Thursday, December 31, 2009

New years eve tonight!

New years eve tonight @ His parents house tonight. Should be interesting..

We went to dinner with his parents, his brother, and his sister in law. At first, I was really really excited to go, but it started to suck pretty quick. Here, it was an engagement dinner for US. However, his brother and his wife were the center of attention like always. We talked about their kid almost the whole time and the only reason we started to talk about our wedding was because my fiancee brought it up. It was terrible. His mom was talking about how you have to put your salad plate on the left and your dinner plate on the right. It was so painful having dinner with people like that. Usually, I have fun when I am with them but it felt so forced and superficial last night that I could not stand it for another second.

Him and I fought a lot when we got home. I feel bad because it isn't his fault that his parents are like that at all. So, I am not really looking forward to tonight at all. But, we are just going to drink like fish and party the night away even though they will be there. We will just forget about them and try to have fun regardless.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I am engaged, and life is good.

Wow!!It has been a little since I have blogged but I have been on the road, and in Michigan for christmas!!

The first bit of news is that I am engaged! I cannot believe it, He proposed in front of my ENTIRE family. I was pretty sure that he was going to propose around Christmas, because I knew he got a rin..I just didnt know he was going to do it the way he did :) I am very very happy and I am so damn lucky that I have him in my life. Anyone else would have left me by now.

Christmas and the vacation was overall AWESOME. My step dad was actually more than cordial to me, he was really really nice which was a good change from the way he has treated me in the past. My sister didnt really start anything but she was being a little nosey and bitchy some of the time, but I did use my DBT skills and I didnt react to it at all.

My dad was ok. We spent a day with him, part of Christmas, and his birthday, all of which were nice. It was just that in the beginning he baile don us at first, but that was kind of expected with him. Overall, it was good and not that bad at all with him.

So, all in all I had a pretty good vacation, and the fights with me and Him (my fiancee) were to a minimum. The only bad thing was that I had a "freak out" on the way home because he was being nasty and moody to me, I broke part of my stereo LCD that I did that, but atleast it didnt last too long. I have to look at hte positives I guess.

We are almost home and we are going to a hockey game tonight with His family, should be fun.

"Till next time..

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Borderline Moments

I guess I am having somewhat of a "Borderline moment," or whatever..

I am really looking forward to the holidays with my family. Me and my boyfriend are driving up to Michigan Saturday. I am excited, but I feel like me and my family will just fight at some point. Especially me and my step-dad. I like the guy, I do. I really have nothing against him at all. But, he hates me. Ever since he met my mom, he has seriously had it out for me. He blames me for things, and he just treats me like garbage.

I am going to be the bigger person and be nice to him, but if he ignores me or feels like treating me badly, I am going to say something about it. I know my mom will be upset, because she will think I am trying to "ruin christmas." But, that is not what I am trying to do. I have self respect and I am so sick of people like my step dad who think they can treat me badly and blame me for everything and that everyone will take his side for it. So, I am going to stick up for myself for once with him.

Besides that, things are going okay. I have been a little down lately because I graduated my DBT class, and you would think that would be a good thing, but it really isnt. Even thought I went to 90 percent of the meetings, I didnt really pay attention to the class because I was so damn anxious. But, I do have the folder and I am going to focus on DBT skills and mastering them other than individualizing what I need to do differently, so hopefully that helps me out. I really just want the DBT skills to help my anger, anxiety, and jealousy problems..

Today I feel like being lazy, but I am allowed because school doesnt start for another three weeks!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A little more conversation.. <3

I haven't written in sometime..

Things have been alright. I used a DBT skill last week, I am not sure which one..but it had something to do with prompting events. My therapist said if we keep making the same mistakes, the same things are going to keep happening, that we have to BREAK THE CYCLE.

If we want a desirable outcome, we must work for it. I was really down about Math class, because I had to study, study, study to even pass the class. The odds were definately against me. I had to retake a test for a better grade and I had to do somewhat well on the final. But, I told myself, I want to pass this class don't I? Then, I have to do the work required in order to pass this class. If I keep doing the bare minimum work, I will get bare minimum results. So, I did everything in my power to study for the test. I re took the test, and I studied away. My teacher said she would have the grade in a week. I told myself that I did the best I could do. (and that was the truth, I really really did) All of a sudden last week I checked my grades, and I got a C!!!!!! I passed the class! I did it all by myself really. My friend came over a few times to help me, but I think all he wanted to do was check me out..he wasnt really interested in helping me per Se..

I am just really proud of myself. I passed my class and I did it myself because I did the work that was necessary. But, all in all, I did it, and that makes me happy.

Tonight, I had great conversation with my boyfriend. We had a great dinner, and we drank copious amounts of wine. Then, we took a shower, and he made me feel amazing. He told me he is sorry for everything he has ever, ever done or said to me to hurt me. We took an hour long shower, and made love. Then we laid in bed for 3 hours, talking until midnight about things, things that were real. I was being so real with him and it felt good to talk about my childhood..fears..etc..

I just wish I could talk so real like this when I was sober..but hopefully in the future that will work itself out. I just know I had the best conversation with him tonight and I was completely open with him, and he was completely open with me. I love him, I really really do. It is hard for me to experience good emotions (being BPD and all) but, I do love him, that is one thing I am sure about.

Monday, November 23, 2009


I had the most amazing day Sunday. Me and my boyfriend went to the movies, and we saw Blind side and I saw new moon for the second time.

Then, we went home and had dinner, and laid in bed, listened to Delilah and had candles burning. I really havent been in the "Sexual" mood lately, but i dont know what hit me, because we made out heavily and made love twice! It was amazing. We just fooled around, made love, and laid and talked for hours. It was purely amazing.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

My moment of dispicable hell

You know.. I love my boyfriend. I really really do. I am grateful for what he does for me, and I am grateful for him seeing me through my faults. He has moments of absolute brilliance, then moments of absolute despicable hell. Today..I saw New moon with the girls, and I was texting jeff in the movie, and he was ignoring them. THEN he lied about what he watched on TV (which I really dont care about) and then when I got home, he admitted he lied to me and said I am pathetic and its no wonder why I have no friends, and other mean things that I dont even remember.

Why do I have to go through this? What did I do to deserve this shitty treatment? Oh, and after he has been so considerate of my depression, he throws it in my face and says I cant handle anything and that I just need to get over myself. How nice of him huh?

Friday, November 20, 2009

I am awkward

Had a decent day today. My boyfriend actually made me one of those "I am depressed today" cards! He is the sweetest. I stayed in bed ALLLLLL day and watched old Grey's anatomy episodes.Then, we went to a bar, and had our hockey meetup. We didnt meet anyone new, but we saw our other friends. I just feel awkward in social situations. I stutter, and I dont make eye contact, and I never know what to say..or I accidently interrupt people..I am a mess, really I am.

I hope people like me..that is one of my biggest fears..

I am wakin up early to go see New Moon with another group of friends! Wish me luck.

--Awkward Angel

Thursday, November 19, 2009


My boyfriend just surprised me with an E-card because I am depressed. What do I do? I get mad at him because he did it in his car and he isn't home yet. How shitty of me? I am going to lose him, I just know it. I completely deserve it though. I don't deserve him at all. He is so good to me, and I mess it up.

Where is my I am depressed today card?

I know what the problem is.


I tend to deny the fact that I am depressed when i am because I am usually the "happy" one, or the "fun" "hyper" one. So, I try to keep up what I "should" be, and being depressed, isnt what I should be. Especially with a life that I have. I have an amazing boyfriend who would do anything for me. I have a nice house, doing good in school, 3 amazing dogs and 3 amazing cats, we arent strapped for money at all, and look, I am STILL not happy. It isnt because these things arent good enough, it is because I am DEPRESSED.

I have a medicine appointment on Dec 11. I have to wait THAT LONG to get on crazy pills. I dont know if I am going to last until then. I am already not sane enough, I do not know how I can wait that long to see a Doctor.

Today, my boyfriend goes onsite. He usually work at home (90 percent of the time) but today he has to go to a few businesses to fix their computers. I hate when he has to do this, because I get all worried and jealous of the women he is interacting with. I worry so much about what they say to him..etc.

I really wish someone would hand me a "I am depressed today" card. So, that would get me out of cleaning the house, I could sleep all day without any consequences, and I could just mope around all day and get away with it. Thats my wish for today.

I am supposed to go to this get together and paint pottery with these girls tonight, but I am not going to one there would like me anyway and I would just make a fool out of myself.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I feel like I have no friends. I have all these friends on my facebook, and none of them seem to want to hang out with me. I feel so alone. I envy my friends' lives..I wish I could be normal.

Being BPD holds me back so much. I barely have any friends, if I told them I was liek this, they would get far, far away from me. I am in school, and a lot of the times my anxiety and anger holds me back in school, and I don't get good grades on something because I was too worried/stressed out.

I guess I havent accepted the fact that I have this disorder. I know I have it, but I dont want to accept this as my life. I hate this, the thing I call my life..

As I type, I am also cutting myself. I already hit my legs, and have enough bruises to look at for awhile.. I wish I was better..

I know my boyfriend is going to read my blog. I really dont want him to. I hate that he reads it..but I dont care anymore. THIS IS ME.

I dont want to go to school tomorrow. I want to lay in bed all day..maybe I will do that until I have to go to school..if I go to school, why does it matter what I do before then?

Cant WAIT for thanksgiving (Sarcasm). My grandparents already said we cant bring all of our dogs, only one. How crappy is that? And, why do I even want to go up to see my family anyway? All they ever do is ignore me and talk about my sisters "perfect" life, or they talk about family things that I was never aware of because no one cared to tell me about them.

Part of me just wants to have Thanksgiving with my boyfriend here @ our home. But, I will get a lot of shit from my mother if I do that.

I am always the bad guy. No matter what.


I feel like I have no friends. I have all these friends on my facebook, and none of them seem to want to hang out with me. I feel so alone. I envy my friends' lives..I wish I could be normal.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Another bad fight

I havent broken anything in such a long time..but I snapped last night. I broke our sliding glass doors in out bedroom, and my bfs laptop (thankfully he has a warranty on it)..but I just snapped..

I came home and was talking to him, and he lied about something really stupid, that I shouldnt have gotten so upset about. But then, he knew I was ,ad @ him, so he ignored me for like an hour. Then, he flung all these insults at me, hurting my feelings..etc.. and I lost it.

I need to cool calm down in situations like that. DBT has shown me a lot of skills, I just need to start using the darn things..

We are better this morning, but I am still upset at myself that I let him get to me like that.

All I have today is DBT and Math class. Sounds so f-in fun doesnt it? Then, I dont really know what I will be up to.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Little update

Having a pretty good day today. I went to an arts and crafts show with Him, and we got some Christmas gifts for our family. Now, we are watching football and going to a hockey game later.

My violent rages have been mild lately, I havent really felt like breaking anything. That is pretty good, considering I am not on any medicine at all..

Well, that is all I have for now.

Until next time..

Thursday, November 12, 2009


I am sitting here, getting wasted. I dont have school on Fridays, M-Thursday only. I just took a math test, and I think I TOTALLY bombed it. So, I am getting drunk, watched some porn, and am waiting for my man to come home so we can go to a hockey game.

Things are good today. Me and Him are happy with each other, and havent fought, which is a good thing. But, I am feeling a little non-pretty today. I am really debating getting implants.. I hate my chest, I hate it a lot. It is too small, and I am sick of not having big boobs. I dont need the attention, or even want it, but I want to feel pretty, and I dont today, at all. My body is good, except for that part.

Also, I need weed too. I havent smoke in almost a month, and it sucks ass. All of my connections arent getting back to me and I am getting pissed! I need weed, it makes me feel better.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009



Tuesday, November 3, 2009

New Computer

Okay, so I got a new computer over the weekend! Yay!! It is Pink, and it is absolutely perfect. I am just sooo frustrated with the process of copying all of my music and documents, etc, to it. My boyfriend is an IT guy, so he is handling all that for me.

I feel bad because I wasn’t so nice to him last night about it, because there were all of these errors and such. I do appreciate him and what he does for me very much, but when it comes to my computer, I am a little touchy…

Other than than, things are decent..we had a big fight yesterday about a lie of his..(whats news) but other than that, things are okay :)

Monday, October 26, 2009


Wow, so I had an amazing weekend with my man. Some bad stuff happened last week, and we really had a breakthrough this weekend. I think we are really going to make it.

We looked at engagement rings on Saturday! I had never done that before with ANYONE. I had a blast, and I found the ring that I would absolutely die for. I have such a good feeling about us.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I am the worst thigng that has ever happened to him, he deserves so much better.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The no longer best friend

Well, I havent posted in quite some time, so this will be a long one!

Lets see, for starters, the ONLY best friend I thought I had, isn't my best friend anymore at all. She has BOD too, which I thought was a kind of good thing bc we coudl really relate, but actually, it is horrible. She has been canceling on me every single time we plan to meet up. I ten to cancel ALOT, but NEVER this much, and NEVER to her.) So this past weekend, she was supposed to come over on Friday. It was 330, the time she was supposed ot be over, and I texted her, asking if she was coming over. I didn't get a response until 430, and she said she wasnt able to show up. I got very upset, and I didn't disrespect her or anything, but I just said how I have BPD too, and that it hurts me to be abandoned by her all of the time. She completely flipped out and took it all personal and insulted me, disrespected me..etc. We exchanged texts for a few hours, but I had had enough of it, because I want going to jsut sit there and let her insult me. So I stopped responding, which made her more upset. Then, she said we werent going to be friends anymore because I was "ignoring" her. I didnt really have a problem with that because she was blowing this way out of proportion.

A few hours went by, I went to dinner with my boyfriend, and I came home and got a message from her on MSN. She was flipping out because my sister had sent her a message just saying "Hey, you really didnt have to hurt my sister like that, you really upset her" type of thing, nothing confrontational at all. She took it way too far after that. Saying I am only @ a community college and not a real school, that my boyfirned shouldve left me a long time ago..etc. So I had enough and said some choice words back to her..but she then said she was going to come to my hosue and KILL me! I had to call the police, I was very scared especially since she is so unstable. We just filed a complaint, and she never called again.

It just really hurts me that people do this to me. They manipulate things and make them seem like my fauly. All I did was say it hurts me that she cancels. I did nothing wrong, yet I get htis kind of reaction? Not fair @ all. So, not I am down one friend, which is jsut great because I dont have that many to begin with.

Monday, September 28, 2009


I just want to quit school. I just got done taking a lab test for science, and I think I completely bombed the fucking thing. I hate my life

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Cut myself again last night..does that mean I am a cutter? I actually like that wrong?

I really thought I was close to recovery, but in all reality, I am worse off than I thought I blows..

I ran out of bud..and I neeeeed it. Man it makes me feel awesome..and I WANT to feel awesome. I neeeeed some green.

College football all day today, hopefully Michigan wins.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Its going to be a great day

Well, monday I was having a awesome day, and it kind of got ruined bc of lies I found out from HIM. HIM not working, etc.( he is an independent contractor, so if he doesnt work, he doesnt get paid). And I cut myself bc of it..the fight we had..

But, thats the past and I am not dwelling on it. I feel good today, today is going ot be a great day and the past is behind me.

A certain someone texted me yesterday and I called them and said leave me alone. I am happy, and do not call me and even try to ruin it.

I am done seeking attention from other men, I really am. And anyone who wants to try to do that to me, will get my fist in their face.

Monday, August 31, 2009

The great weekend

Well, I had a pretty awesome weekend :) Went to Ocala to visit the grandparents, saw my twin sis, and some other family. It was my cousins 10th birthday, so we were going up there for that, and just to visit family. We stayed there from Friday till Sunday. It was pretty nice. Saturday me, HIM, my sism and her husband went to the mall to find us a new bed spread, and we found a really nice one. Thenw e came hoem to set up for the birthday party. Everything was fine but I got like a weird feeling that came over me, and I just felt NUMB AND EMPTY. I hate when I feel like that. It sucks. But, instead of taking it out on everyone, I took a nap, and I felt better when I got up. We had the party, then we went to an old friend from high schools house. It was actually really really fun, we drank, smoked, and played some drinking games :) It was nice that HE got to meet some of my old friends. I kinda got really messed up and drank and smoke too much, but its all good.

We left Sunday morning, and came back home and we rearranged our whoel bedroom bc we got a new king bed!!! It was all in all a really really great weekend. Today has been pretty good so far also.

I am having this problem with two friends of mine though..they are getting on my last nerves. They keep texting me and wont leave me alone!!!!! I am trying not to text as much, bc it really wastes your life away. I dont want to miss a single part of life bc i was too busy texting.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The discovery

Started classes again. I am taking five, and they include Earth Space Science lab and lecture, Art appreciation, journalism, and Math. Fun stuff..

I have felt alright lately, the anxiety is still there, I am off of my meds because I am just a lazy fuck and havent gotten around to making an appointment.. But I did discover weed... oh yes..weed.

Weed makes me feel like the best thing everrr. I looove it. he

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Heres to you

Heres to you.
The one who comes crashing in, like a thunderstorm.
Who makes my heart stop beating, makes my thoughts scattered.
The one who treated me like a princess, then let me down.
Heres to you, asshole.
The one that just wanted to screw me.
The one who acts like I dont even exist anymore.
The one who tried to ruin my three year relationship, fuck you. Fuck you, and fuck YOU.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Havent blogged in awhile..

Wow, I havent posted in awhile!! I got the jobs at Books a million! I am so happy. I havent worked too many hours yet, but hopefully thats just because it is just training. I am going to talk to them today and make sure I can get more hours. I like the job, its pretty easy going, and all the people are really nice,so its a good fit!

Him and I are pretty good, things really have changed for the better. He is on new meds and my DBT is going great, so things are definitely looking up.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The anxiety is back


My anxiety is back because I havent been taking my meds every night, because I will run out and I havent scheduled another appointment with my doctor..I better do that..

But yeah, my anxiety is back in full force. I have a list of like 6 things I need to do today, and I am finding myself just sitting here avoiding them completely. It took me until 10 am to actually get dressed, I circled around the house and eventually got dressed when I was too bored to keep just sitting around. Then, I took the dogs for a walk. When I got home, I looked at my to do list and I just let out a deep sigh..because my anxiety is keeping me from being productive. I just want to lay in bed all day long and not do a thing, and sleep, sleep, sleep. But, I really cant just sleep my life away. Boy, do I wish I could. But, thats not realyl a life worth living now is it? I also really need to study my DBT skills so I get the boll rolling with recovery and therapy.. is such a hard thing for really really is.

I am supposed to be going to this thing tonight, girls game night meetup. Its wit this meetup group that I belong to. I really want to go, and hopefully I dont let my anxiety get in the way of it, and just stay in tonight and avoid going completely. Man, I am just a huge mess still arent I?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Well..I kicked in His computer while he was on the phone with some cunt doing some stupid presentation. He was being wayy too nice to her and I just had enough of his little shit and I let loose, and kicked the computer he was working on. It didnt do anything, but after he hung up the phone with her, he said it was "over" but of course it wasnt. I was just so god damned upset, he was talking so nice to this cunt, nicer than usual, and it REALLY REALLY set me off.

I really need to stop interfering with his work though. Its not fair to him. No matter how upset I get, I cannot kick his computers in, and possibly make him lose his job. I cannot do that. It has to stop. I just have to not be in his office whiel eh is on the phone, or bug him while he is on a support call..sounds easier than it really is..

I didnt go to DBT today. This was the first appointment I missed, I really should not have missed it..I told my boyfriend I was sick (Which is partly true, I started my period and im feeling yucky) but the main truth is I just didnt want to get out of the house. I am really depressed and PMSing and didnt want to face the world today.

I really want to hear back from books a million. They basically said I could have the job if the background check passes. I got arrested in May 07, but I was NEVER convicted, the charges were dropped. So, hopefully I pass the backgroudn check and I get the job. I NEED to get out of this house, and I NEED something on my own, to myself. I really believe I can work and show up and not call out like I used to. I really really want to get this job. I emailed the lady today, so hopefully I get it... I really will be upset if I dont.

I dont really know what I am doing today. Porbably just puttsing aroudn teh house, readinhg my book, and being extremely anxious. Doesnt that sound like soo much fun?!

Monday, June 15, 2009

The ungrateful jerk

I am so sick of you. You just said that I act helpless. Really? I am helpless? Right.. a helpless person cleans the house all damn day long, a helpless person cleans the bedroom, the living room, sweeps the floors, swiffers the floors, and takes the dogs on walks. I take care of the house and make sure it looks great. Yeah, I am so helpess arent I? You are such a ungrateful bastard. You sit it your precious chair all damn day long in your boxers while you look at a computer all day. What an easy life. I have to sit here and worry about what your doing all day long, I have to go through my therapy while you dont call your therapist to schedule appointments. You watch CSI all damn day long and look at nasty sluts on your porn websites while I am cleaning your house.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

The feel good day

I hung out with my bestie yesterday..she wanted me to go to an anorexic meeting with her for support, and I went. It felt really good to go there with her. I might not know that much about anorexia, but I was there for her when she needed it and it made me feel good. After that, we went to Plato's closest, and then to Michaels to get friendship bracelet stuff! It was a lot of fun, we said we are going to hang out once a week and have girly daysw, no boys invited!! Then me and Him when to a baseball game to help our other friend volunteer and sell tickets for Shriners. It was a lot of fun, felt good to give back to the community!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I hold the happiness in my hands math class officially kicked my ass. I am droppng it so I dont get an F. I failed all my tests and there is no way I can even get a C in this class.I am really really upset and really disappointed. I really believed in myself and thought I could do it, but the summer class is expedited and goes by really really fast. The teacher doesnt even go over tests because the class is only 10 weeks long. I really really am upset, because this doesnt only mean I get a W on my report, but I cant even gradute until fall 2010, because I have to take three maths, and I only have three semesters left. Three semsters until now is fall 2010, and in the fall, there isnt even a ceremony for graduation. You get a got damned degree in the mother fucking mail. Yeah, I worked this hard to get a degree in the off.

So, I layed in bed all day, and barely even ate. I slept almost all day long. I am just so depressed and upset about it.. But one good thing did happen today! I got an email from someone at books-a-million, and they want me to come in for an interview at 11am Friday!! I am really excited, I really hope I get it. I believe I will, and that would be great. I would be out of the house and I will make money whiel selling books!!

In other news about me, therapy is going well. I am being completely honest about myself, and I am getting a lot out of it. My therapist gave me one piece of very good advice. She said, "do not let anyone else hold happiness in your hands." Well, I am starting to do that, starting today.

Monday, June 8, 2009


I hate my life. I fucking hate it. I wish everyone would just stay out of my life and leave me alone. I wish I could just live in a nice little house with all my animals, and all the food I want and no one could interfere or interrupt my life. Everyone is just getting in the way of everything. Everyday, I have to worry about what my boufriend does, if he is looking at porn, or if he is working like he should. My so called "bff" sits here and says she is going to hang out with me all the time, and we make plans, and then I dont even fucking hear from her. So I have that to worry about. Then, I have fucking cunts from businesses to worry about and I worry how they are going to treat my boyfriend, or I worry what they look like bc my boyfriend might possibly meet them in the future, and they might be hot and my boyfriend might want to fuck them.

I just wished I didnt have to worry about anything. A worry free life, with no bad surprises or blindsiding things. I dont even care about money. All I care about is being happy. That is my only wish in life, is to be happy. Gosh, that would be the best life ever. THAT would be a life worth living. I can just see it now. Being happy most of the time. Wow, that would be amazing..but thats not the case. I am miserable. I just want my misery to end. And you know what..I was blaming it on everyone else in the beginning. Its my god damned fault. Its ALL me. NO ONE else. ME. So, I am going to take me out of the equation. I am going to distance myself from everyone and everything. Maybe I will make people happier by staying out of THEIR precious lives.

Friday, May 22, 2009

A fight...

Had a fight today..didnt hit him or anything, but I bashed my head all of the place and I bashed the walls with my fists..cried endlessly, all while He ignored me. I just dont know when the ignoring will ever stop. Or if it ever will stop, it might just go on forever, wouldnt that be nice?

I had to take my math test at school today in the schools testing center because I wont be here when the test is taken by everyone else. I will be at my grandmas house in Tennessee. I totally bomed the test. Not only was I upset and stressed out because he was fighting with me, I didnt know the material as well as I should have. I think we can drop one test grade, I'm guessing. So, this will definitly be the one I drop.

Tonight we have a meetup at a hockey bar with our hockey group to watch the Red Wings game..dont know what else we are doing this weekend. We will have to see.

Until next time..

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The awesome boyfriend

I got a new computer today! It an HP mini. It is awesome! Its soo tiny and compact and it can fit in my purse:) My boyfriend new I really really wanted it. So he got it for me and it came in the mail today! I love him soo much, I really appreciate everything he does for me. We have really been getting along recently. Our sex like is back, and things are going great.

I am going to visit my grandma (my dads mom) in Tennessee, my sister and my brother and law are going to.. my bf cant go :( He cant miss work though..but maybe itll be good for us to have a few days to ourselves.

Tonight, just watchin hockey of course and I am going to do a practice test for my first test in math. It is wednesday, but I am taking it early since I will be at my grandmas place. I took the quiz a few days ago and it was pretty easy! So maybe I can get an A in this class!

So, things are going well and I hope it stays that way for awhile. Till next time..

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Update on the Job search

Well, I didnt get the job. :( Yeah, I am kind sad about it, but what can you do? I am going to call the places I applied to last week, tomorrow so I can see if I can get somethin else..

In the mean time I am just looking for a job and hoping it comes along..

until next time..

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Agony of waiting for a response

Okay, so I went to my interview yesterday afternoon. The manager was pretty nice, the interview lasted only ten minutes but he seemed to be in a hurry. He said he would let me know in 48 hours if they hire me or not! I had a dream last night.. (its coming back to me now) that I got the job I think! I really hope that is true. I still have anxiety and stuff but I think I am much better. I haven't worked in like 6 months and I think I have gotten much much better since I haven't worked in awhile. I really really want a job. That sounds kind of odd coming out of me, but I really want the responsibility. I can handle it now, I really really can.

On another note.. My hockey team won their game 7 last night (Detroit Red Wings) it was awesome! Two of my friends came over, and we had a lot of fun. They are from Detroit and they are two of my really really good friends. Its nice to watch the games with them.

School is going well. I am only taking one class over the summer (math) and I seem to be up to speed on it and not lost yet. I am trying my best to get a B in this class..But one thing that annoys me. There is this girl who sits behind me and before I finish working the problem we are supposed to be working on, she blurts out the fucking answer! Its sooo annoying. Sometimes she isn't even right! I want to say something to her..or I might just sit somewhere else..

Well, I am going to apply online to some more jobs. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The interview

Hello everybody! You know how I have been trying to get a job?? Well, I have an interview tomorrow at 3! I am so excited! I really believe I can get the job, and I believe I can turn things around and be on time and not feel extremely anxious and worry about things when I am at work. I believe in myself, I really really do.

DBT was pretty good yesterday, it was probably one of the best meetings, I got a lot out of it. I had an individual skills training appointment a half hour afterwards. That was really nice, my counselor gave me a lot of great advice on how to deal with situations and problems. One main thing I have learned is that emotions are not bad, its okay to be angry, but its NOT okay to react and give into that emotion.. There are plenty of steps I have learned so I can act in the way I need to. I am very thankful to my counselor and this Mental Health place because I dont know where I would be without it. It is really helping me.

I am at school right now, yeah I know its the summer! But, I am taking a summer class (math) ugh! But, I HAD to take it this semester because I only have 3 maths left and 3 semesters, so I had no choice :( But, just sitting here at school makes me think of my boyfriend who is paying for my school. It means so much to me that he is letting me go to school and is letting me get even closer to my dream of becoming a sports reporter. If he wasnt helping me, I dont even know when I would be able to afford school. It wouldnt happen for a ver long time. I am very appreciative of his help, it means very much to me..

Plans for tonight, playoff hockey and America Idol. My wings lost last night..UGH. But there is a game 7 tomorrow night in Detroit.. they HAVE to win tomorrow, literally!

I am out..hope you all are getting something from my blog! Until later..


Monday, May 11, 2009

Still Fighting

Hm..lets see..dont really want to talk about how me and my bf have hasnt been so good. I have flipped out and gotten violent again. I have tried wise mind a few times, and it has worked a few times, and sometimes it doesnt..we will see how this progresses.

Just trying to get a job. I really dont want one but I have to pay for my school and I want some extra cash to do my hair and help Him out with all of our bills since he is the only one working right now..

Other than that..not too much more to post. I met my new friend, Andrea, she is awesome. I love her! She is just like me and we relate a lot. Im so glad to have her as a friend.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Yay!!! I used wise mind a few minutes ago and it worked:) yeah buddy! My bf was being a total jerk and I thought of the facts, and I calmed myself down! It was so awesome, I am proud of myself!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Upset and sad

I am not as happy as I was last post.. the bf and I fought last night, and I hit myself pretty badly...not a good day..and today I am just soooo ungodly tired..going to DBT soon..

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The new friend!

Hey all who read this, and all who dont..

I have been feeling great on the mental side of things lately. The medicine does make me extremely tired, but that might be just because I have only been on it for a week. Other than that, I have been anxiety free and pretty happy. So that is great, and me and my boyfriend have been getting along great, and I am very happy.

I also met (well we havent met yet) but this girl I have been meaning to meet up with for a babysitting thing said that she had bpd on her myspace. I was like wow, I dont know if this is a sign or what, but I texted her about it and she was very open and we talked about it for like an hour online. I think she might be the best friend I have been looking for. I mean yeah, I have my sister, and she will always be like a best friend to me forever, but I want to find a non family member who lives around me who can be there. We are meeting Sunday! I am excited!

Red wings won! (my hockey team for those of you who aren't familiar with hockey) They are leading the series 1-0 against the Ducks. The game was awesome, and they play again Sunday, cant wait to see it!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

My sister

My sister had a miscarriage last night :( I feel so bad for her. She was so excited about the baby, I am very sad too. But, she said her and husband are going to try again. So I hope for the best..

As for me, these meds might make me tired but I am freakin happy happy happy. I am finally on happy pills and loving it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The meds

I got home from DBT a few hours ago..but before I dive into that..I forgot to mention that Friday was my medicine appointment and first with a psychiatrist at this new place..

He really didnt act like he knew what he was doing, he asked about my families history of mental illness and the like. Then, he handed me a freaking Bi-polar packet to take home..and shoved prescriptions at me. I am not bipolar. My boyfriend is and I am not anywhere close to that, I am not saying Bi-polar is a bad thing, I am just saying, that is NOT what I have. I am taking Lamictal and Lexapro in the morning. It was doing just fine without any side effects, but has since made me tired. I called my case worker, but she hasnt responded, so I am just going to start taking it at night instead. I wont stop taking it altogether, that would be bad. But, I will just take it at night instead. I was so freaking tired all day yesterday. After school, Him and I watched TV and hockey all night, and I kept falling back asleep. I slept soundly last night, but still woke up tired. Hopefully taking it at night will do the trick.

Now, DBT was pretty good today. This week we are supposed to be building on Mastery. Mastery is finding something you like to do, something that makes us feel accomplished and productive and doing that atleast once a day. Today I read some of my book, and my counselor said that that definitley works!

DBT is going well and I am impressed with it so far. It is like my haven going there. Everyone understands me and is going through the same thing that I am going through. I just hope it keeps going so well in the future.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Great weekend

Wow, I had a wonderful weekend. My twin sister and my brother in-law visited, came in on Friday. We went out to dinner, went to HIS parents house and went to the flea market. Going to HIS parents house was actually pleasant. Even though I know that his mom is mad at me for hitting me (as she should be)it was very nice. His parents gave us appetizers, and cooked us dinner, all while we swam in there pool and played b-ball in their pool. His parents and me have had a rocky relationship because of them finding out about the violence in our relationship. But, I think they have forgiven me for the most part. I just hope they weren't comparing my sister to me the whole them liking her more or something, that would kind of stink...Also, I have said a lot of bad things about them, and they totally catered to us on Saturday, and I hope my sister still believes what I have told them. Me and his parents might be getting closer to being good again, but they still have done things that I havent been happy about, stuck up..etc.

Him and I got along all weekend and are still getting along today. We are really connecting and talking out our feelings more positively. Its going well..

Spring semester is almost over, and summer will start soon. I am only taking one class over the summer so that will be a nice break from 12 credits.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'm at the blue October concert with him. I love their music. Makes me feel like I'm not alone

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ugh.. I have to design my pages today..I am not going to class bc I said I was "Working." Which, is obviously not true because I dont have a job. Its just, hockey is on and its the playoffs, and that means that I have to see every single game, and also, my anxiety had gotten really bad and all I want to do is stay inside and do nothing.. It's weird, I have spurts of productivity, and then, it all goes down hill from there.. Like yesterday, I went to DBT. Whenever I go there, I feel like I can conquer the world. But then, a few hours later, I feel like I am back to square one.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Back together..

"Why cant this work if we both try..we try..we try.."

We are back together. I said I would never hit again, I know it is going to be really difficult not to hit. That sounds sad but honestly, it is. I have violent urges and angry tendencies and I hate it.. Today, it was good though. We forgot about all the bad, made love, watched hockey, went to Kmart and played with the dogs. We agreed that we love each other and should be together, but a LOT has to change, it really really does. My control over him needs to change. My constant badgering and hurting of him needs to stop. It needs to change, now. But, he needs to stop saying its over all the time. Because, that does not help, it totally hurts, completely hurts.

He also said I should get a job. He is paying for everything for me, and he said he would just appreciate it if I pitched in a little bit. I totally understand, and I think it will be good for me if I get a job that has set hours. I am big on consistency.


Last night our friends came over and we watched playoff hockey all night. It was really awesome. We drank and had a good time.

But, I fucked everything up. When everyone left, Him and I were going to have sex, but then we didn't because I was too sick and drunk. Well, one thing led to another and I started hitting him and we beat each other up pretty badly. Then, he said it was over again. So, here I am trying to prove to him I can change. I can be different. I can love him. I can be a good person. I am just so fucked up, but that doesnt mean I should lose him. That doesnt meant I should lose everything I love and need..I will be different. I will. Its not like I need him bc I am codependent. He is the one for me. I know he is i know he is.

You, you are the one for me.
You, you are all I see.
Me, I am not pretty.
Me, I am so ugly.
You, you are so amazing and pure.
Me, I am messed up and dirty.
You, you are the one I need.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Let's see..He just wont stop ignoring me. Everytime we fight, he ignores me and that just provokes me to lose control. I get angry and volatile, and I end up breaking something, punching him, or myself. He just had never stopped ignoring me. I cant handle this. I cant. Why can't he just stop ignoring me? Why does he ignore me? Why doesnt he care about me? I always try to warn him, I saw if you ignore me it'll get bad and I dont want it to, and he just does it anyway. He doesn't even care..I am so hurt. I hate the ignoring. make it stop.

Silence is like a screeching sound to me.
Silence hurts and silence destroys.
How do I break this silence?
How do I break the barrier?
I need to hear something.
I need to hear you.
Just you..
Just tell me you love me.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

I self harmed today.
I struck my legs with my fists.
It felt good.
I felt something.
I felt pain.
I see my makeup.
The bruises are me.
The bruises are my broken heart.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Happy today!!

I dont know if I mentioned it or not.. but I am on meds because of the neck pains I have, and the meds I happen to be taking are antidepressants. I really think they are been working!! I am extremely happy right now. I am giddy, hyper and happy!! Hockey playoffs start tonight and we are having our meetup group over! Four new people are coming and I am really looking forward to it!

I am really looking forward to tonight, and def tomorrow because my wings play!!! They are going to wint he cup again, I can feel it.

I get my Humanities test back today that the whole class had to retake. I hope I did good on it, I feel like I atleast got a B on it!! I am crossing my fingers.

<3 "You cant live the world through a mirror"

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

First DBT session

Went to DBT today for the first time. It was actually really help and insightful. They started out the session with deep breathing. We inhaled from our noses, kept our breath in for a few minutes, and let our through our was pretty relaxing.

The main thing I learned today is that if I am angry, depressed, whatever the emotion is..I just have to be able to recognize the emotion, name it, and instead of flying off the handle and creating another problem, I evaluate the situation. I ask..what am I upset at? Is this worth trouble/pain/crying over? It is really that big of a deal? That process I guess is called wise mind.

We also got a work sheet. A diary Log of our feelings and we mark if we practiced any techniques or not. I am really going to use it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

You miss it

Okay, He fucking was all nice to this cunt he used to work with.

Do you miss her?? Do you miss working at that pathetic place and checking out big boobed Staci? You miss that? I am sure you do. I am sure you miss it greatly. Now you work at home with no little sluts to check out. Poor you. Poor little guy. Poor guy who cant look at slutty woman. All you have to look at is me. Flat chested me. I feel so bad for you.

You piss me off so much. I cant even think when you're not around me. I am so worried you are looking at porn or goggling your little hooters bitch you like so much. Sorry Hun but Ill never have big knockers, Ill never be a whore, I will never be like HER. So you should go find someone like her. Go to hooters and pick up a girl there, oh every guy will be soooooo jealous of you. Instead of having me be jealous of you, guys can be jealous of your hot girlfriend at hooters. Sorry I dont have much to offer. Sorry I am so skinny and made of bone and flat chested with crooked teeth. Sorry thats not what you want in a girl, bc youll never get it out of me.. NEVER.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

DBT tuesday

I'm blogging from my grandmas place. Oh how I love stealing wireless connections ;)

My therapist called me Friday, and DBT starts on Tuesday. I am very much looking forward to it, and I hope its the "god-sent" that everyone is saying that it is. It is supposed to be the cure all for almost all of my bpd symptoms. So, I am definitley hoping that it is all that it is cracked up to be. The bad news is that I was supposed to take a summer class, (Intro to Broadcasting) but cant now because of the DBT class. Oh well, I can take it next term. Instead, I am taking math. ugh. Yeah, def not looking forward to that!

Him and I have been okay lately, with the exception of him dumping me Wednesday. I didn't want to acknowledge that fact, because it just hurt to. I told him that I am going to be different. I am going to start walking away from him when we fight, which I have been doing and it has been working.

Broken and Bruised, tomorrow she leave him, but tomorrow never comes.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Angry and Crazed

* I stay away when pissy;
* I walk away when I'm angry.
* I remain quiet when nearing mania.
* I NEVER snap without provocation.
* I read self -help books.
* I listen to self -help cds.
* I TRY.

I am angry... I already knew that. I was just reading all of my blog posts, I am one helpless mother fucker. I am not in denial that I have a problem, but I just want everyone to feel bad for me and I am scared to get professional help. I am getting professional help. I have a medicine appointment april 24th and I have a therapist appointment may 1st, but I guess I am not scared of getting professional help. I am scared of practicing what I preach. I am scared of walking away from bad situations with HIM. I am just scared to take that leap. But, I am ready to. I already walked away from Him twice today. That was so hard for me and I did it twice. That really is an amazing task for me. I can do this. I can kick this anger to the curb. I really really can.

I talked to my mom today about things She said I just have to walk away. That's all I have to do is just walk away. She said He just has to say things like "Is this going to help or hurt us" and I just said "it'll hurt us" and then walk away. I can do this I really can.

I will lose him if I don't walk away
I will go to jail if I don't walk away.

* Identify what things trigger your anger. Pick a specific incident and think about it.Was your anger a sudden reaction or did it build up slowly until it finally erupted? Did you get angry because you felt startled or afraid? Recognizing the situations that make you feel angry can help you prepare yourself for them.
* Apply positive thinking. Learn to express your anger in a positive way without blaming or shaming someone else. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way, such as "I feel hurt when you ignore me"or "I feel frustrated when I have to fill out these forms". Statements such as these will help you discuss the problem directly and honestly. It's just as important, of course, to listen to the other person's feelings.
* Distract yourself by thinking of something positive in your life. Make a list of four items that make you feel happy and think about them when your emotions are getting out of control. Laughter is a great way to defuse anger so try to find some humor in your situation.
* Get physically active. This can provide a healthy way to discharge your anger. Go to the gym and have a vigorous work-out. Maybe you can express your feelings through painting or playing a musical instrument.
* Learn to relax and reduce the stress in your life. This will help you feel more in control of what you do and say. Relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing can be done anywhere and at any time. There are books and courses available to teach these and other techniques.
* Practice anger management techniques to relieve your physical tension and help you take charge of the situation. Some examples are:
o Slowly repeat a word or phrase such as 'calm down' or 'relax' and take deep breaths.
o Distract your thoughts by working on a hobby or taking a walk.
o Use humour to diffuse the situation and try to see the funny side of a situation.
o Learn stress management techniques such as relaxation, meditation and deep breathing exercises to reduce your stress level.
* Get professional help as soon as possible if your anger is creating major problems in your life or is becoming violent. Discuss your situation with your family doctor or contact an organization that offers counseling in your community.

More ideas to help you manage angry feelings:

Try these and practice them so they become automatic in stressful situations:

* Breathe deeply in and out while slowly counting from one to four.
* Walk away from the situation until you feel calmer.
* Take a few minutes and concentrate on thinking about a pleasant image or memory.
* Tell the other person you are angry. Do this in a respectful way.
* Praise yourself when you have remained calm during a stressful situation.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Magic of Believing..

I'm reading this new book called the magic of believing. Its great. Its one of the first books written about the law of attraction, its a The Secret-Esque book. I like it so far and it has made me feel more positive in many different situations. So wish me luck with it.

Now, Him and I have been a little better. We still fight of course, but its getting a little better if you could say that. I punched two holes, one in the door and one in the sliding door in His office. I feel horrible about it. I need to stop, but I feel like I cant ever stop.. it sucks. And, he continuously ignores the shit out of me even when I cry so loud and I hurt so bad. I hate it..

He also has a hard time telling me his feelings. So, about once a week he explodes and "lets it all out." This happens once a week, he balls everything up inside and eventually lets it out. I told him that he needs to be honest about his feelings, but he thinks I am going to exploit them, as I have in the past. He said he would work on it, so hopefully he does because I cant handle that.

On a good note though, I went to the beach twice this past week. Its called PI for short, and its my new little getaway. I go there and read, and occasionally walk in the water. I absolutely love it. I would go again today, but I need to be working on my homework and studying for a test.

I'm taking two classes in the summer, and I hope to find a part time job. I have been really productive and emailing people about jobs and emailing my resume. Sadly, I haven't gotten any responses yet, but I haven't given up hope!

Friday, March 27, 2009

More Borderline Moments was kind of rough...yet productive.. I will explain..

I have been missing my ferrets lately..a lot. I have regretted giving them away ever since we did, and I of course cannot get hold of the girl who stiffed us by not giving is our money. She changed her number and there is no way to get a hold of her. I almost bought a ferret today, which would have been really bad, He would have gotten very very upset at me, but I was smart and thought against it.

Also, collectors keep calling us. I am so sick of this happening. Its not like we don't have any money, we are just very lazy and irresponsible, and forget to pay our bills. I am very bad with money and I wish I was better at managing it.

But, I applied to some part time jobs today! I have been applying to a lot that allow me to maintain a blog and get paid for it, others are internships. I hope I get one job! There was one that was hiring for a Tampa Bay Lightning blog writer, I hope I get that and the box office job at the Forum that I applied for! That would def. be enough money to pay for school and taxes with.

I am taking 2 classes over the summer. Sociology online and intro to broadcasting on campus. These only last for a month, so I will still have a few months of summer to enjoy myself! I would be very happy if I got the blog job, the box office job, and was going to school. I wouldnt have enough time to be irresponsible!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Back and Happy

Well, I have been back from NYC for awhile. Lets just say I would NEVER live there, just visit!!

Him and I have actually been pretty good. We haven't fought that much, with the exception of yesterday, and things are really on the up and up! I don't feel that jealous anymore to ask him all kinds of questions about women, I have been feeling pretty good.

My next therapy appt is May 1st (yeah, a little too long) and my medicine appt is April 24! So I cant wait to get on some drugs. I am taking some meds for headaches and neck pains and it just happens to be an anti-depressant, so maybe thats what is making me happier! IDK we will see!

Friday, March 13, 2009

New York City in 1 day

My spring break couldn't be happening at a better time. I am on this new medicine, which my chiropractor gave me for headaches, but happens to be an anti-depressant, so I thought, hey, kill two birds in one stone! Well, the medicine has really f-ed me up. It has made my anxiety so much worse and has made me have thoughts of suicide. My bf said I should stop taking it, but I want to feel it out for a little bit longer. But like I was saying, I am going to NYC for spring break with the media club for school. It couldn't be happening at a better time, I am miserable and maybe this is what I need to cheer me up.

I am going to miss Him terribly. I hope He doesn't do anything that I wouldn't like, and I hope he doesn't like the fact that I am gone. I am so worried about that. I hope we don't fight while I am up there either. This is my first trip to NYC and I would be very upset if fighting ruined it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Bored as hell

My anxiety has been bad lately..real bad. I was supposed to do a lot today, and I just didn't. Instead, I walk around the house, downloaded music, and was just irresponsible. This anxiety has a hold on me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The realization

Last night was great. Him and I watched 24, which was 2 hours long!! It was an awesome episode.

I really need to change. He has been threatening to leave me if I dont. I know he isnt kidding at all, he just really wants to "light a fire under my butt" so I change. He left me for 3 days earlier, and I know he would leave me forever, I cant have that. I cannot lose him. Not because I depend on him, because I am deeply in love with him and he is the one for me. I cannot lose the one. Now, I know I cannot do that alone. He cannot help me, no one else can but myself and therapy. I am prepared to be different, God I really really am. I have said this before but I am serious. I really really really am going to change. Its going to take a lot of hard work and dedication but I can do it. I really really can...

TODO Today

1. Call all bills and figure out all debts, make budget sheet.
2. Finish all of my homework for Wednesdays classes.
3. Organize all to dos and make a specific deadline, i.e Friday.

Monday, March 2, 2009


'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
She will never love you more than I do..<3

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The busy days

Hello all, everyone who reads this, or who doesnt..

I have been pretty busy lately. It might be annoying when I am busy, but it definitely keeps my minds off of things..

Yesterday, I was at school until 930pm. Crazy huh? It was because our school paper was shipping out that night, and EVERYONE had to stay until all the pages were done. I was okay at first, but got extremely anxious towards the end..only because we were there late and I didn't want Him mad at me..but I felt okay not talking to him the whole time. This is my first issue of the paper as the sprots editor, and I was busy busy busy!! I was just getting upset because I wanted to watch the wings game and Idol, but I watched them when I got home. My baby wasnt mad at me really, he totally understood..

Things between Him and I have been alright. Not really really good, still having some "moments."

I want to elaborate on my last post..

I finally went to the Mental Health Center place, got an appoint for a few days ago. Right as I went to go, one of our dogs got out! I was definitely not going to leave before I found her..I kind of screamed at cried at Him and he had enough and said it was OVER. I finally found her running down the street, and I actually went to my appointment though. I wasn't going to worry about him, I was going to go to my appointment and help myself, so I did. And, I am very happy to say, OMG they offer DBT. DBT is a therapy specifically for Borderline Personality Disorder. Right when I knew I was BPD, i searched and searched for this therapy. The only place that offered it was in the next county, and I couldn't do that, bc I couldn't prove I lived in that county. When I found out that MHC offered it, I was ecstatic. My therapist is putting me on the waiting list. I made my psychiatric eval and there were no spots until April 24th, but that's okay. I gotta stay strong on my own until then.

For right now, my therapist said I have to find good coping skills. That means, when He is fighting, ignoring, or provoking me, I walk away and do a pleasurable activity. I have been working in a DBT workbook, and there are plenty of things I can do. But, to not overwhelm myself, I am going to only list a few things I will do.


1. Go for a run, and listen to I pod.
2. Write or collage in my art journal.
3. Work Out.

Thats them so far..<3

Also, I want to clear out all my TODOS. I have so many of them!!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009



Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I am in love <3

Oh I am so in love with Him. We have been doing so great. I feel the way I did in the beginning with him. He is just IT for me. He is the best thing in my life. We made love this morning, and it was amazing. I felt so conencted, so intertwined with him. I hope this lasts. It is the best feeling ever..

Last night, we went to the Lightning game, they lsot of course, dont they always? But Him and I really had a blast. He got wasted, and I looked after him! Hehe. I am getting wasted on friday, while we watch the wings game. Its a party to get my tolerance to alcohol up! Haha. It'll be fun.

I am just at school right now. I just want to see my baby, and cuddle with him and lay with him. I will see him at 5 though, I have to cover the Womens basketball game for school, and he is going with me. Isnt he an awesome boyfriend? I am so glad we are back together. I really dont know what I would do without him. I would be lost. So completely lost <3

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

the nice day

I got another min pin!! His name is Rommy, he is the cutest thing. I got him on craigslist..

I just feel a little bit bad, because after we got him, we gave our 4 ferrets and bird away. I mean, we did have too many animals, but mainly, it was what kind of animals they were. They pooped too much and were tearing up our brand new couch. I thought they were going to a good home..but..we totally forgot to get the money from the girl, and she drove off. I have seriously called the girl 100 times, and she picks up and hangs up the phone. So. I was jipped once again. Stupid me. I just hope the ferrets dont get resold for more money, and they have to keep switching homes.

On the me and Him front, we are doing pretty good. The last few days have been so so because I have been uppacking all my shit that his parents packed up for me. So, I have kind of been thinking about the parents situation over and over again, and kind of took it out on him a few times. But, other than that, we are doing good. Today has been a pretty good day. Its 75 degrees out, jeff and I took lunch together, and the house is almost all clean. We have a hockey game to go to tonight, Blackhawks are in town!!! It should be an exciting game, hopefully the lightning can win one for us!

Tomorrow I have to cover a HCC womens bball game. Shall be boring. Lol. I just havent gotten into the mode of school again. Ever since christmas break, I have been in a little bit of a daze and havent gotten in the swing of things. Hopefully I do soon..

Monday, February 16, 2009

The no comments on page thingy one EVER comments on my mother fucking site. I thought this would help people?? Thought people would be interested. Guess I am not that interesting of a person. Just a fucked up piece of shit

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Shit

I am back in tampa. His parents took all my shit to ocala in a Uhaul, and I was stuck in ocala for a few days, which was highly illegal.. I went to Jacksonville to hang out with my sister because I was driving myself crazy. I begged him to let me come back to the house.

Long story short, I am back in Tampa, but we still arent together. We have made love, and acted like we are together, but we arent yet. I will do anything to be back with him. I know I am messed up and I know I havent been the model girlfriend, or even a good one. I love him so much and I really really hope he will be with me. I wont be controlling, I wont hit him. I wont be jealous. Of course, I cant do all this on my own. I need some medical help, but I think I can help

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The anniversary

Two years to the day, he asked me out. We were going to a hockey game, and he said, "Why arent we going out? Are you afraid of moving too fast?" Well, that's when I said I will be with you! I dont regret it at all. We may have some really bad days sometimes, but I absolutely adore him, the same way I adored him 2 years ago when he asked me out!

He said he has something planned for me tonight. I wonder what it is:

Baby, I am so glad I am with you! Here's to making it 3 years.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Amazing Night

Yesterday, was purely amazing. It was the best day Him and I had in a long time. It started when he took a lunch break from work and we played cards and made love. It was great. Then, when he was working, I decided to totally let go of myself. Before I was ina serious relationship with Him, I didnt worry about what anyone thought about me. It is kidn of a continuation of the "self realization" post. So, I put on my Ipod headphones, and sang liek no one was around! I loved it! I usually worried if He would think I had a bad voice or not, but I need to stop living my life worrying about everyone else!! Well, anyway, I had so much fun! He did the same thing, blasted his music through his headphones and sang like no one was was fun!

Then, when He got off of work, we played Grand Theft Auto, it was a blast. We then made steak for dinner which actually turned out, played Donkey Kong for like 2 hours, and baked Peanut Butter Cookies. Then.. made love again.

I love Him so much. I know a lot of the posts have been bad, but its just to get my emotions out. I love him with all of my heart and I know we will work out. I know it. It is going to be hard, but I know we will make it.. appointment with the psychologist was missed. I went to the wrong place and I was like 15 minutes from the actual place. So, I have an appointment Feb 5th and have to wait longerrrr...

So yeah, we have really been getting along, I hope it lasts because it is the best feeling I have ever had <3

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The realization

Not a good weekend for the sports teams..

Lightning got beat by the freaking Panthers, and the red wings let the Sharks beat them, still a real good game tho!

I had a bit of self discovery on Friday. I realized, that I havent really been acting myself, for about the last 3 years. This has NOTHING to do with my boyfriend. It has to do with what I thought people wanted out of me. I care way too much what people think. So, in turn, I wore Abercrombie clothes, and preppy shit like that. I jsut realized... THATS NOT ME. What is me, is NOT punk, preppy, rocker, or any of that shit. I am ME. I might not define with a certain "click" or "group" I define myself by being myself. So, I got rid of a lot of clothes, and got my bottom lip pierced, and I am going to change a lot of things about how I have been acting, how I have been living life, and how I think. I used to be a " I dont give a shit what people think" person, and a "unique" person, and I just lost sight of that and conformed. So, heres to being myself and not worrying about what people think about me!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The low self esteem

I am sitting here bored out of my mind! I am waiting to go to class, which starts at 1230. I have school Monedays and Wednesdays, 123-630. It is a pretty long day to say the least! I am taking Humanities, English 2, Writing for Mass. Comm and Journalism (the newspaper class). Today in Journalism, we find out what jobs we are doing this semester. I hope hope hope I get the sports editing job. That would be the coolest thing. I would very proud of myself if I got that.. I dont have many successes in my life, and that would definately be the highest of them! So wish me luck!

I have been struggling lately with my self esteem. I mean, I am skinny, blonde, and have blue eyes. I know I am pretty. It isn't like I think I am ugly or anything like that. But, I just wished I grabbed attention. Like,when people see me, they say wow she is Hot. I dont think people do that with me. I might be called cute, but not hot. It bothers me a lot that I dont have cleavage, or bigger boobs. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Also, I have been told that I look really young, like I am 12, I think that is rediculous, but I want the comments to stop. When me and Him hang out with our guy friends, they look at other women and say omg look at that "woman." I want that. I want to be the center of attention. I want other people to lookat me like that. I know my boyfriend does. He thinks I am the hottest girl ever.. I just dont feel like that is me. It also doesnt help me that I like sports. I love sports. I am a sports chick..but that doesnt help me bond with other women or anything like that. I feel boyish IDK. I feel like I want to be all sports chickish but then I want to be the girly girly who everyone wants to be.. Who am I?

Tonight.. just watching 24 with my boyfriend and the Detroit Red Wings play in Anaheim agianst the ducks, its at 10pm, I hate those late games..



The detroit red wings had their six-game winning streak end the other night against Dallas, as they lost 5-4 in OT (one of their worst defensive games of the year). The Red wings hope to get back on the winning track agianst the Ducks tonight in Anaheim. The Ducks are having a mediocre season, as they sit in the 5th spot in the high powered Western Conference. Their goalie, John Sebastian Giguere got a much needed win Sunday against the Devils, winning his first game since December 14TH. If Anaheim is going to go far this year, Giguere must step up his game.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Tough Weekend..

Detroit vs Dallas Wings lose 5-4 in OT.
Tampabay @ Los Angeles LATE GAME. 10:30

I am really not in the mood to blog today..but since I havent in a few days, I wanted to atleast update. This past weekend was hell. I woke up Saturday morning and He was gone. His car was gone, and I had no idea where he went. I called his parents house, and thats where he was. He said it was over and he didnt want to see me again. My heart dropped and I was lost for words. I immediately drove in the direction of his parents house, but did not have the courage to go up to the door, so I droev around in circles. Jeff said he would call me in thirty minutes. It had been three hours and he still did not call. I drove home, then drove back to his parents place and his Dad came out and said he didnt want to talk..Then, I left The car (Which his Dad owns) at their place, and I called Jeff, he came and met me down the street, we talked for 45 minutes, but he went inside..

Basically, he stayed at his parents place til Sunday, came home, still did not want to be with me, and then he changed his mind. I had hit him Friday night, so that is what sparked all of this. I know hitting is uncalled for, I just really cannot help it. It is like a sickness and disease I cannot control. I hate hurting Him, and want to stop. I have an appointment the 20th with a psychologist, so hopefully I get on crazy pills then.

I was devastated when He broke up with me and I am going to everything in my power to make things good again. I love him with every fiber of my being and will do anything to make this work.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A Good day

Today was actually GOOD. I mean, I can honestly say today me and Him and a very good day. We did a lot today! We got a lot of laundry done, washed our cars, and watched football. His parents just left, they had dinner over here, and they helped us fix our couch (our ferrets clawed through the fabric and made some holes). His parents also bought wood and we painted it green for a ping-pong table top! Thats one thing He wanted for Christmas.

I only had one "borderline" moment. It was when we were washing the cars, and His parents called and said they changed their minds, and wanted to paint the ping-pong table top. The original plan was that it was not going to get done today. Therefore, I thought Him and I could watch football when they got here, and relax, since we had such a busy day. I got very upset at Him because I did not want to be stuck inside while him and his dad paint, nor did I want to be stuck painting, because I was so tired. I had a good day with Him and just wanted to hang out with Him and watch football, NOT do our own things. I screamed, and kicked things, and threatened to drive off. Eventually, he listed to my feelings and was there for me.

So, all in all, I only had one episode and everything else was good. I think I caught a cold, so I am just probably going to go to bed early. We watch Brothers and Sisters when its new, and it is new tonight, so we will probably watch that, and then call it a night.

Nothing much planned for this week. I start the Spring Semester for school on Wednesday, and I want to just relax until then!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Horrible Fight at the Hockey game

I am updating from the lightning game. After I posted earlier things got better and we cleaned up the house. It was actually kind of fun bonding together and doing laundry and stuff. We got our little ferret back thanks to very nice people who found her. When we were done cleaning we watched some of the football game. Then. He and I started screaming about the fact that I want him to dress better. The only time he ever wears nice clothes is when he goes to an on site appointment for work. Other than that he wears pajamas all the time. I just want him to wear nice clothes and shower and brush his teeth. I seriously have to ask him if he has brushed his teeth before I kiss him so I don't smell his bad breath. He never used to do this in the beginning. The one thing that I noticed about him when we first started dating was how clean he kept himself, and how good he dressed. All that has gone out the window. I guess since we have been together for 2 years, he doesn't want to impress me anymore. It hurts. It really is an insult to me that he smells, and only wears nice clothes when he goes to an on site appointment. Well, this is what I was talking to him about last night, and he wouldn't pay attention to me. So, I turned the football game off, and he said it was over because I was trying to control him. I really wasn't. He never pays attention to me when I talk, so, I just turned it off, it was already recording anyway.

He said it was over because I "control" him and make him wear things he doesn't and I manipulate him. That's not the case at all! I don't want him to be a damn scrub. Well, we argued for an hour, and finally he said its not over and we went to the lightning game. However, nothing was better because he left me on the way to the game, he walked away from me when I was crying, and finally when I caught up to him, I told him to knock of the bullshit. I cried outside of the arena, and we missed the entire first period because of his little act outside the arena. My borderline kicked in and I pinched him and wanted to hit him SO BAD. I was also acting paranoid that he was looking at other women while we were outside. Yeah, SO MUCH for things being better huh?

He treated me "So" good once we got inside. I told him that I appreciated that he was treating me better, but not that he was acting like nothing happened. His response was that he just wanted to forget and make things better, I accepted it and we had a better time at the game. But, THE MINUTE we got home he wanted to take a shower by himself, I should have just accepted that, but I took it personal, and we fought for 2 hours,a dn the borderline in me kicked in. I cried, beat the shit out of myself while he ignored me of course, and then we went into the bedroom to watch the Red Wings game we recorded. So, it wasn't a good day to say the least.

The Time Out

Today had been good so far. He got really frustrated and needed to take a "time-out" because when he gets into his bi-polar modes, He really insults me. Its a good idea, but when He does this, I want to IM my ex boyfriend "Larry" and tell him that I want to sleep him.. I think this is a part of BPD, being promiscuous, and wanting male attention. IDK.. I am really messed up. But, instead, I got on here to talk about it. That's a start right? If I want Him to be faithful to me, then I need to be faithful to Him, as hard as it is going to be.

The great Day

I wish I was normal. I really do. Yesterday, my boyfriend could have gone to an onsite appointment (he works from home normally) and I could have had time to myself, and danced around the house, while he made good money. But, since I am a paranoid freak I told him to convince the client for another employee to come on Monday.

I need medicine, I really do. I haven’t officially been diagnosed with BPD, but every description fits me so well.

I don’t have to go back to school until January 8th, which is nice, but I also have nothing to focus on. I need something so I can keep my mind off of things, and keep myself busy. Here is a To-Do List I hope to get accomplished for the day.

1. Call my lawyers office.
2. Find a foot pedal for sewing machine
3. Sell my Books back to the school
4. Clean up my craft room and unpack Christmas gifts
5. Clean Bed room and give away old clothes.

I think that is a big enough To-Do list for me. I don’t like creating too much of a To-Do List, because it usually never gets done and I get overwhelmed.

So, I am just going to lounge around the house today and get this stuff done. This weekend, Him and I are going to just watch the NFL Playoffs, and have a relaxing weekend. Since we have an awesome game room, probably play pool or darts or something like that. Since my school and rent were just paid, we are going to cool it on the spending for awhile!

I just found this project that people are doing. 101 things to do in 1001 days! I think this is a very good way of getting things done, its fun, and unique! Here is my list

1. Blog Daily. 30X
2. Read all of Jodi Picoults Books 13X
3. Call every single debt I owe, and come up with a payment plan.
4. Buy the foot pedal for my sewing machine
5. Go a day without yelling at anything 30X

I still have to come up with more! I have been reading this guys blog about his struggle with BPD and it is like a mirror of myself.. So I definately think that is what I have..

When I refer to my boyfriend, I will refer to him as I disguise the names.

Him and I had an amazing night last night. First, we went around the neighborhood to put up posters for our lost ferret. This guy was outside and i asked Him to go up to the guy and see if he has seen our baby Allie. When He got back, He told me the guy said that he said her and had to make some phone calls. The borderline in my kicked in totally, and I told Him to ask the guy what he meant. The guy was like..well, we took her in because she came up to my door, and we gave her to a friend. Well, IDK why he had to lie to us at first about it. I screamed at the guy and said we better get her back.

Seriously, we have been missing her for almost a week, and I almost lost hope and this guy is going to be all shady about it? Well, I was all anxious and Him and I went to the Pet store, Home Depot, and then to Red Lobster. Our dinner was soo good, I ate so much. I told Him how I found a blog on a guy with BPD, and I told Him how I was doing my own blog, and that I would not mind if he read it, but would feel better if He didnt. He agreed, and I reassured Him that nothing was secret.

After dinner, we went to an adult sex shop! At first, It was weird because I DID NOT want Him to look at the nasty naked girls. He reassured me He wouldnt, and then we got a lot of sex toys! We spent 100 dollars there last night! Lol..

We came home, and had a night full of passion. It was amazing! We played sex games on each other, and it was very very passionate.

Then, we cuddled in bed and watched the Sugar Bowl..and I totally fell asleep!

Everything has gone so well the last few days, I am just afraid it wont last..

Bad news though, I talked to some insurance guy, and he gave us some quotes on insurance. Mine would be a WHOPPING 168 a month, and His woudl be 210 per month, since he already had a pre-existing condition (bi-polar). So I do not know what we are going to do. He makes 70K a year, but that it still way too much money for insurance. I called teh "Free" mental health place, and He is going to do the same..

Wish us luck!

Will update more tonight! We are just watching football and going to the lightning hockey game tonight!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Wow this is so cool! I can update my blog from my blackberry!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year


I love new years day. It's a fresh start, new beginning, and always a fun day. Football on all day, and today, I watched the Detroit Red Wings in the Winter Classic. They kicked the Blackhawks asses! It was awesome.

So today has just been a "lazy" day, and Him and I have watched sports all day, which is always good. I am still just a little upset because everyone I invited to my New Years Eve Party, bailed. But, our friend "Jim" came and it was still a fun time.

I called the insurance guy yesterday, and we are very close to getting insurance. I need it too. I have so many problems, and I would just love to be happy and relaxed, which I never have been..

My family still isnt talking talking to me because of events that transpired over the Christmas vacation. Frankly, I dont give a damn. They judge me way too much, and I am just sick of it.