My sister

My sister had a miscarriage last night :( I feel so bad for her. She was so excited about the baby, I am very sad too. But, she said her and husband are going to try again. So I hope for the best..

As for me, these meds might make me tired but I am freakin happy happy happy. I am finally on happy pills and loving it.

The meds

I got home from DBT a few hours ago..but before I dive into that..I forgot to mention that Friday was my medicine appointment and first with a psychiatrist at this new place..

He really didnt act like he knew what he was doing, he asked about my families history of mental illness and the like. Then, he handed me a freaking Bi-polar packet to take home..and shoved prescriptions at me. I am not bipolar. My boyfriend is and I am not anywhere close to that, I am not saying Bi-polar is a bad thing, I am just saying, that is NOT what I have. I am taking Lamictal and Lexapro in the morning. It was doing just fine without any side effects, but has since made me tired. I called my case worker, but she hasnt responded, so I am just going to start taking it at night instead. I wont stop taking it altogether, that would be bad. But, I will just take it at night instead. I was so freaking tired all day yesterday. After school, Him and I watched TV and hockey all night, and I kept falling back asleep. I slept soundly last night, but still woke up tired. Hopefully taking it at night will do the trick.

Now, DBT was pretty good today. This week we are supposed to be building on Mastery. Mastery is finding something you like to do, something that makes us feel accomplished and productive and doing that atleast once a day. Today I read some of my book, and my counselor said that that definitley works!

DBT is going well and I am impressed with it so far. It is like my haven going there. Everyone understands me and is going through the same thing that I am going through. I just hope it keeps going so well in the future.

Great weekend

Wow, I had a wonderful weekend. My twin sister and my brother in-law visited, came in on Friday. We went out to dinner, went to HIS parents house and went to the flea market. Going to HIS parents house was actually pleasant. Even though I know that his mom is mad at me for hitting me (as she should be)it was very nice. His parents gave us appetizers, and cooked us dinner, all while we swam in there pool and played b-ball in their pool. His parents and me have had a rocky relationship because of them finding out about the violence in our relationship. But, I think they have forgiven me for the most part. I just hope they weren't comparing my sister to me the whole time..like them liking her more or something, that would kind of stink...Also, I have said a lot of bad things about them, and they totally catered to us on Saturday, and I hope my sister still believes what I have told them. Me and his parents might be getting closer to being good again, but they still have done things that I havent been happy about, stuck up..etc.

Him and I got along all weekend and are still getting along today. We are really connecting and talking out our feelings more positively. Its going well..

Spring semester is almost over, and summer will start soon. I am only taking one class over the summer so that will be a nice break from 12 credits.

I'm at the blue October concert with him. I love their music. Makes me feel like I'm not alone

Ugh.. I have to design my pages today..I am not going to class bc I said I was "Working." Which, is obviously not true because I dont have a job. Its just, hockey is on and its the playoffs, and that means that I have to see every single game, and also, my anxiety had gotten really bad and all I want to do is stay inside and do nothing.. It's weird, I have spurts of productivity, and then, it all goes down hill from there.. Like yesterday, I went to DBT. Whenever I go there, I feel like I can conquer the world. But then, a few hours later, I feel like I am back to square one.

Back together..

"Why cant this work if we both try..we try..we try.."

We are back together. I said I would never hit again, I know it is going to be really difficult not to hit. That sounds sad but honestly, it is. I have violent urges and angry tendencies and I hate it.. Today, it was good though. We forgot about all the bad, made love, watched hockey, went to Kmart and played with the dogs. We agreed that we love each other and should be together, but a LOT has to change, it really really does. My control over him needs to change. My constant badgering and hurting of him needs to stop. It needs to change, now. But, he needs to stop saying its over all the time. Because, that does not help, it totally hurts, completely hurts.

He also said I should get a job. He is paying for everything for me, and he said he would just appreciate it if I pitched in a little bit. I totally understand, and I think it will be good for me if I get a job that has set hours. I am big on consistency.

Sucks

Last night our friends came over and we watched playoff hockey all night. It was really awesome. We drank and had a good time.

But, I fucked everything up. When everyone left, Him and I were going to have sex, but then we didn't because I was too sick and drunk. Well, one thing led to another and I started hitting him and we beat each other up pretty badly. Then, he said it was over again. So, here I am trying to prove to him I can change. I can be different. I can love him. I can be a good person. I am just so fucked up, but that doesnt mean I should lose him. That doesnt meant I should lose everything I love and need..I will be different. I will. Its not like I need him bc I am codependent. He is the one for me. I know he is i know he is.


You, you are the one for me.
You, you are all I see.
Me, I am not pretty.
Me, I am so ugly.
You, you are so amazing and pure.
Me, I am messed up and dirty.
You, you are the one I need.