Back together..

"Why cant this work if we both try..we try..we try.."

We are back together. I said I would never hit again, I know it is going to be really difficult not to hit. That sounds sad but honestly, it is. I have violent urges and angry tendencies and I hate it.. Today, it was good though. We forgot about all the bad, made love, watched hockey, went to Kmart and played with the dogs. We agreed that we love each other and should be together, but a LOT has to change, it really really does. My control over him needs to change. My constant badgering and hurting of him needs to stop. It needs to change, now. But, he needs to stop saying its over all the time. Because, that does not help, it totally hurts, completely hurts.

He also said I should get a job. He is paying for everything for me, and he said he would just appreciate it if I pitched in a little bit. I totally understand, and I think it will be good for me if I get a job that has set hours. I am big on consistency.

The Magic of Believing..

I'm reading this new book called the magic of believing. Its great. Its one of the first books written about the law of attraction, its a The Secret-Esque book. I like it so far and it has made me feel more positive in many different situations. So wish me luck with it.

Now, Him and I have been a little better. We still fight of course, but its getting a little better if you could say that. I punched two holes, one in the door and one in the sliding door in His office. I feel horrible about it. I need to stop, but I feel like I cant ever stop.. it sucks. And, he continuously ignores the shit out of me even when I cry so loud and I hurt so bad. I hate it..

He also has a hard time telling me his feelings. So, about once a week he explodes and "lets it all out." This happens once a week, he balls everything up inside and eventually lets it out. I told him that he needs to be honest about his feelings, but he thinks I am going to exploit them, as I have in the past. He said he would work on it, so hopefully he does because I cant handle that.

On a good note though, I went to the beach twice this past week. Its called PI for short, and its my new little getaway. I go there and read, and occasionally walk in the water. I absolutely love it. I would go again today, but I need to be working on my homework and studying for a test.

I'm taking two classes in the summer, and I hope to find a part time job. I have been really productive and emailing people about jobs and emailing my resume. Sadly, I haven't gotten any responses yet, but I haven't given up hope!

The Tough Weekend..

Detroit vs Dallas Wings lose 5-4 in OT.
Tampabay @ Los Angeles LATE GAME. 10:30

I am really not in the mood to blog today..but since I havent in a few days, I wanted to atleast update. This past weekend was hell. I woke up Saturday morning and He was gone. His car was gone, and I had no idea where he went. I called his parents house, and thats where he was. He said it was over and he didnt want to see me again. My heart dropped and I was lost for words. I immediately drove in the direction of his parents house, but did not have the courage to go up to the door, so I droev around in circles. Jeff said he would call me in thirty minutes. It had been three hours and he still did not call. I drove home, then drove back to his parents place and his Dad came out and said he didnt want to talk..Then, I left The car (Which his Dad owns) at their place, and I called Jeff, he came and met me down the street, we talked for 45 minutes, but he went inside..

Basically, he stayed at his parents place til Sunday, came home, still did not want to be with me, and then he changed his mind. I had hit him Friday night, so that is what sparked all of this. I know hitting is uncalled for, I just really cannot help it. It is like a sickness and disease I cannot control. I hate hurting Him, and want to stop. I have an appointment the 20th with a psychologist, so hopefully I get on crazy pills then.

I was devastated when He broke up with me and I am going to everything in my power to make things good again. I love him with every fiber of my being and will do anything to make this work.

The great Day

I wish I was normal. I really do. Yesterday, my boyfriend could have gone to an onsite appointment (he works from home normally) and I could have had time to myself, and danced around the house, while he made good money. But, since I am a paranoid freak I told him to convince the client for another employee to come on Monday.

I need medicine, I really do. I haven’t officially been diagnosed with BPD, but every description fits me so well.

I don’t have to go back to school until January 8th, which is nice, but I also have nothing to focus on. I need something so I can keep my mind off of things, and keep myself busy. Here is a To-Do List I hope to get accomplished for the day.


1. Call my lawyers office.
2. Find a foot pedal for sewing machine
3. Sell my Books back to the school
4. Clean up my craft room and unpack Christmas gifts
5. Clean Bed room and give away old clothes.


I think that is a big enough To-Do list for me. I don’t like creating too much of a To-Do List, because it usually never gets done and I get overwhelmed.


So, I am just going to lounge around the house today and get this stuff done. This weekend, Him and I are going to just watch the NFL Playoffs, and have a relaxing weekend. Since we have an awesome game room, probably play pool or darts or something like that. Since my school and rent were just paid, we are going to cool it on the spending for awhile!

I just found this project that people are doing. 101 things to do in 1001 days! I think this is a very good way of getting things done, its fun, and unique! Here is my list


1. Blog Daily. 30X
2. Read all of Jodi Picoults Books 13X
3. Call every single debt I owe, and come up with a payment plan.
4. Buy the foot pedal for my sewing machine
5. Go a day without yelling at anything 30X


I still have to come up with more! I have been reading this guys blog about his struggle with BPD and it is like a mirror of myself.. So I definately think that is what I have..

When I refer to my boyfriend, I will refer to him as Him..so I disguise the names.

Him and I had an amazing night last night. First, we went around the neighborhood to put up posters for our lost ferret. This guy was outside and i asked Him to go up to the guy and see if he has seen our baby Allie. When He got back, He told me the guy said that he said her and had to make some phone calls. The borderline in my kicked in totally, and I told Him to ask the guy what he meant. The guy was like..well, we took her in because she came up to my door, and we gave her to a friend. Well, IDK why he had to lie to us at first about it. I screamed at the guy and said we better get her back.

Seriously, we have been missing her for almost a week, and I almost lost hope and this guy is going to be all shady about it? Well, I was all anxious and Him and I went to the Pet store, Home Depot, and then to Red Lobster. Our dinner was soo good, I ate so much. I told Him how I found a blog on a guy with BPD, and I told Him how I was doing my own blog, and that I would not mind if he read it, but would feel better if He didnt. He agreed, and I reassured Him that nothing was secret.

After dinner, we went to an adult sex shop! At first, It was weird because I DID NOT want Him to look at the nasty naked girls. He reassured me He wouldnt, and then we got a lot of sex toys! We spent 100 dollars there last night! Lol..

We came home, and had a night full of passion. It was amazing! We played sex games on each other, and it was very very passionate.

Then, we cuddled in bed and watched the Sugar Bowl..and I totally fell asleep!

Everything has gone so well the last few days, I am just afraid it wont last..

Bad news though, I talked to some insurance guy, and he gave us some quotes on insurance. Mine would be a WHOPPING 168 a month, and His woudl be 210 per month, since he already had a pre-existing condition (bi-polar). So I do not know what we are going to do. He makes 70K a year, but that it still way too much money for insurance. I called teh "Free" mental health place, and He is going to do the same..

Wish us luck!

Will update more tonight! We are just watching football and going to the lightning hockey game tonight!