited! I really believe I can get the job, and I believe I can turn things around and be on time and not feel extremely anxious and worry about things when I am at work. I believe in myself, I really really do.

DBT was pretty good yesterday, it was probably one of the best meetings, I got a lot out of it. I had an individual skills training appointment a half hour afterwards. That was really nice, my counselor gave me a lot of great advice on how to deal with situations and problems. One main thing I have learned is that emotions are not bad, its okay to be angry, but its NOT okay to react and give into that emotion.. There are plenty of steps I have learned so I can act in the way I need to. I am very thankful to my counselor and this Mental Health place because I dont know where I would be without it. It is really helping me.

I am at school right now, yeah I know its the summer! But, I am taking a summer class (math) ugh! But, I HAD to take it this semester because I only have 3 maths left and 3 semesters, so I had no choice :( But, just sitting here at school makes me think of my boyfriend who is paying for my school. It means so much to me that he is letting me go to school and is letting me get even closer to my dream of becoming a sports reporter. If he wasnt helping me, I dont even know when I would be able to afford school. It wouldnt happen for a ver long time. I am very appreciative of his help, it means very much to me..

Plans for tonight, playoff hockey and America Idol. My wings lost last night..UGH. But there is a game 7 tomorrow night in Detroit.. they HAVE to win tomorrow, literally!

I am out..hope you all are getting something from my blog! Until later..

<3

Still Fighting

2009-05-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Hm..lets see..dont really want to talk about how me and my bf have been..it hasnt been so good. I have flipped out and gotten violent again. I have tried wise mind a few times, and it has worked a few times, and sometimes it doesnt..we will see how this progresses.

Just trying to get a job. I really dont want one but I have to pay for my school and I want some extra cash to do my hair and help Him out with all of our bills since he is the only one working right now..

Other than that..not too much more to post. I met my new friend, Andrea, she is awesome. I love her! She is just like me and we relate a lot. Im so glad to have her as a friend.

WISE MIND

2009-05-06T07:02:00.001-07:00

Yay!!! I used wise mind a few minutes ago and it worked:) yeah buddy! My bf was being a total jerk and I thought of the facts, and I calmed myself down! It was so awesome, I am proud of myself!!

Upset and sad

2009-05-05T06:07:00.000-07:00

I am not as happy as I was last post.. the bf and I fought last night, and I hit myself pretty badly...not a good day..and today I am just soooo ungodly tired..going to DBT soon..

The new friend!

2009-05-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Hey all who read this, and all who dont..

I have been feeling great on the mental side of things lately. The medicine does make me extremely tired, but that might be just because I have only been on it for a week. Other than that, I have been anxiety free and pretty happy. So that is great, and me and my boyfriend have been getting along great, and I am very happy.

I also met (well we havent met yet) but this girl I have been meaning to meet up with for a babysitting thing said that she had bpd on her myspace. I was like wow, I dont know if this is a sign or what, but I texted her about it and she was very open and we talked about it for like an hour online. I think she might be the best friend I have been looking for. I mean yeah, I have my sister, and she will always be like a best friend to me forever, but I want to find a non family member who lives around me who can be there. We are meeting Sunday! I am excited!

Red wings won! (my hockey team for those of you who aren't familiar with hockey) They are leading the series 1-0 against the Ducks. The game was awesome, and they play again Sunday, cant wait to see it!

My sister

2009-04-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

My sister had a miscarriage last night :( I feel so bad for her. She was so excited about the baby, I am very sad too. But, she said her and husband are going to try again. So I hope for the best..

As for me, these meds might make me tired but I am freakin happy happy happy. I am finally on happy pills and loving it.

The meds

2009-04-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

I got home from DBT a few hours ago..but before I dive into that..I forgot to mention that Friday was my medicine appointment and first with a psychiatrist at this new place..

He really didnt act like he knew what he was doing, he asked about my families history of mental illness and the like. Then, he handed me a freaking Bi-polar packet to take home..and shoved prescriptions at me. I am not bipolar. My boyfriend is and I am not anywhere close to that, I am not saying Bi-polar is a bad thing, I am just saying, that is NOT what I have. I am taking Lamictal and Lexapro in the morning. It was doing just fine without any side effects, but has since made me tired. I called my case worker, but she hasnt responded, so I am just going to start taking it at night instead. I wont stop taking it altogether, that would be bad. But, I will just take it at night instead. I was so freaking tired all day yesterday. After school, Him and I watched TV and hockey all night, and I kept falling back asleep. I slept soundly last night, but still woke up tired. Hopefully taking it at night will do the trick.

Now, DBT was pretty good today. This week we are supposed to be building on Mastery. Mastery is finding something you like to do, something that makes us feel accomplished and productive and doing that atleast once a day. Today I read some of my book, and my counselor said that that definitley works!

DBT is going well and I am impressed with it so far. It is like my haven going there. Everyone understands me and is going through the same thing that I am going through. I just hope it keeps going so well in the future.

Great weekend

2009-04-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, I had a wonderful weekend. My twin sister and my brother in-law visited, came in on Friday. We went out to dinner, went to HIS parents house and went to the flea market. Going to HIS parents house was actually pleasant. Even though I know that his mom is mad at me for hitting me (as she should be)it was very nice. His parents gave us appetizers, and cooked us dinner, all while we swam in there pool and played b-ball in their pool. His parents and me have had a rocky relationship because of them finding out about the violence in our relationship. But, I think they have forgiven me for the most part. I just hope they weren't comparing my sister to me the whole time..like them liking her more or something, that would kind of stink...Also, I have said a lot of bad things about them, and they totally catered to us on Saturday, and I hope my sister still believes what I have told them. Me and his parents might be getting closer to being good again, but they still have done things that I havent been happy about, stuck up..etc.

Him and I got along all weekend and are still getting along today. We are really connecting and talking out our feelings more positively. Its going well..

Spring semester is almost over, and summer will start soon. I am only taking one class over the summer so that will be a nice break from 12 credits.

2009-04-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm at the blue October concert with him. I love their music. Makes me feel like I'm not alone

2009-04-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Ugh.. I have to design my pages today..I am not going to class bc I said I was "Working." Which, is obviously not true because I dont have a job. Its just, hockey is on and its the playoffs, and that means that I have to see every single game, and also, my anxiety had gotten really bad and all I want to do is stay inside and do nothing.. It's weird, I have spurts of productivity, and then, it all goes down hill from there.. Like yesterday, I went to DBT. Whenever I go there, I feel like I can conquer the world. But then, a few hours later, I feel like I am back to square one.

Back together..

2009-04-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

"Why cant this work if we both try..we try..we try.."

We are back together. I said I would never hit again, I know it is going to be really difficult not to hit. That sounds sad but honestly, it is. I have violent urges and angry tendencies and I hate it.. Today, it was good though. We forgot about all the bad, made love, watched hockey, went to Kmart and played with the dogs. We agreed that we love each other and should be together, but a LOT has to change, it really really does. My control over him needs to change. My constant badgering and hurting of him needs to stop. It needs to change, now. But, he needs to stop saying its over all the time. Because, that does not help, it totally hurts, completely hurts.

He also said I should get a job. He is paying for everything for me, and he said he would just appreciate it if I pitched in a little bit. I totally understand, and I think it will be good for me if I get a job that has set hours. I am big on consistency.

Sucks

2009-04-19T11:47:00.001-07:00

Last night our friends came over and we watched playoff hockey all night. It was really awesome. We drank and had a good time.

But, I fucked everything up. When everyone left, Him and I were going to have sex, but then we didn't because I was too sick and drunk. Well, one thing led to another and I started hitting him and we beat each other up pretty badly. Then, he said it was over again. So, here I am trying to prove to him I can change. I can be different. I can love him. I can be a good person. I am just so fucked up, but that doesnt mean I should lose him. That doesnt meant I should lose everything I love and need..I will be different. I will. Its not like I need him bc I am codependent. He is the one for me. I know he is i know he is.

You, you are the one for me.
You, you are all I see.
Me, I am not pretty.
Me, I am so ugly.
You, you are so amazing and pure.
Me, I am messed up and dirty.
You, you are the one I need.

I HATE THE SILENCE

2009-04-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

Let's see..He just wont stop ignoring me. Everytime we fight, he ignores me and that just provokes me to lose control. I get angry and volatile, and I end up breaking something, punching him, or myself. He just had never stopped ignoring me. I cant handle this. I cant. Why can't he just stop ignoring me? Why does he ignore me? Why doesnt he care about me? I always try to warn him, I saw if you ignore me it'll get bad and I dont want it to, and he just does it anyway. He doesn't even care..I am so hurt. I hate the ignoring. make it stop.

Silence is like a screeching sound to me.
Silence hurts and silence destroys.
How do I break this silence?
How do I break the barrier?
I need to hear something.
I need to hear you.
Just you..
Just tell me you love me.

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

2009-04-17T13:16:00.001-07:00

I self harmed today.
I struck my legs with my fists.
It felt good.
I felt something.
I felt pain.
I see my makeup.
The bruises are me.
The bruises are my broken heart.

Happy today!!

2009-04-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

I dont know if I mentioned it or not.. but I am on meds because of the neck pains I have, and the meds I happen to be taking are antidepressants. I really think they are been working!! I am extremely happy right now. I am giddy, hyper and happy!! Hockey playoffs start tonight and we are having our meetup group over! Four new people are coming and I am really looking forward to it!

I am really looking forward to tonight, and def tomorrow because my wings play!!! They are going to wint he cup again, I can feel it.

I get my Humanities test back today that the whole class had to retake. I hope I did good on it, I feel like I atleast got a B on it!! I am crossing my fingers.

<3 "You cant live the world through a mirror"

First DBT session

2009-04-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

Went to DBT today for the first time. It was actually really help and insightful. They started out the session with deep breathing. We inhaled from our noses, kept our breath in for a few minutes, and let our through our mouths..it was pretty relaxing.

The main thing I learned today is that if I am angry, depressed, whatever the emotion is..I just have to be able to recognize the emotion, name it, and instead of flying off the handle and creating another problem, I evaluate the situation. I ask..what am I upset at? Is this worth trouble/pain/crying over? It is really that big of a deal? That process I guess is called wise mind.

We also got a work sheet. A diary Log of our feelings and we mark if we practiced any techniques or not. I am really going to use it.

You miss it

2009-04-13T12:42:00.001-07:00

Okay, He fucking was all nice to this cunt he used to work with.

Do you miss her?? Do you miss working at that pathetic place and checking out big boobed Staci? You miss that? I am sure you do. I am sure you miss it greatly. Now you work at home with no little sluts to check out. Poor you. Poor little guy. Poor guy who cant look at slutty woman. All you have to look at is me. Flat chested me. I feel so bad for you.

You piss me off so much. I cant even think when you're not around me. I am so worried you are looking at porn or goggling your little hooters bitch you like so much. Sorry Hun but Ill never have big knockers, Ill never be a whore, I will never be like HER. So you should go find someone like her. Go to hooters and pick up a girl there, oh every guy will be soooooo jealous of you. Instead of having me be jealous of you, guys can be jealous of your hot girlfriend at hooters. Sorry I dont have much to offer. Sorry I am so skinny and made of bone and flat chested with crooked teeth. Sorry thats not what you want in a girl, bc youll never get it out of me.. NEVER.

DBT tuesday

2009-04-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging from my grandmas place. Oh how I love stealing wireless connections ;)

My therapist called me Friday, and DBT starts on Tuesday. I am very much looking forward to it, and I hope its the "god-sent" that everyone is saying that it is. It is supposed to be the cure all for almost all of my bpd symptoms. So, I am definitley hoping that it is all that it is cracked up to be. The bad news is that I was supposed to take a summer class, (Intro to Broadcasting) but cant now because of the DBT class. Oh well, I can take it next term. Instead, I am taking math. ugh. Yeah, def not looking forward to that!

Him and I have been okay lately, with the exception of him dumping me Wednesday. I didn't want to acknowledge that fact, because it just hurt to. I told him that I am going to be different. I am going to start walking away from him when we fight, which I have been doing and it has been working.

Broken and Bruised, tomorrow she leave him, but tomorrow never comes.

Angry and Crazed

2009-04-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

* I stay away when pissy;
* I walk away when I'm angry.
* I remain quiet when nearing mania.
* I NEVER snap without provocation.
* I read self -help books.
* I listen to self -help cds.
* I TRY.

I am angry... I already knew that. I was just reading all of my blog posts, I am one helpless mother fucker. I am not in denial that I have a problem, but I just want everyone to feel bad for me and I am scared to get professional help. I am getting professional help. I have a medicine appointment april 24th and I have a therapist appointment may 1st, but I guess I am not scared of getting professional help. I am scared of practicing what I preach. I am scared of walking away from bad situations with HIM. I am just scared to take that leap. But, I am ready to. I already walked away from Him twice today. That was so hard for me and I did it twice. That really is an amazing task for me. I can do this. I can kick this anger to the curb. I really really can.

I talked to my mom today about things She said I just have to walk away. That's all I have to do is just walk away. She said He just has to say things like "Is this going to help or hurt us" and I just said "it'll hurt us" and then walk away. I can do this I really can.

I will lose him if I don't walk away
I will go to jail if I don't walk away.

* Identify what things trigger your anger. Pick a specific incident and think about it.Was your anger a sudden reaction or did it build up slowly until it finally erupted? Did you get angry because you felt startled or afraid? Recognizing the situations that make you feel angry can help you prepare yourself for them.
* Apply positive thinking. Learn to express your anger in a positive way without blaming or shaming someone else. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way, such as "I feel hurt when you ignore me"or "I feel frustrated when I have to fill out these forms". Statements such as these will help you discuss the problem directly and honestly. It's just as important, of course, to listen to the other person's feelings.
* Distract yourself by thinking of something positive in your life. Make a list of four items that make you feel happy and think about them when your emotions are getting out of control. Laughter is a great way to defuse anger so try to find some humor in your situation.
* Get physically active. This can provide a healthy way to discharge your anger. Go to the gym and have a vigorous work-out. Maybe you can express your feelings through painting or playing a musical instrument.
* Learn to relax and reduce the stress in your life. This will help you feel more in control of what you do and say. Relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing can be done anywhere and at any time. There are books and courses available to teach these and other techniques.
* Practice anger management techniques to relieve your physical tension and help you take charge of the situation. Some examples are:
o Slowly repeat a word or phrase such as 'calm down' or 'relax' and take deep breaths.
o Distract your thoughts by working on a hobby or taking a walk.
o Use humour to diffuse the situation and try to see the funny side of a situation.
o Learn stress management techniques such as relaxation, meditation and deep breathing exercises to reduce your stress level.
* Get professional help as soon as possible if your anger is creating major problems in your life or is becoming violent. Discuss your situation with your family doctor or contact an organization that offers counseling in your community.

More ideas to help you manage angry feelings:

Try these and practice them so they become automatic in stressful situations:

* Breathe deeply in and out while slowly counting from one to four.
* Walk away from the situation until you feel calmer.
* Take a few minutes and concentrate on thinking about a pleasant image or memory.
* Tell the other person you are angry. Do this in a respectful way.
* Praise yourself when you have remained calm during a stressful situation.

The Magic of Believing..

2009-04-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this new book called the magic of believing. Its great. Its one of the first books written about the law of attraction, its a The Secret-Esque book. I like it so far and it has made me feel more positive in many different situations. So wish me luck with it.

Now, Him and I have been a little better. We still fight of course, but its getting a little better if you could say that. I punched two holes, one in the door and one in the sliding door in His office. I feel horrible about it. I need to stop, but I feel like I cant ever stop.. it sucks. And, he continuously ignores the shit out of me even when I cry so loud and I hurt so bad. I hate it..

He also has a hard time telling me his feelings. So, about once a week he explodes and "lets it all out." This happens once a week, he balls everything up inside and eventually lets it out. I told him that he needs to be honest about his feelings, but he thinks I am going to exploit them, as I have in the past. He said he would work on it, so hopefully he does because I cant handle that.

On a good note though, I went to the beach twice this past week. Its called PI for short, and its my new little getaway. I go there and read, and occasionally walk in the water. I absolutely love it. I would go again today, but I need to be working on my homework and studying for a test.

I'm taking two classes in the summer, and I hope to find a part time job. I have been really productive and emailing people about jobs and emailing my resume. Sadly, I haven't gotten any responses yet, but I haven't given up hope!

More Borderline Moments

2009-03-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

Whew..today was kind of rough...yet productive.. I will explain..

I have been missing my ferrets lately..a lot. I have regretted giving them away ever since we did, and I of course cannot get hold of the girl who stiffed us by not giving is our money. She changed her number and there is no way to get a hold of her. I almost bought a ferret today, which would have been really bad, He would have gotten very very upset at me, but I was smart and thought against it.

Also, collectors keep calling us. I am so sick of this happening. Its not like we don't have any money, we are just very lazy and irresponsible, and forget to pay our bills. I am very bad with money and I wish I was better at managing it.

But, I applied to some part time jobs today! I have been applying to a lot that allow me to maintain a blog and get paid for it, others are internships. I hope I get one job! There was one that was hiring for a Tampa Bay Lightning blog writer, I hope I get that and the box office job at the Forum that I applied for! That would def. be enough money to pay for school and taxes with.

I am taking 2 classes over the summer. Sociology online and intro to broadcasting on campus. These only last for a month, so I will still have a few months of summer to enjoy myself! I would be very happy if I got the blog job, the box office job, and was going to school. I wouldnt have enough time to be irresponsible!

Back and Happy

2009-03-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been back from NYC for awhile. Lets just say I would NEVER live there, just visit!!

Him and I have actually been pretty good. We haven't fought that much, with the exception of yesterday, and things are really on the up and up! I don't feel that jealous anymore to ask him all kinds of questions about women, I have been feeling pretty good.

My next therapy appt is May 1st (yeah, a little too long) and my medicine appt is April 24! So I cant wait to get on some drugs. I am taking some meds for headaches and neck pains and it just happens to be an anti-depressant, so maybe thats what is making me happier! IDK we will see!

New York City in 1 day

2009-03-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

My spring break couldn't be happening at a better time. I am on this new medicine, which my chiropractor gave me for headaches, but happens to be an anti-depressant, so I thought, hey, kill two birds in one stone! Well, the medicine has really f-ed me up. It has made my anxiety so much worse and has made me have thoughts of suicide. My bf said I should stop taking it, but I want to feel it out for a little bit longer. But like I was saying, I am going to NYC for spring break with the media club for school. It couldn't be happening at a better time, I am miserable and maybe this is what I need to cheer me up.

I am going to miss Him terribly. I hope He doesn't do anything that I wouldn't like, and I hope he doesn't like the fact that I am gone. I am so worried about that. I hope we don't fight while I am up there either. This is my first trip to NYC and I would be very upset if fighting ruined it.

Bored as hell

2009-03-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

My anxiety has been bad lately..real bad. I was supposed to do a lot today, and I just didn't. Instead, I walk around the house, downloaded music, and was just irresponsible. This anxiety has a hold on me.

The realization

2009-03-03T05:35:00.000-08:00

Last night was great. Him and I watched 24, which was 2 hours long!! It was an awesome episode.

I really need to change. He has been threatening to leave me if I dont. I know he isnt kidding at all, he just really wants to "light a fire under my butt" so I change. He left me for 3 days earlier, and I know he would leave me forever, I cant have that. I cannot lose him. Not because I depend on him, because I am deeply in love with him and he is the one for me. I cannot lose the one. Now, I know I cannot do that alone. He cannot help me, no one else can but myself and therapy. I am prepared to be different, God I really really am. I have said this before but I am serious. I really really really am going to change. Its going to take a lot of hard work and dedication but I can do it. I really really can...

TODO Today

1. Call all bills and figure out all debts, make budget sheet.
2. Finish all of my homework for Wednesdays classes.
3. Organize all to dos and make a specific deadline, i.e Friday.

Lyrics

2009-03-02T07:31:00.001-08:00

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
She will never love you more than I do..<3

The busy days

2009-02-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Hello all, everyone who reads this, or who doesnt..

I have been pretty busy lately. It might be annoying when I am busy, but it definitely keeps my minds off of things..

Yesterday, I was at school until 930pm. Crazy huh? It was because our school paper was shipping out that night, and EVERYONE had to stay until all the pages were done. I was okay at first, but got extremely anxious towards the end..only because we were there late and I didn't want Him mad at me..but I felt okay not talking to him the whole time. This is my first issue of the paper as the sprots editor, and I was busy busy busy!! I was just getting upset because I wanted to watch the wings game and Idol, but I watched them when I got home. My baby wasnt mad at me really, he totally understood..

Things between Him and I have been alright. Not really really good, still having some "moments."

I want to elaborate on my last post..

I finally went to the Mental Health Center place, got an appoint for a few days ago. Right as I went to go, one of our dogs got out! I was definitely not going to leave before I found her..I kind of screamed at cried at Him and he had enough and said it was OVER. I finally found her running down the street, and I actually went to my appointment though. I wasn't going to worry about him, I was going to go to my appointment and help myself, so I did. And, I am very happy to say, OMG they offer DBT. DBT is a therapy specifically for Borderline Personality Disorder. Right when I knew I was BPD, i searched and searched for this therapy. The only place that offered it was in the next county, and I couldn't do that, bc I couldn't prove I lived in that county. When I found out that MHC offered it, I was ecstatic. My therapist is putting me on the waiting list. I made my psychiatric eval and there were no spots until April 24th, but that's okay. I gotta stay strong on my own until then.

For right now, my therapist said I have to find good coping skills. That means, when He is fighting, ignoring, or provoking me, I walk away and do a pleasurable activity. I have been working in a DBT workbook, and there are plenty of things I can do. But, to not overwhelm myself, I am going to only list a few things I will do.

COPING STRATEGIES.

1. Go for a run, and listen to I pod.
2. Write or collage in my art journal.
3. Work Out.

Thats them so far..<3

Also, I want to clear out all my TODOS. I have so many of them!!

DBT

2009-02-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! THEY HAVE DBT THERAPY AT THE NEW PLACE I AM RECEIVING THERAPY FROM!!! I AM BEING ENROLLED IN THE CLASS!!! HOW AWESOME IS THAT???

I am in love <3

2009-02-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Oh I am so in love with Him. We have been doing so great. I feel the way I did in the beginning with him. He is just IT for me. He is the best thing in my life. We made love this morning, and it was amazing. I felt so conencted, so intertwined with him. I hope this lasts. It is the best feeling ever..

Last night, we went to the Lightning game, they lsot of course, dont they always? But Him and I really had a blast. He got wasted, and I looked after him! Hehe. I am getting wasted on friday, while we watch the wings game. Its a party to get my tolerance to alcohol up! Haha. It'll be fun.

I am just at school right now. I just want to see my baby, and cuddle with him and lay with him. I will see him at 5 though, I have to cover the Womens basketball game for school, and he is going with me. Isnt he an awesome boyfriend? I am so glad we are back together. I really dont know what I would do without him. I would be lost. So completely lost <3

the nice day

2009-02-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

I got another min pin!! His name is Rommy, he is the cutest thing. I got him on craigslist..

I just feel a little bit bad, because after we got him, we gave our 4 ferrets and bird away. I mean, we did have too many animals, but mainly, it was what kind of animals they were. They pooped too much and were tearing up our brand new couch. I thought they were going to a good home..but..we totally forgot to get the money from the girl, and she drove off. I have seriously called the girl 100 times, and she picks up and hangs up the phone. So. I was jipped once again. Stupid me. I just hope the ferrets dont get resold for more money, and they have to keep switching homes.

On the me and Him front, we are doing pretty good. The last few days have been so so because I have been uppacking all my shit that his parents packed up for me. So, I have kind of been thinking about the parents situation over and over again, and kind of took it out on him a few times. But, other than that, we are doing good. Today has been a pretty good day. Its 75 degrees out, jeff and I took lunch together, and the house is almost all clean. We have a hockey game to go to tonight, Blackhawks are in town!!! It should be an exciting game, hopefully the lightning can win one for us!

Tomorrow I have to cover a HCC womens bball game. Shall be boring. Lol. I just havent gotten into the mode of school again. Ever since christmas break, I have been in a little bit of a daze and havent gotten in the swing of things. Hopefully I do soon..

The no comments on page thingy

2009-02-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ugh..no one EVER comments on my mother fucking site. I thought this would help people?? Thought people would be interested. Guess I am not that interesting of a person. Just a fucked up piece of shit

The Shit

2009-02-09T05:39:00.001-08:00

I am back in tampa. His parents took all my shit to ocala in a Uhaul, and I was stuck in ocala for a few days, which was highly illegal.. I went to Jacksonville to hang out with my sister because I was driving myself crazy. I begged him to let me come back to the house.

Long story short, I am back in Tampa, but we still arent together. We have made love, and acted like we are together, but we arent yet. I will do anything to be back with him. I know I am messed up and I know I havent been the model girlfriend, or even a good one. I love him so much and I really really hope he will be with me. I wont be controlling, I wont hit him. I wont be jealous. Of course, I cant do all this on my own. I need some medical help, but I think I can help

The anniversary

2009-02-03T05:48:00.000-08:00

Two years to the day, he asked me out. We were going to a hockey game, and he said, "Why arent we going out? Are you afraid of moving too fast?" Well, that's when I said I will be with you! I dont regret it at all. We may have some really bad days sometimes, but I absolutely adore him, the same way I adored him 2 years ago when he asked me out!

He said he has something planned for me tonight. I wonder what it is:

Baby, I am so glad I am with you! Here's to making it 3 years.

The Amazing Night

2009-01-23T05:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, was purely amazing. It was the best day Him and I had in a long time. It started when he took a lunch break from work and we played cards and made love. It was great. Then, when he was working, I decided to totally let go of myself. Before I was ina serious relationship with Him, I didnt worry about what anyone thought about me. It is kidn of a continuation of the "self realization" post. So, I put on my Ipod headphones, and sang liek no one was around! I loved it! I usually worried if He would think I had a bad voice or not, but I need to stop living my life worrying about everyone else!! Well, anyway, I had so much fun! He did the same thing, blasted his music through his headphones and sang like no one was around..it was fun!

Then, when He got off of work, we played Grand Theft Auto, it was a blast. We then made steak for dinner which actually turned out, played Donkey Kong for like 2 hours, and baked Peanut Butter Cookies. Then.. made love again.

I love Him so much. I know a lot of the posts have been bad, but its just to get my emotions out. I love him with all of my heart and I know we will work out. I know it. It is going to be hard, but I know we will make it..

BTW..my appointment with the psychologist was missed. I went to the wrong place and I was like 15 minutes from the actual place. So, I have an appointment Feb 5th and have to wait longerrrr...

So yeah, we have really been getting along, I hope it lasts because it is the best feeling I have ever had <3

The realization

2009-01-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

Not a good weekend for the sports teams..

Lightning got beat by the freaking Panthers, and the red wings let the Sharks beat them, still a real good game tho!

I had a bit of self discovery on Friday. I realized, that I havent really been acting myself, for about the last 3 years. This has NOTHING to do with my boyfriend. It has to do with what I thought people wanted out of me. I care way too much what people think. So, in turn, I wore Abercrombie clothes, and preppy shit like that. I jsut realized... THATS NOT ME. What is me, is NOT punk, preppy, rocker, or any of that shit. I am ME. I might not define with a certain "click" or "group" I define myself by being myself. So, I got rid of a lot of clothes, and got my bottom lip pierced, and I am going to change a lot of things about how I have been acting, how I have been living life, and how I think. I used to be a " I dont give a shit what people think" person, and a "unique" person, and I just lost sight of that and conformed. So, heres to being myself and not worrying about what people think about me!!

The low self esteem

2009-01-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here bored out of my mind! I am waiting to go to class, which starts at 1230. I have school Monedays and Wednesdays, 123-630. It is a pretty long day to say the least! I am taking Humanities, English 2, Writing for Mass. Comm and Journalism (the newspaper class). Today in Journalism, we find out what jobs we are doing this semester. I hope hope hope I get the sports editing job. That would be the coolest thing. I would very proud of myself if I got that.. I dont have many successes in my life, and that would definately be the highest of them! So wish me luck!

I have been struggling lately with my self esteem. I mean, I am skinny, blonde, and have blue eyes. I know I am pretty. It isn't like I think I am ugly or anything like that. But, I just wished I grabbed attention. Like,when people see me, they say wow she is Hot. I dont think people do that with me. I might be called cute, but not hot. It bothers me a lot that I dont have cleavage, or bigger boobs. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Also, I have been told that I look really young, like I am 12, I think that is rediculous, but I want the comments to stop. When me and Him hang out with our guy friends, they look at other women and say omg look at that "woman." I want that. I want to be the center of attention. I want other people to lookat me like that. I know my boyfriend does. He thinks I am the hottest girl ever.. I just dont feel like that is me. It also doesnt help me that I like sports. I love sports. I am a sports chick..but that doesnt help me bond with other women or anything like that. I feel boyish IDK. I feel like I want to be all sports chickish but then I want to be the girly girly who everyone wants to be.. Who am I?

Tonight.. just watching 24 with my boyfriend and the Detroit Red Wings play in Anaheim agianst the ducks, its at 10pm, I hate those late games..

GAME PREVIEW

DETROIT RED WINGS @ ANAHEIM DUCKS 10:00PM

The detroit red wings had their six-game winning streak end the other night against Dallas, as they lost 5-4 in OT (one of their worst defensive games of the year). The Red wings hope to get back on the winning track agianst the Ducks tonight in Anaheim. The Ducks are having a mediocre season, as they sit in the 5th spot in the high powered Western Conference. Their goalie, John Sebastian Giguere got a much needed win Sunday against the Devils, winning his first game since December 14TH. If Anaheim is going to go far this year, Giguere must step up his game.