Sunday, January 24, 2010


update!! i went to the sex addiction twelve step a.a. style meeting last week. it was good..a lot of people there that i cant relate with. my friend ea came with me. we made up after a huge fight we had a few months ago. i am so glad we made up. without her in my life..i just did to know what to do. i havent known her that long but she truly is my best friend

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

New years eve was a bust.

I didn't mention to anyone what a "wonderful" new years eve I had. Thank god my fiancee was there, because I would have gone crazy if he wasn't.

Before we drank copious amounts of alcohol, it was miserable being @ his parents house. Him and I would strike up a conversation with is mom, dad, or someone else in the family, and they would totally STOP listening to us. Then, he would shout and be like " I guess we were done and no one is listening anymore.." They didn't even hear it. It was like we were invisible. It was terrible.

However, when we started drinking, everything didn't even matter anymore. It was actually rather fun after that. Then, his mom passed out the family Christmas card to everyone and you won't even believe what these people wrote..

"You can tell that Carrie is already in control of this relationship..she convinced our son to go to Michigan for Christmas.."

Yeah. That is what these people put in their Christmas card they send out to all of the family AND their friends. That didn't make me too happy and we brought this up a few days later and what do they day? His mother laughs and says "For Heavens sakes it was a joke."

There is no point in telling these people your feelings, they frankly don't care about anyone but themselves and their other son, grandson, and daughter in law.

Monday, January 4, 2010

'Right where I was before..

I have NEVER been abused sexually or physically by anyone in my entire life, so what excuse do I have for ending up a love addict? I have tried to make this addiction disappear, but I cant. A real addiction will not just disappear on its own. In fact, it will never disappear.

For about a full month (up until a few days ago) I have been "Clean." I have not texted anyone raunchy or inappropriate things, nor have I met up with any men behind my fiancee's back. This line in the book Love sick fits me to a "T"

"Vaguely I recognize it is wrong to seduce a man when I am engaged to be married. Then, I try to set standards. I try to admit there might be a problem here. I try to imitate what I consider normal behavior. I cook, clean..I am especially diligent on the job. I am quiet, proper, bland, and calm. But, I am not really sober. Because eventually, whether after four days or four years, this blandness makes me restless and edgy. Then, I find a man, and I am right smack back where I began this cycle of addiction."

Even though I have been "clean" for a month or so.. I have texted certain men inappropriate things that I shouldnt and I am right back to where I started. One of them wanted me to pick them up from the airport, and thankfully my wise mind told him I couldnt. I looked into sex addiction meetings and there is one for this week. I think I am going to go.

What I want in 2010

-Paint more
-Practice DBT skills daily
-Attend sex addict meetings
-Try to stop holding grudges
-Eat healthier
-Run and exercise daily
-Be nicer to my fiancee
-Walk away when I need to if I feel angry.
-Stop being violent towards inanimate objects.
-Be on time and keep appointments