Amazing

I had the most amazing day Sunday. Me and my boyfriend went to the movies, and we saw Blind side and I saw new moon for the second time.


Then, we went home and had dinner, and laid in bed, listened to Delilah and had candles burning. I really havent been in the "Sexual" mood lately, but i dont know what hit me, because we made out heavily and made love twice! It was amazing. We just fooled around, made love, and laid and talked for hours. It was purely amazing.

My moment of dispicable hell

You know.. I love my boyfriend. I really really do. I am grateful for what he does for me, and I am grateful for him seeing me through my faults. He has moments of absolute brilliance, then moments of absolute despicable hell. Today..I saw New moon with the girls, and I was texting jeff in the movie, and he was ignoring them. THEN he lied about what he watched on TV (which I really dont care about) and then when I got home, he admitted he lied to me and said I am pathetic and its no wonder why I have no friends, and other mean things that I dont even remember.

Why do I have to go through this? What did I do to deserve this shitty treatment? Oh, and after he has been so considerate of my depression, he throws it in my face and says I cant handle anything and that I just need to get over myself. How nice of him huh?

I am awkward

Had a decent day today. My boyfriend actually made me one of those "I am depressed today" cards! He is the sweetest. I stayed in bed ALLLLLL day and watched old Grey's anatomy episodes.Then, we went to a bar, and had our hockey meetup. We didnt meet anyone new, but we saw our other friends. I just feel awkward in social situations. I stutter, and I dont make eye contact, and I never know what to say..or I accidently interrupt people..I am a mess, really I am.

I hope people like me..that is one of my biggest fears..

I am wakin up early to go see New Moon with another group of friends! Wish me luck.

--Awkward Angel

ruined

My boyfriend just surprised me with an E-card because I am depressed. What do I do? I get mad at him because he did it in his car and he isn't home yet. How shitty of me? I am going to lose him, I just know it. I completely deserve it though. I don't deserve him at all. He is so good to me, and I mess it up.

Where is my I am depressed today card?

I know what the problem is.

I AM DEPRESSED. OFFICIALLY DEPRESSED.

I tend to deny the fact that I am depressed when i am because I am usually the "happy" one, or the "fun" "hyper" one. So, I try to keep up what I "should" be, and being depressed, isnt what I should be. Especially with a life that I have. I have an amazing boyfriend who would do anything for me. I have a nice house, doing good in school, 3 amazing dogs and 3 amazing cats, we arent strapped for money at all, and look, I am STILL not happy. It isnt because these things arent good enough, it is because I am DEPRESSED.

I have a medicine appointment on Dec 11. I have to wait THAT LONG to get on crazy pills. I dont know if I am going to last until then. I am already not sane enough, I do not know how I can wait that long to see a Doctor.

Today, my boyfriend goes onsite. He usually work at home (90 percent of the time) but today he has to go to a few businesses to fix their computers. I hate when he has to do this, because I get all worried and jealous of the women he is interacting with. I worry so much about what they say to him..etc.

I really wish someone would hand me a "I am depressed today" card. So, that would get me out of cleaning the house, I could sleep all day without any consequences, and I could just mope around all day and get away with it. Thats my wish for today.

I am supposed to go to this get together and paint pottery with these girls tonight, but I am not going to go..no one there would like me anyway and I would just make a fool out of myself.

Life.

I feel like I have no friends. I have all these friends on my facebook, and none of them seem to want to hang out with me. I feel so alone. I envy my friends' lives..I wish I could be normal.

Being BPD holds me back so much. I barely have any friends, if I told them I was liek this, they would get far, far away from me. I am in school, and a lot of the times my anxiety and anger holds me back in school, and I don't get good grades on something because I was too worried/stressed out.

I guess I havent accepted the fact that I have this disorder. I know I have it, but I dont want to accept this as my life. I hate this, the thing I call my life..

As I type, I am also cutting myself. I already hit my legs, and have enough bruises to look at for awhile.. I wish I was better..

I know my boyfriend is going to read my blog. I really dont want him to. I hate that he reads it..but I dont care anymore. THIS IS ME.

I dont want to go to school tomorrow. I want to lay in bed all day..maybe I will do that until I have to go to school..if I go to school, why does it matter what I do before then?

Cant WAIT for thanksgiving (Sarcasm). My grandparents already said we cant bring all of our dogs, only one. How crappy is that? And, why do I even want to go up to see my family anyway? All they ever do is ignore me and talk about my sisters "perfect" life, or they talk about family things that I was never aware of because no one cared to tell me about them.

Part of me just wants to have Thanksgiving with my boyfriend here @ our home. But, I will get a lot of shit from my mother if I do that.

I am always the bad guy. No matter what.

Friends

I feel like I have no friends. I have all these friends on my facebook, and none of them seem to want to hang out with me. I feel so alone. I envy my friends' lives..I wish I could be normal.

Another bad fight

I havent broken anything in such a long time..but I snapped last night. I broke our sliding glass doors in out bedroom, and my bfs laptop (thankfully he has a warranty on it)..but I just snapped..

I came home and was talking to him, and he lied about something really stupid, that I shouldnt have gotten so upset about. But then, he knew I was ,ad @ him, so he ignored me for like an hour. Then, he flung all these insults at me, hurting my feelings..etc.. and I lost it.

I need to cool down..to calm down in situations like that. DBT has shown me a lot of skills, I just need to start using the darn things..

We are better this morning, but I am still upset at myself that I let him get to me like that.

All I have today is DBT and Math class. Sounds so f-in fun doesnt it? Then, I dont really know what I will be up to.

Little update

Having a pretty good day today. I went to an arts and crafts show with Him, and we got some Christmas gifts for our family. Now, we are watching football and going to a hockey game later.

My violent rages have been mild lately, I havent really felt like breaking anything. That is pretty good, considering I am not on any medicine at all..

Well, that is all I have for now.

Until next time..

Feel

I am sitting here, getting wasted. I dont have school on Fridays, M-Thursday only. I just took a math test, and I think I TOTALLY bombed it. So, I am getting drunk, watched some porn, and am waiting for my man to come home so we can go to a hockey game.

Things are good today. Me and Him are happy with each other, and havent fought, which is a good thing. But, I am feeling a little non-pretty today. I am really debating getting implants.. I hate my chest, I hate it a lot. It is too small, and I am sick of not having big boobs. I dont need the attention, or even want it, but I want to feel pretty, and I dont today, at all. My body is good, except for that part.

Also, I need weed too. I havent smoke in almost a month, and it sucks ass. All of my connections arent getting back to me and I am getting pissed! I need weed, it makes me feel better.

I WANT A FIGHT

I WANT THINGS TO GET BAD. I FEEL LIKE I CAN ONLY FUNCTION WHEN THINGS ARE BAD. UGHH.. I WANT THE VIOLENCE AND THE PAIN AND THE INSULTS. BUT HE ISNT BUDGING. HE WONT FIGHT BACK. HE WONT. FIGHT ME BACK. FIGHT BACK NOW.

New Computer

Okay, so I got a new computer over the weekend! Yay!! It is Pink, and it is absolutely perfect. I am just sooo frustrated with the process of copying all of my music and documents, etc, to it. My boyfriend is an IT guy, so he is handling all that for me.

I feel bad because I wasn’t so nice to him last night about it, because there were all of these errors and such. I do appreciate him and what he does for me very much, but when it comes to my computer, I am a little touchy…

Other than than, things are decent..we had a big fight yesterday about a lie of his..(whats news) but other than that, things are okay :)