Friday, April 30, 2010


Today, I feel good. I am learning, this is my new life, and I am going to Run with it.

I have not felt GOOD in quite sometime. I have been anxious (because some days, I don't take my meds because they knock me out for 10 hours, I get sick in the morning for some reason, and all of these piled into one body do not do good for business. So, I have been sick, anxious, and sleeping all day. All I am doing is trying to do the right thing by taking my medications my Doctor prescribed to me.

Now, even though i took my meds last night and slept until 3pm today, I still felt GOOD. My fiancee was onsite and I didnt even start a fight with him about my being jealous over other women. He brought home Little Caesar's, and we watched some new Grey's Anatomy. It was really nice. Then, we watched the hockey game and went to the Drive in to see the new Freddy movie. I felt so great about myself today. I think it is because i am starting to speak my mind more again. This man, Frank, who keeps calling and texting me, the one I fooled around with while being engaged (my fiancee already knows) keeps calling me and wanting to meet up with me. Well, the other day I agreed to meeting up with him, and he had to cancel at the last minute because he had to work late. This was a call from God. God really gave me a second chance. I wouldve cheated on my fiancee! My wonderful, caring fiancee. God gave me another chance! THis usually never happens to people, and I got a second chance from above. Well, I told this man off, said he uses me for sex. He of course denied it. He would NOT answer my questions and was totally avoiding it. He said he has "problems" too and yada yada.
But, I still told him off and we are never going to speak again I told him.

It felt good to put my foot down and I told off another friend today. I am not just being a bitch, but I will take care of my mind, body, and soul. Anyone who is ruining that WILL be told off! I am learning to have respect for myself.

I am one day sober:)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Happy 420

Wow, my life has really changed the last few days. I quit my teacher assisting job that I got. I know, bad me right? I worked so hard to get that damn job, took so many tests, and was truly proud of myself for getting that job. But, my anxiety has gotten worse, and the job wasn't making me happy anymore. I know, I know, I only worked there for a month. But, it really wasn't making me happy. I should have given them my two weeks notice, but i really never have done that, and I just had way too much anxiety to call them. I was so depressed after I made this decision, but I knew it was for the best. I was making 7.50 an hour, it was crap. Some lof the teachers were catty, and mean with the kids. Another reason I quit, my fiancees boss is looking for another employee to do sales and such! So, my fiancée mentioned my name and he is awaiting my resume. I would be making a lot more money than any other job I would get. I would also be working from home!! Now, wordier comes to worse, if I don't get tired, i will just be working for my fiancee! I would be like a personal assistant/organizer! My first day is tomorrow! I already have my own room in the house for crafts and writing and such, but I can make it my office, this job will be good for me, seeing as I have anxiety and all. So, that's all I have for now.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile.lots has been going on in my IDE. Let's start with the sex and love addiction side ar things. I know i am a love addict, not a sex addict. I was a month sober and guess what?? I sext this guy I used to be involved with, then tegge fucking called me!! He had blocked my number for almost two months now and he calls me out of nowhere. You know how much of a rush that was for me?? I was so High, and I texted him. Then he texted me back. Eventually, he called me again! He said he would pick me up from the airport, and i said yes. I threw away my entire month of sobriety for his ass. ( this was when i was at my sisters in Virginia. Then, her and i went out and i got wasted and gave some navy guy my phone number. Can you believe how fucked up that is. This guy was nasty and gross, I did it purely for thie attention. Then, the next day my brother in law told the guy to lose my number and that i was engaged. That worked, he never txtd me. While i was at my sisters, me and my fiancee barely fought. He still worked and billed and such. We had a few titfs and that was it. I was feeling really guilty the whole time i was at my sisters because I had talked to tegge. So, I reset my sobriety date, and I even told jeff about this. He suggested I go to more meetings, and said tegge might be married. I was so angry @ the thought of thinking he might be married, so that started to make me depressed. This other guy I sext, frank, keeps texting me saying he wants to meet up and screw. Then, he texts me and says he likes me so much and misses me. I of course fell for his bullshit, and I text him back. I felt so played and so stupid. So, after a few days of being back in Florida, I was NASTY to my fiancee because I was going through withdrawal. Atleast I now know what causes me to be so nasty when I am not acting out. The next step is to prevent those withdrawal feelings. Last week frank said he wanted to get a hotel with me, and I played along with it, but then I backed out of it and told him the truth about my love addiction. He thinks I am single and not with my fiancee, so, eventually I need to come clean about that too, I just dont know when the time will be right to do that. I have tried to stop myself from acting out, but I have to realize I am powerless over love and sex. Since I still have that mentality, that shows me I am not even CLOSE to where I need to be right now. Even though I came clean about my addIction, that doesnt mean I am doing everything I can do either, but I gotta start somewhere dont I? My sobriety date is now April 16th.. Sucks, but I have to look forward. I am making the decision that I must be sexually sober (mentally, physically, emotionally) before I start having sex with my fiancee again. I have to tell him this tonight, and itll last 28 days. I just hope he shares my same goals.