Time for a change, for real this time.

Wednesday and Thursday of last week were pretty bad for me. I really went ape shit to say the least. I broke things, tried to hit my fiance, and just went nuts. Him and I fought a ton and I just could not handle it when he ignores me. I flew off the handle and could NOT control myself. This is probably because I was taking my meds sporadically. But, I have been taking my meds more regularly though. I have felt better since Thursday, I just have to keep taking them. God, I get mad at my fiance for forgetting Shis meds and causing his moods to be all over the place, and here I am doing it...

We went to a couples counselor Thursday. She was alright, I guess I will give her a chance even though she called me "eccentric." But, I did tell her I have BPD and she didn't get all weird about it. She actually knows about BPD so that made things a little better. She respected us and I felt like I could tell her the honest truths about our relationship. We told her about the violence and all the disrespect. We didn't sugarcoat anything.

On another note..I have a lot of catching up to do this week. I skipped class Wednesday through Friday, due to our fighting. `At least we only have school until Wednesday because of Thanksgiving. I don't think I could handle a full week of school right now.

I am ready for a life change. I am sick of being negative and letting my disorder control my life. I am sick of not having an active social life. Yeah I might have friends, but I want to be more active in my social life. Maybe not meeting more people necessarily, but doing more than just holing myself up in the house. That could be another reason I am so miserable. I don't want to start too big, by having a bunch of stuff to do everyday. But at least once per day I have to do SOMETHING. I am going to start out with yoga everyday at least one a day and reading at least once a day. That is my goal this week. To do yoga and read everyday once per day at least :) When I succeed with that, then I will add more. Also, I am going to start doing a better job of judging people. For instance..thinking they are ugly, or weird, or dumb etc. I need to do something to better myself at least once a day too and this week I am working on not being so judgmental.

Laaaaaa

Haven't been on here in almost a month, that has GOT to change. This blog is very theraputic for me, and I need to post more often!

Its only Tuesday and I am waiting for Friday! I have had a bad last few days, angerwise. I have been off my meds for 4 days because I am lazy and did not get them filled on time before I ran out! That probably doesn't help my state either. I depend on that medicine, especially for sleep. When I don't get enough sleep I am miserable. But these last few days, my sleep has not been that bad. It isn't like I am irritable either. Its like I am pissed off at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and do not want anyone around me or want to be around anyone either. I kinda wish my fiance was out of town or something and I had this house to myself to BLAST music during the day (cant because he works from home and is always on the phone), or watch a movie of MY choice. (Actually you know what, I am doing that STAT.) I just never get the house to myself. He is ALWAYS here, and it is really straining our relationship. I NEED independence from him. I love when I take vacations and he doesnt come. Its not like I hate him or want nothing to do with him, but I need to grow as an individual, but I don't know how to do that when I am engaged. Everything is shared with him. Even when we go out to dinner, the waiter or watress lets him taste the first glass of our bottle of wine, and never ask me if I like it or not, which I didnt, I hated it.

I did have an amazing weekend with him though. We went to Saint Augustine, shopped, went on a date to an Italian restaurant, went on a ghost tour, and we brought one of our doggies. It was really fun and I really wish we couldve stayed longer, but we had to get back to the Monday-Friday grind.

I need to get out of this anger funk right now though. I did some damage to a door last night because I was being ignored..so now we have to buy another door. I just cannot imagine what our landlord would say if he knew that we had to replace some things in this house.

Well, I am taking my meds regularly again, hopefully I will get them filled in time next time I need to go to CVS. After a few bowls, I feel better. Whenever I am high I feel better, confident, and overall GOOD. It's a shame that its illegal and frowned upon so much. People need to stop being so close minded and realize the benefits of it.

We need help. We need couples counseling, I need to go to individual therapy and so does he.

Catching up a bit

Wow, it has been awhile since I have blogged on here. I am going to start keeping it up though..I have 23 followers! Yay!

Life is going pretty good for me lately. I got a new job covering high school sports in the local paper here. This is exactly what I want to do with my life, is to cover sports. When I am on the sidelines, I feel powerful, I feel happy, and most of all, I feel peace. A peace I have never felt before. I have a peace tattoo, I have many peace sign posters in my house, but this is the first time I have actually felt peace myself.

I went to a Journalism conference last week for our schools newspaper. I had an absolute blast. This was the only vacation (besides my Michigan vacay) that I felt good about things and did not worry too much about my fiance and being paranoid etc. I genuinely had a great time. I did my own thing there, and It felt good to be independent from my relationship with my fiance. I felt like an individual, and I am slowly learning how to accept myself and be happy with who I am. I am getting there, more quickly than I thought :)

Today, I have school until two. It is a creative writing class. I love it. Every time before I go, I smoke a lot and it makes me so creative.

That's another thing. Marijuana has made my life so much better. I know there will be critics, who think I am a pothead. But, I really could care less what those people think. Marijuana is the best herb and medicine out there, hands down. It creates such a peaceful feeling for you, and no one should look at that in a bad way!

blah

Im addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
Im drownin so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Aint changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss


-Eminem

Sleepy head no more.

Its hard to get out of bed when you have 600 mg of Seroquel in you. I stupidly (on accident) took two Seroquel last night, when I only should be taking one. I guess I can blame it on my pot smoking. If I had been sober, the chances of me doing that are slim to none. Because of my little "mishap" I was in bed until 3 pm this afternoon. All morning I tried to force myself out of bed, but the drowsy feeling was too much to overcome, that every time I attempted to get up, I literally fell back in the bed and passed out again. Even though I would love to lay in my comfy king sized bed, with freshly washed sheets all day, and avoid the world I am so afraid of, I know this has to change. I am a young 23 year old woman, and I have to start acting that way.

Here I am, on my summer break from school, spending my days lazily laying around my house, playing video games, spending a lot of my day on Facebook just screwing around, and cleaning up around the house. Occasionally, I'll open up my book in a word document and stare at a page I have been stuck on the last few days. However, all in all, I have A. not been doing things I really enjoy for myself, and B. I haven't been very productive. I must change this "rut" I am in. My anxiety has really contributed to the way I have been spending my days.

For instance, I will put on my computer calendar "yoga every a.m." Okay, yoga is supposed to be fun right? It's not a chore, it's a hobby. Well, I treat it like some dreadful chore I have been trying to get out of. I know its my anxiety getting to me. Why would I be anxious to do yoga? I have no clue! I think it's the shear idea of doing something besides laying around all day that scares me. Change in routine or schedule freaks me out. Even if its something that is supposed to be enjoyable, like yoga.

However, tomorrow, I plan on having a relaxing and productive day, and conquering a.m. yoga. I plan on waking up at nine, doing yoga, then going to a coffee shop or library to write some in the book I am writing, and clean out our car (since there is a ton of sand in it from our beach trips). I just need to keep telling myself "Patti, getting out of the house is not scary or daunting. It's exciting, and far from boring."

Changed

As I walked into this unfamiliar, indie, hippy-ish coffee shop on Saturday night, I felt this overwhelming feeling of what I like to call "weirdness." I could not stop staring at the people in there, I could not stop feeling like I did not belong there, and as this girl approached me, I felt like saying.."Okay, I am not a freak or weirdo who plays dungeons and dragons so get me out of this place.." That was the part of me that likes to stereo-type and judge. I know, we all do it, but I think I tend to do it a little more than the average person. Every time I do something "new" or there are new and different people around me.." I get like this. I know I need to stop this immature attitude of thinking I am better than people, or I won't find any friends or people I want to hang around that will be worth my time. I will find people with the same attitude as me..cliche closed minded attitude towards life, and that is not what I want to be around. The, "I only shop at the mall and have never stepped foot into a thrift store.." type of person is not my idea of a good friend, rather than just a person with a stick up their ass..I do not want to be that "stick up their ass" person. I have grown as a person, but I need to do some more growing..UP that is, and stop being so judgmental.

I do hope I meet more new friends soon. I love my best friend dearly..but I never see her..(for various reasons that do not need to be brought up..), but I need a friend around who I can see frequently. Someone who would want to paint with me and someone I can have girl talk with. I really would love that.

Im not a girl, not yet a woman

Smoke flows out of my mouth as I try my best to cultivate some sort of poem. I haven't written in months, and my brain seems stuck, stuck in the rut I created for myself. Stuck in a creative coma, when no good ideas are seeming to come to me or words just don't seem to fit together no matter how hard I try. I flip through my red leather poem book (which I haven't touched in MONTHS) and I re-read the poems I wrote last year. I had a way with words when I used to write..or maybe I was feeling such intense emotions that no matter how i wrote, my words conveyed intense, deep emotions to whoever read my poems. I wanted to write some poetry tonight, but I cannot think of anything to write.. I think I will just read some of my older stuff.

When I re-read my poetry from awhile back, I see how much i have grown as a girl into a woman (someday!).

I used to be the type of person who would just "blend in" or conform to what everyone else did. I of course still had an opinion ( I have always had one of those..), but I never really let my opinion or thoughts on anything be heard. I dressed fashionably, but never took risks with my look, caring and worrying too much about what anyone else would think. I also didn't care too much for myself and I was too comfortable with how i was living my life (and never really worried too much about what I did wrong to people). I have changed immensely. I am not yet the exact type of person I want to end up being, but I am getting there. I am taking more risks, and as each day goes by, I try to care less and less what others think of me. I am dressing the EXACT way I want, and not letting others' opinions affect my judgment. I got a tattoo, a haircut, and my nose pierced. Ever since then, I have felt more like a woman and I am really starting to love myself more and more everyday.

I wish I was fully recovered from all of my disorders and conditions, but I am not. I am not even close. I have at least begun the journey to recovery. A couple of months ago, when I would get into a fit of rage, call someone a name, or "act out" on my love addiction, I just spewed excuse after excuse that "I have problems..or "I cannot help it." But you know.. I can help it. I have a different option. I can choose to be different, or I can choose to give into my problems. I choose to be different and I choose to change. Change freaks me the hell out me, but its necessary in living this new life I am trying to live. Recovery is possible.

Today, I am on the journey to recovery. The road will be a long one, but I am here for the ride.