Monday, June 6, 2011

I'm carrie and I am a love addict

I am Love-Sick and I am a love addict.

I have been struggling with love addiction for ten years but have only been aware that it was a problem since January 2010.

So..lets start at the beginning..Where did this all happen and why?

Ever since I could remember, I had a "crush" on a boy or was completely pre-occupied with someone of the other sex. Never did I think this was an issue, problem, let alone an ADDICTION.

Throughout my journey in and out of sex and love addiction fellowships, chatrooms, and face to face meetings, I have seen that it stems from childhood trauma. This could be any kind of abuse. A lot of sex and love addicts have been sexually abused, and this is a common derivitave the addiction, however, I have never been sexually abused by anyone in my family and no one in my family has ever been sexually abused. There is no incest in my family, never has been.

My addiction personally stems from physically abuse I endured in my childhood (done by my mother and father), emotional abuse, and lack of nurturing. The lack of nurturing has effected me the most.

My mother and father did not have the best of relationships. They argued a lot, he hit my mother, and they divorced when I was about nine years old. I saw my dads on weekends, but he was never really there for me and my sister. It was my mother, sister, and me for the longest time. My mom and I did not get along for the most part. Her and I were always yelling at each other, she was always getting on my case, and we always seemed to fight. I do not want to play the "victim" here. That is the last thing I want to do. But, it was pretty tough.

I know I could be a brat, especially growing up. I had anger problems, got violent, and fought with my sister. But even on good days, my mom seemed indifferent to me. She related well with my sister, as they had similar personalities.

I did not experience enough amounts of positive attention, love, and affection from my parents. I was not in one of those families where emotions and problems aren't shared, but I was in a family that shared everything and talked about EVERYTHING in a negative, screaming way. So yeah, we were discussing things, but not the way we should have been.

This lack of attention and love caused me to look for it in different places.

It started off as having crushes on boys. Which I thought was completely normal. I was fifteen I had my first "real" boyfriend. We will nickname him C. My first kiss with C was at 15, and we got sexual a year after that and dated for almost 2 years.

After this break up is when everything started to happen. Here I was almost 17 years old, and single for the first time in awhile! I was in this long relationship and I guess I subconsciously wanted to start getting attention. Especially after I spent the WHOLE summer in my room, crying, and wishing I was dead after this breakup. (which my mom said wasn't normal but this was my first I did not see anything irregular at that point..until I look back on it now).

This breakup was crucial iN mapping where my addiction started. It was homecoming at our school, and this guy who I had asked to go with me (who denied me at first) then accepted and agreed to go with me. I was never the most popular girl at school or sat with the popular kids at lunch and here the guy I asked, was a football player. Even though it was Junior Varsity, it was still a big deal.

Looking back on it now, I probably looked pathetic. I am now aware of my "Addictive behaviors," but wasn't before, and I was probably making a fool out of myself. Writing him notes and talking to him all the time, he probably thought I was so clingy. But, at the time I had no idea what I was doing. I thought I was just a girl with a crush on a football player and happy I had a date to homecoming.

I would find myself dialing his number a lot then hanging up..and calling again and again. Everyday that led up to homecoming seemed to drag, and all I could do was obsess about the upcoming date I had. I wanted to look perfect and wanted him to like me more than anything.

When the date finally rolled around, I found myself greeting him at the door and him being indifferent to the whole thing. I brushed it off as we drove to the restaurant to meet some other couples. None of his friends were my friends, as they were "high-society" because they were on the football team, most of his friends were on the varsity team, including the quarterback. The entire night seemed to rush by, and we barely talked to each other.

When we finally got to the place to dance he actually told me to "go hang out with my friends," as he went to hang out with his. I danced and didn't seem to mind, as the night ended and we went to his friends house. They were having some party with the popular clique's of the school and we were invited.

After a night of sitting there listening to popular kids bitch about their lives, my date came outside and asked me if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked to his friends Blue Jeep Liberty. He opened the door for me (oh what a gentlemen, I stupidly thought), as we closed the door behind us. We started talking, he asked about my recent breakup, this tricked my naive mind into thinking he was "interested." Somehow we got on the subject of sex, he asked if I was a virgin, I said I was not, as I had previously lost my virginity to C, the guy I dated before.

I am pretty sure this guy was a virgin, and told me that. This was seven years ago, so my mind is a little clouded. Before I knew it, his tongue was down my throat. I slowly kissed him back and he tried his best to reciprocate. He was a lame kisser I thought, and he started to take off my clothes. I hesitated and told him that this probably wasn't a good idea, especially after this being our first "date" and I barely knew him. He said something meaningless and not convincing, but I found his tongue down my throat again.

Maybe I wasn't wanting to be mean about it, but I knew I did not want to take my clothes off. This is the first time in my life that i remember a man wanting to do something sexual to me and me wanting to say no, but I did not because I feared him abandoning me (like C did) or stop showing me the attention that I desperately wanted.

We ended up having sex and I went home thinking I was in love with him. A romantic, "smitten-like" feeling was washed all over me for almost two months after that. Lets just say he completely tried never talking to me. I tried to hang out with him again, he did not want that. He ignored my calls to his house, or my stupid notes I delivered to his locker. I was used and this was the first man or boy to do it to me. I was experiencing a lot of firsts wasn't I?

To make matters worse, he told EVERYONE. He told the entire football team, and my history teacher even found out because he was some sort of coach on the football team and he overheard it in the locker room one of my friends said. I was humiliated. My twin sister found out and told my mother, and I was grounded. My life seemed to be over.

After the homecoming incident, M's friend (The quarterback of our high school football team (how dreamy) asked me out two weeks later! A normal girl might have been apprehensive to this. One thing lead to another and i went over to his families lake-house and we had sex (he wouldn't talk to me after that and told everyone too) I thought he really "liked" me, and I felt so in "love" with him. Everyday at school my heart would race when I saw him. One of my friends knew I liked him, and even gave me a picture of him that she had. Things would've been a lot easier to deal with if he would've just told me to get lost. But he didn't.. Do you see a pattern here?

I was too stupid to see he just wanted to have sex with me that night.

Little did I know that THIS was the beginning of a long path of pain and hurt of being a love addict and that this would not be the only man who would embarrass me, lie to me, and would not be the only man who I would delusionally be "in love" with.

When I used to hear or watch anything on addicts, they were all addicted to substances. Whether it be an alcoholic, pill-popper, or someone addicted to crystal meth or cocaine. I was familiar with twelve step programs, friends were in them or I watched about them on television.

I never grouped myself in the category of an addict, EVER. I drank every so often, and yeah I even got drunk. I was obviously not an alcoholic. I never tried heroin (never would), cocaine, or crystal meth. I was obviously not a druggie either.

I did not group myself into this group until 2010...

When my count of how many men I slept with got larger, I started to to suspect SOMETHING was going on. Here I was battling with borderline personality disorder, and one of the symptoms or whatever is promiscuity. So, I thought this was where my sexual acting out was coming from and that it was a problem for sure but not not an addiction. I didn't realize it was both until I walked into the bookstore that night in 2009.

My boyfriend (fiance now) and I went to the bookstore to look at books about each of our mental disorders. As I glanced in the personal growth section, a book randomly caught my eye. I picked it up and started reading the synopsis on the back of the book. The book was titled "Love Sick," by Sue William Silverman. After reading the back of the book, tears welled up in my eyes and I walked to another aisle to regain composure. This book talked about my very existence...

This is when I became aware that I was in fact a sex and love addict. Someone addicted to sex and love, who is powerless over it and has an incredible dependency and obsession level in relationships.

This is my story, my life, and my story of survival.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

Lyrics to my life

I love these lyrics from Jewel's song "Drive to You."

"I searched for answers on a hotel ceiling."

"I've made love, without love being shown.."

I love Jewel <3

Jewel seems to know exactly how to depict a moment I have felt in my life in almost every one of her songs..

I remember in the 90s-2000's, listening to Jewel with my twin sister in our bedroom we shared growing up. Don't you love memories like that?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Controlling anger

Life has been pretty okay lately. I've just been struggling lately with my anger. I do not know how much of this is related to BPD or how much is related my my withdrawal and my addiction...but whatever it is, it is taking complete control of me. Whenever I am in a fight with my fiance, I get so angry and I pick something up and throw it against the floor or the wall. Every time we are out shopping and I buy a knick-nack ,he gets upset and says there is no point in buying it if I am just going to get angry and throw it when I am pissed again. I hate this about myself. I just do not know how to stop. This is all I have been doing for 5 years. This is the only coping mechanism I have known. Other than insulting people, the only thing I know how to do when I am pissed is to break things. Speaking of insults, I have been bad with those too. I have said so many choice words to my fiance, and I wish I could take them back. So this week, I am working on my insults and I am going to do all that I can not to break anything. The only other coping strategy my old therapists have told me is to "Walk away" or take a "time out." This sounds so foreign to me. Everyone makes it sound so easy. "Just take a time out when you are about to break something or if it gets bad," they say. For someone who always finds the need to solve things right at that very moment, it is pretty difficult to just walk way. But I know this is what I have to do. The way I treat my fiance is not acceptable. The way I destroy things is insane and it must stop.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Another birthday, ANOTHER long blog post]

So, I turned 24 last weekend, Happy birthday to me. I had an overall good birthday, I just was very sensitive this past weekend because my sister and I (my twin) were supposed to be together the weekend of the 12th to meet up in Charleston for a late birthday thing, and her husband now has to work, so we will not be seeing each other until around January. We are twins and we have not been together on our birthdays for like 4 years now, I hate it! I was also in a bad mood because my father has been ignoring my calls. He did not even call me on Thanksgiving. I was all worried he was not going to call me on my birthday either. I had called my sister after getting all worried about it and she said she had talked to him three days before and that he called her on Thanksgiving. I really do not understand that man at all. Sometimes he sends me gifts and not her, and sometimes he calls her and not me. He really is a poor excuse for a parent. So, after talking to my sister I call him up and he actually answers. He even said that he left me a voice-mail on Thanksgiving Day. What a liar. I guess my cell phone company is so messed up that they lose voice mails from me. Give me a break.

That night (Friday) We had a birthday party for me at my place. Only four people said they were coming, and I guess I felt a little worthless and unpopular because a lot of people weren't coming. I talked to my cousin about it and he is it is QUALITY not quantity. He's right. Would I really be that much happier if fifteen people showed up, most of which weren't really even my friends? No, I wouldn't. The people who came to my party were REAL friends. CLOSE friends. I haven't even known these people that long, but I would take a bullet for almost all of them. Especially my BFF who I always talk about. Kyle is his name. Kyle is in the newspaper with me at school, that's how we met. He is my best friend and always will be. Without him, I wouldn't know what life really is about. I can always go to him with my problems, and he can always come to me for his. He was late to my party bc him and his girlfriend had a fight :( I hate to see him upset because that just isn't his personality to get upset or be sad. He is a very happy and exciting person. We talked awhile about our situations and then he finally showed up and bought me a bottle of wine for my birthday. What a nice guy More people came, and we played some board games which was a lot of fun. We smoked a lot of weed and watched some South Park. It was a pretty good night and it took my mind off my problems which was nice.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling like I was hit my train. It was probably because I drank some beer. I usually ONLY drink wine and not that much of it either. But, it was a special occasion so I drank beer and wine and that is probably what did me in! I was supposed to go to yoga @ 930 in the morning, but I felt too hungover to do that! Even though I was up early, all I could manage to do was take a bath and go back to sleep. Hey, it was my birthday, so I got away with doing whatever I wanted! I eventually woke up again at like noon LOL. I got some god sleep and it felt good. I saw my fiance out in the living room with a big pink bag, and he said he had to sign my card really quick. It kind of ticks me off that he was signing my card THE DAY OF MY BIRTHDAY. IDK. I am very sensitive about my birthday I guess. I picked a fight, and broke some things, kicked down a door, and unraveled. I also had a problem with the yoga outfit he bought me. I said it was too big (Which it was) and it was ridiculous that he did not know that. I mean, it was a size small but jesus it was way too big for me and I got so pissed off at that.. I was just being CRAZY that day.


Then I cut. I cut with my razor and sliced my arm open. I started to bleed, and my cuts started to sting. I felt alive. My fiance was just watched me do this and I asked him why he wasn't trying to stop me and why he was just letting me do this to myself. HE was frozen though. Completely frozen without knowing what to do. He then started to complain about the fact that I was getting blood on the outfit because he wanted to return it. What a jerk!! How can he just care about getting blood on the stupid outfit? Well, he finally started holding me and took the razor out of my hands. He picked me up again and let me cry in his arms for awhile until I started to feel better. Then I smoked and cheered up a little bit..Had kind of a mellow day. Went to the dog park, watched some football. Had a lazy day, but I really enjoyed relaxing the way we did. made me feel a lot better..

He wants me to email this therapist I looked up the other day. We cannot really afford it, but I guess we can make it work, I am so afraid to work on my problems. One day I am all 100 % in on making myself a better person and working on my shortcomings. But then again on other days, I just want to be the way I am without changing. Isnt so easy just to stay the same?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Haven't blogged since Thanksgiving. Lots has been going on in my life these days.

First, I had a great Friday. My fiance and I had a lazy day. We woke up around noon (we were pretty tired I guess) and we watched some football. Then we went to a friends house for Thanksgiving #2! It was really nice. Everyone there was welcoming and friendly. After we ate we watched a few hockey games which was a lot of fun. I drank (Which I usually never do), and I was a little drunk too LOL. After that, we headed home and watched some south park. I cannot believe that I ever thought this show was stupid! It think its brilliant.

Saturday was pretty much the same. Slept in, watched football. My team lost badly, but they are going to a bowl game so that's good. After getting pretty high and watching a few football games, some friends came over for our bonfire. We have been having them almost every weekend. But this time, there was a pretty good group of people, probably about 10:) Felt good to have friends actually show up to something of ours. THe fire was going pretty well and everyone seemed to be having a good time. I then asked everyone if they wanted to play truth or dare and everyone got really excited, so we started to play. It was all cool for awhile but then this guy (one of our friends) says he wants to make the game dirty, and I was game for that. However, I started to get real pissed off and couldnt seem to handle it. Every sexual question people would ask my fiance, he always applied it to him and an ex'es sex life. Like, WHAT THE FUCK? I guess we hadn't been together for 4 years. He told me later he forgot about the fact we fucked in a public place so he thought only him and his ex had. This upset me a lot We made love on the fucking beach, yet when a friend asks him if he has ever had sex in a public place and my fiance says yes, in a locker room with my, you bet I am going to get pissed off. I started to feel lousy. I ran into the house and locked myself in the bathroom. I wanted to hit myself. I wanted to feel something other than what i was feeling at that present moment. My eyes were searching for any sharp object I could find, but I failed miserably. My fiance was banging on the door telling me to come out and open the door etc. etc. But I wouldn't. I wanted my BFF. I wanted him to come in and rescue me and talk me out of hurting myself. I would listen if he came to the door..But he was too busy getting drunk with his annoying girlfriend outside to even have realized what was going on inside the house with me. Part of me thinks he wouldn't even really be that concerned...

After a late trip to Denny's, I was pretty pissed off. After our friends left, I talked to my fiance about it, and I TRIED to talked to him calmly, but it was IMPOSSIBLE it seemed. I yelled and cried and threw a plate on the floor and smashed it.. Then he went to bed, and so did I...

Sunday was alright :) Went to study with a friend for math at Barnes and Noble. She is so sweet! We studied for awhile, and my fiance picked me up to go to his parents house, which wasn't so bad. We were celebrating Thanksgiving with them and his moms and my bday. We had a good time and we both started feeling sick so we went home early and passed out.

Monday was AMAZING. My fiance and I did not fight and I did yoga while he went to his therapy meeting. Tuesday I actually went in studio to a yoga class (for the first time) and it was AWESOMEEEEEEE. I am going back Saturday!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Fights, hockey, best friends, and thanksgiving

Let see..I hate to talk about the negative things in my life, but you have to talk about them. I cannot just ignore them and type about all the good things going on in my life. i have to be realistic..

Okay, so Tuesday was a pretty good day at first. At first being the key words right there..Woke up, felt amazing, ate a good breakfast, and felt really good about things. Cleaned the car before class, and the fiance did not even act like I did anything. He was like, oh it looks good. Ugh, why do I hang on what he says so much? Who gives a shit that he only said it looked good. Why does it have to be more than that? Well, all I did was say babe, you know, I wish you would act like I did more than just make something look "good." He then replied with " Are you fucking kidding me." I know I probably should have let it go. I shouldn't have said "why did you only say it looked good, etc." But whenever I tell this boy my feelings he flips out. He didn't have to say are you fucking kidding me. That was uncalled for. Well, I went to school and I did not have time to argue with him. Well then he apologized etc. Well, then I come home at like 530 after being at school for awhile working on the student paper, and when I got home, I started talking to him. I told him how I was feeling so great that morning and hadn't done anything to him and he STILL fought with me, still treated me like shit. How is that fair?? I get treated as if I am disrespecting him, and here I am doing absolutely nothing. It did no good to tell him, because we fought for 4 hours. Yes you read that right, 4 hours! he said it was over, he busted out his phone trying to call his parents and tell them that I hit him (Which I didn't). So I get all worked up, scream, yell, try to get his phone out of his hand, and he of course takes this as I am being violent. I just cannot handle when I just try to tell him my feelings or talk about something, he says its over and tries to leave. It drives me nuts. I asked him why he wanted it to be over when he is the one ausing all this shit, and he is like "Because it is all you. You hurt me, insult me. etc etc etc." Yes, maybe I do that, But I haven't in awhile!! This day was ALL HIM!! HE KEPT SAYING IT WAS ALL ME AND THAT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! Not to add, that he is bipolar. Literally he is, takes meds for it. Its so difficult to be in a relationship with two people who have mental disorders! After fighting for 4 hours, he finally realized that it was all him that night. He apologized, etc. But 4 hours of my life were still wasted. Wasted fighting, and wasted trying to get him to realize what he did wrong. It is so exhausting.

Wednesday was a better day though. Had class and came home, got so stoned and played some call of duty <3 my BFF came over and I cooked for him and my fiance. We went to a hockey game and had a blast. Then we watched south park and I looooved it. I cannot believe i ever thought that show was dumb, I had only seen a few episodes! I love when he comes over. Him and I are so alike. Whenever I bust out a bowl to smoke, he NEVER turns it down. He is always game for anything, to hang out, go somewhere, etc. He is very spontaneous (just like me) and he even thinks he has BPD too. Its really nice to be able to talk to him when my fiance and I fight. It's not like I talk shit to him either. I really tell him the truth about my fiance and I and he offers good advice. I called him after that fight Tuesday night, and he thinks my fiance and I should postpone getting married. I couldn't agree more. We have only picked out a date, but we haven't put money down on anything yet. I know we are not ready to get married I guess I just want us to be...My fiance and I have been talking about it though, and we are postponing it. If in a few months we are ready (After BOTH of us getting help for our issues) then we will go ahead with the wedding at the date we wanted. But if not, then that is when we will tell everybody we are waiting..

Thanksgiving was great! Drove to Ocala Thursday morning, and watched the parade with my grandparents. It was weird though, when I got there. Without my sister being there, it was going to be so different. I cannot remember the last time we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. But, I guess all in all it was okay. We got some lunch, and got high in the car as we were picking up lunch for my grandparents. I am absolutely thrilled that I discovered cannabis. Without it, I couldn't handle most situations. Got back to my grandparents and watched some football, even though the Lions are terrible. Took a walk, got high even more, and took some awesome pictures. Him and I got along great and family came over. Played some pictionary and had a great time. i had a friend from high school come over and it was overall a great night.

I am about to leave for a friends house. She invited us over for dinner and to watch the hockey games. Is it weird that I am extremely excited to go? I do not go to friends houses often so I am really looking forward to going!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

A few things

I know its a little early to update, but hell I am doing it anyway.

I have SO much anxiety right now. I have a class today until about 6, we are on deadline for our schools newspaper and we have to get it all done between today and tomorrow. I would just much rather lay around the house naked all day until the hockey game tonight. God I want to do that. But, I have responsibilities....I just don't like going to that class. It's like, I can do all of it from home so why do I have to go in and waste my day? Ugh. But, my BFF is in that class, and we always have fun when we are together. We aren't going to be able to talk much though because we will both be busy doing our pages...

My stomach is acting up today too. I do not feel very well, feel like I am going to throw up at any minute. So that does not help the fact that I will be at class a lot today. I need to feel better.

I have been reading a lot of other BPD blogs lately. I really wish there was some sort of support group here for BPD's. Its not fair. They have bipolar groups, depression groups, but no BPD groups. I need to meet more people with this disorder!

Today Part 2

Wow, I actually had a great day today!! I haven't had one of these in awhile, and I am really happy about it. Even though I woke up not feeling well, I smoked a bowl before going to class, listened to Lady Gaga in the car, and felt better right when I got on campus! Class was cool too. I love Journalism class. Every time I feel like I don't want to go or something I feel so good when I get there. I edited a few stories, most of which were pretty rough. I hate to pass judgment on new writers, as I have been there but they do not know AP style, and haven't had an English class yet! But, me and my BFF were there and it made things better. He truly is a great person. I have not known him for long, but we really connect. After class, I came home and glanced at some BPD websites. I found a really good chat and forum, Psych Central. I got my five posts and I get to go in the chat room now. I talked with a girl who has BPD and posted some on the forum. That took up most of my afternoon and then my fiane got off of work, we played some video games and went to a hockey game! The lightning won 3-1 and we really got along. I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am either going to yoga tomorrow night or a zen buddhist meditation!

Saw this on a friends blog...

Think Good Thoughts Today! And do not forge that each thought you have, each second that elapses, each breath you take, COUNTS!!! So take advantage, after all, we may only have today.