Im not a girl, not yet a woman

Smoke flows out of my mouth as I try my best to cultivate some sort of poem. I haven't written in months, and my brain seems stuck, stuck in the rut I created for myself. Stuck in a creative coma, when no good ideas are seeming to come to me or words just don't seem to fit together no matter how hard I try. I flip through my red leather poem book (which I haven't touched in MONTHS) and I re-read the poems I wrote last year. I had a way with words when I used to write..or maybe I was feeling such intense emotions that no matter how i wrote, my words conveyed intense, deep emotions to whoever read my poems. I wanted to write some poetry tonight, but I cannot think of anything to write.. I think I will just read some of my older stuff.

When I re-read my poetry from awhile back, I see how much i have grown as a girl into a woman (someday!).

I used to be the type of person who would just "blend in" or conform to what everyone else did. I of course still had an opinion ( I have always had one of those..), but I never really let my opinion or thoughts on anything be heard. I dressed fashionably, but never took risks with my look, caring and worrying too much about what anyone else would think. I also didn't care too much for myself and I was too comfortable with how i was living my life (and never really worried too much about what I did wrong to people). I have changed immensely. I am not yet the exact type of person I want to end up being, but I am getting there. I am taking more risks, and as each day goes by, I try to care less and less what others think of me. I am dressing the EXACT way I want, and not letting others' opinions affect my judgment. I got a tattoo, a haircut, and my nose pierced. Ever since then, I have felt more like a woman and I am really starting to love myself more and more everyday.

I wish I was fully recovered from all of my disorders and conditions, but I am not. I am not even close. I have at least begun the journey to recovery. A couple of months ago, when I would get into a fit of rage, call someone a name, or "act out" on my love addiction, I just spewed excuse after excuse that "I have problems..or "I cannot help it." But you know.. I can help it. I have a different option. I can choose to be different, or I can choose to give into my problems. I choose to be different and I choose to change. Change freaks me the hell out me, but its necessary in living this new life I am trying to live. Recovery is possible.

Today, I am on the journey to recovery. The road will be a long one, but I am here for the ride.

A few things..

Not in the mood to blog TOO much today, but I will say a few things..

I am on 10 days sober from love addiction.
I am learning about Buddhism.
I am learning to love myself.

Some things.

Okay, so ALOT has been going on in my life. Some bad, some good.. so here they are.

First: Me and my fiancee are doing very very well. Even though he found my cell phone with all these texts messages form other men, he did not freak out. He finally understands that I am addicted to love, and he felt my pain of the addiction. He was upset, but he never yelled at me or insulted me for my addiction.

Second: I am telling all of these men off, it makes me feel good about myself. I am a person, and I am NOT a piece of meat. I am a woman who deserved respect. I am going to start living my life this way.

Third: I have been very very productive and have been getting my TO DOs done each day, and it feels good to actually get things done.

Fourth: I havent been to an S.L.A.A. meeting in awhile, but I went to a Love Addiction meeting last night. It was amazing. I now am realizing I do not have a sex addiction. I have a love addiction, and it really hit home with me last night. I found out I am slightly codependent and narcissistic. The 2 paragraph explanation on the love addicts paper really hit home with me.

Five: Realizing love addiction comes from a dysfunction household growing up, I realized first, that A. I HATE my father. He abandoned me all of the time growing up and I am beginning to hate his guts even more. and B. I have some resentment towards my mother also. She really showed that she loved my sister more growing up. I was always blamed for everything growing up, and always punished, and always accused, and it still hurts to think about it. My step dad hates me too, he treats me like shit and has always done so. So yeah, to say the least, I am dealing with a lot of new things that I have never dealt with before.

FEELING good

Today, I feel good. I am learning, this is my new life, and I am going to Run with it.



I have not felt GOOD in quite sometime. I have been anxious (because some days, I don't take my meds because they knock me out for 10 hours, I get sick in the morning for some reason, and all of these piled into one body do not do good for business. So, I have been sick, anxious, and sleeping all day. All I am doing is trying to do the right thing by taking my medications my Doctor prescribed to me.

Now, even though i took my meds last night and slept until 3pm today, I still felt GOOD. My fiancee was onsite and I didnt even start a fight with him about my being jealous over other women. He brought home Little Caesar's, and we watched some new Grey's Anatomy. It was really nice. Then, we watched the hockey game and went to the Drive in to see the new Freddy movie. I felt so great about myself today. I think it is because i am starting to speak my mind more again. This man, Frank, who keeps calling and texting me, the one I fooled around with while being engaged (my fiancee already knows) keeps calling me and wanting to meet up with me. Well, the other day I agreed to meeting up with him, and he had to cancel at the last minute because he had to work late. This was a call from God. God really gave me a second chance. I wouldve cheated on my fiancee! My wonderful, caring fiancee. God gave me another chance! THis usually never happens to people, and I got a second chance from above. Well, I told this man off, said he uses me for sex. He of course denied it. He would NOT answer my questions and was totally avoiding it. He said he has "problems" too and yada yada.
But, I still told him off and we are never going to speak again I told him.

It felt good to put my foot down and I told off another friend today. I am not just being a bitch, but I will take care of my mind, body, and soul. Anyone who is ruining that WILL be told off! I am learning to have respect for myself.

I am one day sober:)

Happy 420

Wow, my life has really changed the last few days. I quit my teacher assisting job that I got. I know, bad me right? I worked so hard to get that damn job, took so many tests, and was truly proud of myself for getting that job. But, my anxiety has gotten worse, and the job wasn't making me happy anymore. I know, I know, I only worked there for a month. But, it really wasn't making me happy. I should have given them my two weeks notice, but i really never have done that, and I just had way too much anxiety to call them. I was so depressed after I made this decision, but I knew it was for the best. I was making 7.50 an hour, it was crap. Some lof the teachers were catty, and mean with the kids. Another reason I quit, my fiancees boss is looking for another employee to do sales and such! So, my fiancée mentioned my name and he is awaiting my resume. I would be making a lot more money than any other job I would get. I would also be working from home!! Now, wordier comes to worse, if I don't get tired, i will just be working for my fiancee! I would be like a personal assistant/organizer! My first day is tomorrow! I already have my own room in the house for crafts and writing and such, but I can make it my office, this job will be good for me, seeing as I have anxiety and all. So, that's all I have for now.

Update!!

Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile.lots has been going on in my IDE. Let's start with the sex and love addiction side ar things. I know i am a love addict, not a sex addict. I was a month sober and guess what?? I sext this guy I used to be involved with, then tegge fucking called me!! He had blocked my number for almost two months now and he calls me out of nowhere. You know how much of a rush that was for me?? I was so High, and I texted him. Then he texted me back. Eventually, he called me again! He said he would pick me up from the airport, and i said yes. I threw away my entire month of sobriety for his ass. ( this was when i was at my sisters in Virginia. Then, her and i went out and i got wasted and gave some navy guy my phone number. Can you believe how fucked up that is. This guy was nasty and gross, I did it purely for thie attention. Then, the next day my brother in law told the guy to lose my number and that i was engaged. That worked, he never txtd me. While i was at my sisters, me and my fiancee barely fought. He still worked and billed and such. We had a few titfs and that was it. I was feeling really guilty the whole time i was at my sisters because I had talked to tegge. So, I reset my sobriety date, and I even told jeff about this. He suggested I go to more meetings, and said tegge might be married. I was so angry @ the thought of thinking he might be married, so that started to make me depressed. This other guy I sext, frank, keeps texting me saying he wants to meet up and screw. Then, he texts me and says he likes me so much and misses me. I of course fell for his bullshit, and I text him back. I felt so played and so stupid. So, after a few days of being back in Florida, I was NASTY to my fiancee because I was going through withdrawal. Atleast I now know what causes me to be so nasty when I am not acting out. The next step is to prevent those withdrawal feelings. Last week frank said he wanted to get a hotel with me, and I played along with it, but then I backed out of it and told him the truth about my love addiction. He thinks I am single and not with my fiancee, so, eventually I need to come clean about that too, I just dont know when the time will be right to do that. I have tried to stop myself from acting out, but I have to realize I am powerless over love and sex. Since I still have that mentality, that shows me I am not even CLOSE to where I need to be right now. Even though I came clean about my addIction, that doesnt mean I am doing everything I can do either, but I gotta start somewhere dont I? My sobriety date is now April 16th.. Sucks, but I have to look forward. I am making the decision that I must be sexually sober (mentally, physically, emotionally) before I start having sex with my fiancee again. I have to tell him this tonight, and itll last 28 days. I just hope he shares my same goals.

New meds..life.

I am currently at school, bored out of my mind waiting for Biology to start. God I hate that class. It is insanely boring, and I really like science. It is jsut the teacher, he really doesnt know how to teach at all.

I just got done taking my Psychology test. It wasnt so bad, seeing that I have missed like 3 classes, I still knew most of the material. Hopefully I get an A on it!

Tonight we are just going to a hockey game. We havent gone in a few weeks because of the Olympics, but play resumes and hopefully they win..

My BPD has pretty much been under control since I went on Seroquel. A situation happened the other day where normally I would want to be violent, but I did not even feel rage or anger at all! I felt totally calm, and I am grateful for that! These meds really really are working!!

I am six days sober from sex and love addiction :)