Introducing myself

Ok, I am giving this a third shot. They say third times a charm right? I have had two blogs on here. The first one, people from my boyfriends old work saw it. The second, he read it all the time and critisized me for it. So this one..is MINE. I dont know if people online can see it, but my name and personal info isnt in it so they wont know who I am. I dont like keeping secrets from my boyfriend. But, I dont see this as a secret. I am not doing anything wrong at all. I am keeping a blog on my feelings/fears/problems so i can vent and help myself, because thats what I need to do is help MYSELF.

First of all, I am codependent, it obviously says that in my blog. I didnt just realize that recently or anything, but recently I grasped what it meant to be codependent. Basically, ever since I started dating (I am talking about SERIOUS relationships), I have been more focused on changing my boyfriend and I have been more concerned with what he does/says/and how he lives more than caring about myself. I dont know why I started this or when it started, it just did. And now, I am frankly getting sick of living my life for someone else. It is one thing to love someone, care about them, and want to please them, but its another to care more about someone else than yourself.

I am being very codependent in my current relationship with a wonderful man named Jeff. We have been dating since Feb 07, and ever since we moved in together (April 07), I have been more concerned with him than myself, by doing things like only talking about his job, his life, his friends, and trying to change his problems. Right now, I dont have a job. I am starting school August 21st (I am very excited for it to start), but since I dont have anything to do during the day right now, all I do is sit around in our apartment and worry about Jeff's work. Jeff works from home, he does IT work from his home office. I am not saying that if jeff didnt work at home or if I had a job I wouldnt be concerned with his problems or his life, because I would be. I am saying that because I have nothing to do during the day, that I choose to sit at home and mope around the house. Here in lies another problem. I am VERY jealous/paranoid and I am living with some sort of Personality Disorder..which one, I do not know yet. But, being paranoid and jealous does not make being codependent any easier. It makes it MUCH worse because being paranoid and jealous involve OTHER people, and worrying about what OTHER people do. So if not anything, it is a double-edged sword. So basically, when my boyfriend wakes up for work, I follow him into the office and sit in there all day, sometimes I leave to clean, but I go back in the office periodically to check if women are emailing him or calling him..etc. I sit in there all day long. I have wasted so much time in my life doing nothing, and I dont want to do that anymore, I just feel as if I have to.Just because I dont have a career yet, doesnt mean there isnt anything in my life to worry about or care about.

So yeah, theres the first half of it. Sounds fun huh? I want to be concerned with me. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. That is not selfish for someone who has been living for other people almost all her life, I think she deserved to care about herself a little bit.

Thats all for now <3