Borderline Moments

I guess I am having somewhat of a "Borderline moment," or whatever..

I am really looking forward to the holidays with my family. Me and my boyfriend are driving up to Michigan Saturday. I am excited, but I feel like me and my family will just fight at some point. Especially me and my step-dad. I like the guy, I do. I really have nothing against him at all. But, he hates me. Ever since he met my mom, he has seriously had it out for me. He blames me for things, and he just treats me like garbage.

I am going to be the bigger person and be nice to him, but if he ignores me or feels like treating me badly, I am going to say something about it. I know my mom will be upset, because she will think I am trying to "ruin christmas." But, that is not what I am trying to do. I have self respect and I am so sick of people like my step dad who think they can treat me badly and blame me for everything and that everyone will take his side for it. So, I am going to stick up for myself for once with him.

Besides that, things are going okay. I have been a little down lately because I graduated my DBT class, and you would think that would be a good thing, but it really isnt. Even thought I went to 90 percent of the meetings, I didnt really pay attention to the class because I was so damn anxious. But, I do have the folder and I am going to focus on DBT skills and mastering them other than individualizing what I need to do differently, so hopefully that helps me out. I really just want the DBT skills to help my anger, anxiety, and jealousy problems..

Today I feel like being lazy, but I am allowed because school doesnt start for another three weeks!!

A little more conversation.. <3

I haven't written in sometime..

Things have been alright. I used a DBT skill last week, I am not sure which one..but it had something to do with prompting events. My therapist said if we keep making the same mistakes, the same things are going to keep happening, that we have to BREAK THE CYCLE.

If we want a desirable outcome, we must work for it. I was really down about Math class, because I had to study, study, study to even pass the class. The odds were definately against me. I had to retake a test for a better grade and I had to do somewhat well on the final. But, I told myself, I want to pass this class don't I? Then, I have to do the work required in order to pass this class. If I keep doing the bare minimum work, I will get bare minimum results. So, I did everything in my power to study for the test. I re took the test, and I studied away. My teacher said she would have the grade in a week. I told myself that I did the best I could do. (and that was the truth, I really really did) All of a sudden last week I checked my grades, and I got a C!!!!!! I passed the class! I did it all by myself really. My friend came over a few times to help me, but I think all he wanted to do was check me out..he wasnt really interested in helping me per Se..

I am just really proud of myself. I passed my class and I did it myself because I did the work that was necessary. But, all in all, I did it, and that makes me happy.

Tonight, I had great conversation with my boyfriend. We had a great dinner, and we drank copious amounts of wine. Then, we took a shower, and he made me feel amazing. He told me he is sorry for everything he has ever, ever done or said to me to hurt me. We took an hour long shower, and made love. Then we laid in bed for 3 hours, talking until midnight about things, things that were real. I was being so real with him and it felt good to talk about my childhood..fears..etc..

I just wish I could talk so real like this when I was sober..but hopefully in the future that will work itself out. I just know I had the best conversation with him tonight and I was completely open with him, and he was completely open with me. I love him, I really really do. It is hard for me to experience good emotions (being BPD and all) but, I do love him, that is one thing I am sure about.

Amazing

I had the most amazing day Sunday. Me and my boyfriend went to the movies, and we saw Blind side and I saw new moon for the second time.


Then, we went home and had dinner, and laid in bed, listened to Delilah and had candles burning. I really havent been in the "Sexual" mood lately, but i dont know what hit me, because we made out heavily and made love twice! It was amazing. We just fooled around, made love, and laid and talked for hours. It was purely amazing.

My moment of dispicable hell

You know.. I love my boyfriend. I really really do. I am grateful for what he does for me, and I am grateful for him seeing me through my faults. He has moments of absolute brilliance, then moments of absolute despicable hell. Today..I saw New moon with the girls, and I was texting jeff in the movie, and he was ignoring them. THEN he lied about what he watched on TV (which I really dont care about) and then when I got home, he admitted he lied to me and said I am pathetic and its no wonder why I have no friends, and other mean things that I dont even remember.

Why do I have to go through this? What did I do to deserve this shitty treatment? Oh, and after he has been so considerate of my depression, he throws it in my face and says I cant handle anything and that I just need to get over myself. How nice of him huh?

I am awkward

Had a decent day today. My boyfriend actually made me one of those "I am depressed today" cards! He is the sweetest. I stayed in bed ALLLLLL day and watched old Grey's anatomy episodes.Then, we went to a bar, and had our hockey meetup. We didnt meet anyone new, but we saw our other friends. I just feel awkward in social situations. I stutter, and I dont make eye contact, and I never know what to say..or I accidently interrupt people..I am a mess, really I am.

I hope people like me..that is one of my biggest fears..

I am wakin up early to go see New Moon with another group of friends! Wish me luck.

--Awkward Angel

ruined

My boyfriend just surprised me with an E-card because I am depressed. What do I do? I get mad at him because he did it in his car and he isn't home yet. How shitty of me? I am going to lose him, I just know it. I completely deserve it though. I don't deserve him at all. He is so good to me, and I mess it up.

Where is my I am depressed today card?

I know what the problem is.

I AM DEPRESSED. OFFICIALLY DEPRESSED.

I tend to deny the fact that I am depressed when i am because I am usually the "happy" one, or the "fun" "hyper" one. So, I try to keep up what I "should" be, and being depressed, isnt what I should be. Especially with a life that I have. I have an amazing boyfriend who would do anything for me. I have a nice house, doing good in school, 3 amazing dogs and 3 amazing cats, we arent strapped for money at all, and look, I am STILL not happy. It isnt because these things arent good enough, it is because I am DEPRESSED.

I have a medicine appointment on Dec 11. I have to wait THAT LONG to get on crazy pills. I dont know if I am going to last until then. I am already not sane enough, I do not know how I can wait that long to see a Doctor.

Today, my boyfriend goes onsite. He usually work at home (90 percent of the time) but today he has to go to a few businesses to fix their computers. I hate when he has to do this, because I get all worried and jealous of the women he is interacting with. I worry so much about what they say to him..etc.

I really wish someone would hand me a "I am depressed today" card. So, that would get me out of cleaning the house, I could sleep all day without any consequences, and I could just mope around all day and get away with it. Thats my wish for today.

I am supposed to go to this get together and paint pottery with these girls tonight, but I am not going to go..no one there would like me anyway and I would just make a fool out of myself.