Thursday, April 30, 2009

My sister

My sister had a miscarriage last night :( I feel so bad for her. She was so excited about the baby, I am very sad too. But, she said her and husband are going to try again. So I hope for the best..

As for me, these meds might make me tired but I am freakin happy happy happy. I am finally on happy pills and loving it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The meds

I got home from DBT a few hours ago..but before I dive into that..I forgot to mention that Friday was my medicine appointment and first with a psychiatrist at this new place..

He really didnt act like he knew what he was doing, he asked about my families history of mental illness and the like. Then, he handed me a freaking Bi-polar packet to take home..and shoved prescriptions at me. I am not bipolar. My boyfriend is and I am not anywhere close to that, I am not saying Bi-polar is a bad thing, I am just saying, that is NOT what I have. I am taking Lamictal and Lexapro in the morning. It was doing just fine without any side effects, but has since made me tired. I called my case worker, but she hasnt responded, so I am just going to start taking it at night instead. I wont stop taking it altogether, that would be bad. But, I will just take it at night instead. I was so freaking tired all day yesterday. After school, Him and I watched TV and hockey all night, and I kept falling back asleep. I slept soundly last night, but still woke up tired. Hopefully taking it at night will do the trick.

Now, DBT was pretty good today. This week we are supposed to be building on Mastery. Mastery is finding something you like to do, something that makes us feel accomplished and productive and doing that atleast once a day. Today I read some of my book, and my counselor said that that definitley works!

DBT is going well and I am impressed with it so far. It is like my haven going there. Everyone understands me and is going through the same thing that I am going through. I just hope it keeps going so well in the future.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Great weekend

Wow, I had a wonderful weekend. My twin sister and my brother in-law visited, came in on Friday. We went out to dinner, went to HIS parents house and went to the flea market. Going to HIS parents house was actually pleasant. Even though I know that his mom is mad at me for hitting me (as she should be)it was very nice. His parents gave us appetizers, and cooked us dinner, all while we swam in there pool and played b-ball in their pool. His parents and me have had a rocky relationship because of them finding out about the violence in our relationship. But, I think they have forgiven me for the most part. I just hope they weren't comparing my sister to me the whole them liking her more or something, that would kind of stink...Also, I have said a lot of bad things about them, and they totally catered to us on Saturday, and I hope my sister still believes what I have told them. Me and his parents might be getting closer to being good again, but they still have done things that I havent been happy about, stuck up..etc.

Him and I got along all weekend and are still getting along today. We are really connecting and talking out our feelings more positively. Its going well..

Spring semester is almost over, and summer will start soon. I am only taking one class over the summer so that will be a nice break from 12 credits.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'm at the blue October concert with him. I love their music. Makes me feel like I'm not alone

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ugh.. I have to design my pages today..I am not going to class bc I said I was "Working." Which, is obviously not true because I dont have a job. Its just, hockey is on and its the playoffs, and that means that I have to see every single game, and also, my anxiety had gotten really bad and all I want to do is stay inside and do nothing.. It's weird, I have spurts of productivity, and then, it all goes down hill from there.. Like yesterday, I went to DBT. Whenever I go there, I feel like I can conquer the world. But then, a few hours later, I feel like I am back to square one.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Back together..

"Why cant this work if we both try..we try..we try.."

We are back together. I said I would never hit again, I know it is going to be really difficult not to hit. That sounds sad but honestly, it is. I have violent urges and angry tendencies and I hate it.. Today, it was good though. We forgot about all the bad, made love, watched hockey, went to Kmart and played with the dogs. We agreed that we love each other and should be together, but a LOT has to change, it really really does. My control over him needs to change. My constant badgering and hurting of him needs to stop. It needs to change, now. But, he needs to stop saying its over all the time. Because, that does not help, it totally hurts, completely hurts.

He also said I should get a job. He is paying for everything for me, and he said he would just appreciate it if I pitched in a little bit. I totally understand, and I think it will be good for me if I get a job that has set hours. I am big on consistency.


Last night our friends came over and we watched playoff hockey all night. It was really awesome. We drank and had a good time.

But, I fucked everything up. When everyone left, Him and I were going to have sex, but then we didn't because I was too sick and drunk. Well, one thing led to another and I started hitting him and we beat each other up pretty badly. Then, he said it was over again. So, here I am trying to prove to him I can change. I can be different. I can love him. I can be a good person. I am just so fucked up, but that doesnt mean I should lose him. That doesnt meant I should lose everything I love and need..I will be different. I will. Its not like I need him bc I am codependent. He is the one for me. I know he is i know he is.

You, you are the one for me.
You, you are all I see.
Me, I am not pretty.
Me, I am so ugly.
You, you are so amazing and pure.
Me, I am messed up and dirty.
You, you are the one I need.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Let's see..He just wont stop ignoring me. Everytime we fight, he ignores me and that just provokes me to lose control. I get angry and volatile, and I end up breaking something, punching him, or myself. He just had never stopped ignoring me. I cant handle this. I cant. Why can't he just stop ignoring me? Why does he ignore me? Why doesnt he care about me? I always try to warn him, I saw if you ignore me it'll get bad and I dont want it to, and he just does it anyway. He doesn't even care..I am so hurt. I hate the ignoring. make it stop.

Silence is like a screeching sound to me.
Silence hurts and silence destroys.
How do I break this silence?
How do I break the barrier?
I need to hear something.
I need to hear you.
Just you..
Just tell me you love me.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

I self harmed today.
I struck my legs with my fists.
It felt good.
I felt something.
I felt pain.
I see my makeup.
The bruises are me.
The bruises are my broken heart.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Happy today!!

I dont know if I mentioned it or not.. but I am on meds because of the neck pains I have, and the meds I happen to be taking are antidepressants. I really think they are been working!! I am extremely happy right now. I am giddy, hyper and happy!! Hockey playoffs start tonight and we are having our meetup group over! Four new people are coming and I am really looking forward to it!

I am really looking forward to tonight, and def tomorrow because my wings play!!! They are going to wint he cup again, I can feel it.

I get my Humanities test back today that the whole class had to retake. I hope I did good on it, I feel like I atleast got a B on it!! I am crossing my fingers.

<3 "You cant live the world through a mirror"

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

First DBT session

Went to DBT today for the first time. It was actually really help and insightful. They started out the session with deep breathing. We inhaled from our noses, kept our breath in for a few minutes, and let our through our was pretty relaxing.

The main thing I learned today is that if I am angry, depressed, whatever the emotion is..I just have to be able to recognize the emotion, name it, and instead of flying off the handle and creating another problem, I evaluate the situation. I ask..what am I upset at? Is this worth trouble/pain/crying over? It is really that big of a deal? That process I guess is called wise mind.

We also got a work sheet. A diary Log of our feelings and we mark if we practiced any techniques or not. I am really going to use it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

You miss it

Okay, He fucking was all nice to this cunt he used to work with.

Do you miss her?? Do you miss working at that pathetic place and checking out big boobed Staci? You miss that? I am sure you do. I am sure you miss it greatly. Now you work at home with no little sluts to check out. Poor you. Poor little guy. Poor guy who cant look at slutty woman. All you have to look at is me. Flat chested me. I feel so bad for you.

You piss me off so much. I cant even think when you're not around me. I am so worried you are looking at porn or goggling your little hooters bitch you like so much. Sorry Hun but Ill never have big knockers, Ill never be a whore, I will never be like HER. So you should go find someone like her. Go to hooters and pick up a girl there, oh every guy will be soooooo jealous of you. Instead of having me be jealous of you, guys can be jealous of your hot girlfriend at hooters. Sorry I dont have much to offer. Sorry I am so skinny and made of bone and flat chested with crooked teeth. Sorry thats not what you want in a girl, bc youll never get it out of me.. NEVER.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

DBT tuesday

I'm blogging from my grandmas place. Oh how I love stealing wireless connections ;)

My therapist called me Friday, and DBT starts on Tuesday. I am very much looking forward to it, and I hope its the "god-sent" that everyone is saying that it is. It is supposed to be the cure all for almost all of my bpd symptoms. So, I am definitley hoping that it is all that it is cracked up to be. The bad news is that I was supposed to take a summer class, (Intro to Broadcasting) but cant now because of the DBT class. Oh well, I can take it next term. Instead, I am taking math. ugh. Yeah, def not looking forward to that!

Him and I have been okay lately, with the exception of him dumping me Wednesday. I didn't want to acknowledge that fact, because it just hurt to. I told him that I am going to be different. I am going to start walking away from him when we fight, which I have been doing and it has been working.

Broken and Bruised, tomorrow she leave him, but tomorrow never comes.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Angry and Crazed

* I stay away when pissy;
* I walk away when I'm angry.
* I remain quiet when nearing mania.
* I NEVER snap without provocation.
* I read self -help books.
* I listen to self -help cds.
* I TRY.

I am angry... I already knew that. I was just reading all of my blog posts, I am one helpless mother fucker. I am not in denial that I have a problem, but I just want everyone to feel bad for me and I am scared to get professional help. I am getting professional help. I have a medicine appointment april 24th and I have a therapist appointment may 1st, but I guess I am not scared of getting professional help. I am scared of practicing what I preach. I am scared of walking away from bad situations with HIM. I am just scared to take that leap. But, I am ready to. I already walked away from Him twice today. That was so hard for me and I did it twice. That really is an amazing task for me. I can do this. I can kick this anger to the curb. I really really can.

I talked to my mom today about things She said I just have to walk away. That's all I have to do is just walk away. She said He just has to say things like "Is this going to help or hurt us" and I just said "it'll hurt us" and then walk away. I can do this I really can.

I will lose him if I don't walk away
I will go to jail if I don't walk away.

* Identify what things trigger your anger. Pick a specific incident and think about it.Was your anger a sudden reaction or did it build up slowly until it finally erupted? Did you get angry because you felt startled or afraid? Recognizing the situations that make you feel angry can help you prepare yourself for them.
* Apply positive thinking. Learn to express your anger in a positive way without blaming or shaming someone else. Explain how you feel and why you feel that way, such as "I feel hurt when you ignore me"or "I feel frustrated when I have to fill out these forms". Statements such as these will help you discuss the problem directly and honestly. It's just as important, of course, to listen to the other person's feelings.
* Distract yourself by thinking of something positive in your life. Make a list of four items that make you feel happy and think about them when your emotions are getting out of control. Laughter is a great way to defuse anger so try to find some humor in your situation.
* Get physically active. This can provide a healthy way to discharge your anger. Go to the gym and have a vigorous work-out. Maybe you can express your feelings through painting or playing a musical instrument.
* Learn to relax and reduce the stress in your life. This will help you feel more in control of what you do and say. Relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing can be done anywhere and at any time. There are books and courses available to teach these and other techniques.
* Practice anger management techniques to relieve your physical tension and help you take charge of the situation. Some examples are:
o Slowly repeat a word or phrase such as 'calm down' or 'relax' and take deep breaths.
o Distract your thoughts by working on a hobby or taking a walk.
o Use humour to diffuse the situation and try to see the funny side of a situation.
o Learn stress management techniques such as relaxation, meditation and deep breathing exercises to reduce your stress level.
* Get professional help as soon as possible if your anger is creating major problems in your life or is becoming violent. Discuss your situation with your family doctor or contact an organization that offers counseling in your community.

More ideas to help you manage angry feelings:

Try these and practice them so they become automatic in stressful situations:

* Breathe deeply in and out while slowly counting from one to four.
* Walk away from the situation until you feel calmer.
* Take a few minutes and concentrate on thinking about a pleasant image or memory.
* Tell the other person you are angry. Do this in a respectful way.
* Praise yourself when you have remained calm during a stressful situation.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Magic of Believing..

I'm reading this new book called the magic of believing. Its great. Its one of the first books written about the law of attraction, its a The Secret-Esque book. I like it so far and it has made me feel more positive in many different situations. So wish me luck with it.

Now, Him and I have been a little better. We still fight of course, but its getting a little better if you could say that. I punched two holes, one in the door and one in the sliding door in His office. I feel horrible about it. I need to stop, but I feel like I cant ever stop.. it sucks. And, he continuously ignores the shit out of me even when I cry so loud and I hurt so bad. I hate it..

He also has a hard time telling me his feelings. So, about once a week he explodes and "lets it all out." This happens once a week, he balls everything up inside and eventually lets it out. I told him that he needs to be honest about his feelings, but he thinks I am going to exploit them, as I have in the past. He said he would work on it, so hopefully he does because I cant handle that.

On a good note though, I went to the beach twice this past week. Its called PI for short, and its my new little getaway. I go there and read, and occasionally walk in the water. I absolutely love it. I would go again today, but I need to be working on my homework and studying for a test.

I'm taking two classes in the summer, and I hope to find a part time job. I have been really productive and emailing people about jobs and emailing my resume. Sadly, I haven't gotten any responses yet, but I haven't given up hope!