Friday, November 26, 2010

Fights, hockey, best friends, and thanksgiving

Let see..I hate to talk about the negative things in my life, but you have to talk about them. I cannot just ignore them and type about all the good things going on in my life. i have to be realistic..

Okay, so Tuesday was a pretty good day at first. At first being the key words right there..Woke up, felt amazing, ate a good breakfast, and felt really good about things. Cleaned the car before class, and the fiance did not even act like I did anything. He was like, oh it looks good. Ugh, why do I hang on what he says so much? Who gives a shit that he only said it looked good. Why does it have to be more than that? Well, all I did was say babe, you know, I wish you would act like I did more than just make something look "good." He then replied with " Are you fucking kidding me." I know I probably should have let it go. I shouldn't have said "why did you only say it looked good, etc." But whenever I tell this boy my feelings he flips out. He didn't have to say are you fucking kidding me. That was uncalled for. Well, I went to school and I did not have time to argue with him. Well then he apologized etc. Well, then I come home at like 530 after being at school for awhile working on the student paper, and when I got home, I started talking to him. I told him how I was feeling so great that morning and hadn't done anything to him and he STILL fought with me, still treated me like shit. How is that fair?? I get treated as if I am disrespecting him, and here I am doing absolutely nothing. It did no good to tell him, because we fought for 4 hours. Yes you read that right, 4 hours! he said it was over, he busted out his phone trying to call his parents and tell them that I hit him (Which I didn't). So I get all worked up, scream, yell, try to get his phone out of his hand, and he of course takes this as I am being violent. I just cannot handle when I just try to tell him my feelings or talk about something, he says its over and tries to leave. It drives me nuts. I asked him why he wanted it to be over when he is the one ausing all this shit, and he is like "Because it is all you. You hurt me, insult me. etc etc etc." Yes, maybe I do that, But I haven't in awhile!! This day was ALL HIM!! HE KEPT SAYING IT WAS ALL ME AND THAT HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!! Not to add, that he is bipolar. Literally he is, takes meds for it. Its so difficult to be in a relationship with two people who have mental disorders! After fighting for 4 hours, he finally realized that it was all him that night. He apologized, etc. But 4 hours of my life were still wasted. Wasted fighting, and wasted trying to get him to realize what he did wrong. It is so exhausting.

Wednesday was a better day though. Had class and came home, got so stoned and played some call of duty <3 my BFF came over and I cooked for him and my fiance. We went to a hockey game and had a blast. Then we watched south park and I looooved it. I cannot believe i ever thought that show was dumb, I had only seen a few episodes! I love when he comes over. Him and I are so alike. Whenever I bust out a bowl to smoke, he NEVER turns it down. He is always game for anything, to hang out, go somewhere, etc. He is very spontaneous (just like me) and he even thinks he has BPD too. Its really nice to be able to talk to him when my fiance and I fight. It's not like I talk shit to him either. I really tell him the truth about my fiance and I and he offers good advice. I called him after that fight Tuesday night, and he thinks my fiance and I should postpone getting married. I couldn't agree more. We have only picked out a date, but we haven't put money down on anything yet. I know we are not ready to get married I guess I just want us to be...My fiance and I have been talking about it though, and we are postponing it. If in a few months we are ready (After BOTH of us getting help for our issues) then we will go ahead with the wedding at the date we wanted. But if not, then that is when we will tell everybody we are waiting..

Thanksgiving was great! Drove to Ocala Thursday morning, and watched the parade with my grandparents. It was weird though, when I got there. Without my sister being there, it was going to be so different. I cannot remember the last time we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. But, I guess all in all it was okay. We got some lunch, and got high in the car as we were picking up lunch for my grandparents. I am absolutely thrilled that I discovered cannabis. Without it, I couldn't handle most situations. Got back to my grandparents and watched some football, even though the Lions are terrible. Took a walk, got high even more, and took some awesome pictures. Him and I got along great and family came over. Played some pictionary and had a great time. i had a friend from high school come over and it was overall a great night.

I am about to leave for a friends house. She invited us over for dinner and to watch the hockey games. Is it weird that I am extremely excited to go? I do not go to friends houses often so I am really looking forward to going!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

A few things

I know its a little early to update, but hell I am doing it anyway.

I have SO much anxiety right now. I have a class today until about 6, we are on deadline for our schools newspaper and we have to get it all done between today and tomorrow. I would just much rather lay around the house naked all day until the hockey game tonight. God I want to do that. But, I have responsibilities....I just don't like going to that class. It's like, I can do all of it from home so why do I have to go in and waste my day? Ugh. But, my BFF is in that class, and we always have fun when we are together. We aren't going to be able to talk much though because we will both be busy doing our pages...

My stomach is acting up today too. I do not feel very well, feel like I am going to throw up at any minute. So that does not help the fact that I will be at class a lot today. I need to feel better.

I have been reading a lot of other BPD blogs lately. I really wish there was some sort of support group here for BPD's. Its not fair. They have bipolar groups, depression groups, but no BPD groups. I need to meet more people with this disorder!

Today Part 2

Wow, I actually had a great day today!! I haven't had one of these in awhile, and I am really happy about it. Even though I woke up not feeling well, I smoked a bowl before going to class, listened to Lady Gaga in the car, and felt better right when I got on campus! Class was cool too. I love Journalism class. Every time I feel like I don't want to go or something I feel so good when I get there. I edited a few stories, most of which were pretty rough. I hate to pass judgment on new writers, as I have been there but they do not know AP style, and haven't had an English class yet! But, me and my BFF were there and it made things better. He truly is a great person. I have not known him for long, but we really connect. After class, I came home and glanced at some BPD websites. I found a really good chat and forum, Psych Central. I got my five posts and I get to go in the chat room now. I talked with a girl who has BPD and posted some on the forum. That took up most of my afternoon and then my fiane got off of work, we played some video games and went to a hockey game! The lightning won 3-1 and we really got along. I am looking forward to tomorrow because I am either going to yoga tomorrow night or a zen buddhist meditation!

Saw this on a friends blog...

Think Good Thoughts Today! And do not forge that each thought you have, each second that elapses, each breath you take, COUNTS!!! So take advantage, after all, we may only have today.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Time for a change, for real this time.

Wednesday and Thursday of last week were pretty bad for me. I really went ape shit to say the least. I broke things, tried to hit my fiance, and just went nuts. Him and I fought a ton and I just could not handle it when he ignores me. I flew off the handle and could NOT control myself. This is probably because I was taking my meds sporadically. But, I have been taking my meds more regularly though. I have felt better since Thursday, I just have to keep taking them. God, I get mad at my fiance for forgetting Shis meds and causing his moods to be all over the place, and here I am doing it...

We went to a couples counselor Thursday. She was alright, I guess I will give her a chance even though she called me "eccentric." But, I did tell her I have BPD and she didn't get all weird about it. She actually knows about BPD so that made things a little better. She respected us and I felt like I could tell her the honest truths about our relationship. We told her about the violence and all the disrespect. We didn't sugarcoat anything.

On another note..I have a lot of catching up to do this week. I skipped class Wednesday through Friday, due to our fighting. `At least we only have school until Wednesday because of Thanksgiving. I don't think I could handle a full week of school right now.

I am ready for a life change. I am sick of being negative and letting my disorder control my life. I am sick of not having an active social life. Yeah I might have friends, but I want to be more active in my social life. Maybe not meeting more people necessarily, but doing more than just holing myself up in the house. That could be another reason I am so miserable. I don't want to start too big, by having a bunch of stuff to do everyday. But at least once per day I have to do SOMETHING. I am going to start out with yoga everyday at least one a day and reading at least once a day. That is my goal this week. To do yoga and read everyday once per day at least :) When I succeed with that, then I will add more. Also, I am going to start doing a better job of judging people. For instance..thinking they are ugly, or weird, or dumb etc. I need to do something to better myself at least once a day too and this week I am working on not being so judgmental.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Haven't been on here in almost a month, that has GOT to change. This blog is very theraputic for me, and I need to post more often!

Its only Tuesday and I am waiting for Friday! I have had a bad last few days, angerwise. I have been off my meds for 4 days because I am lazy and did not get them filled on time before I ran out! That probably doesn't help my state either. I depend on that medicine, especially for sleep. When I don't get enough sleep I am miserable. But these last few days, my sleep has not been that bad. It isn't like I am irritable either. Its like I am pissed off at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and do not want anyone around me or want to be around anyone either. I kinda wish my fiance was out of town or something and I had this house to myself to BLAST music during the day (cant because he works from home and is always on the phone), or watch a movie of MY choice. (Actually you know what, I am doing that STAT.) I just never get the house to myself. He is ALWAYS here, and it is really straining our relationship. I NEED independence from him. I love when I take vacations and he doesnt come. Its not like I hate him or want nothing to do with him, but I need to grow as an individual, but I don't know how to do that when I am engaged. Everything is shared with him. Even when we go out to dinner, the waiter or watress lets him taste the first glass of our bottle of wine, and never ask me if I like it or not, which I didnt, I hated it.

I did have an amazing weekend with him though. We went to Saint Augustine, shopped, went on a date to an Italian restaurant, went on a ghost tour, and we brought one of our doggies. It was really fun and I really wish we couldve stayed longer, but we had to get back to the Monday-Friday grind.

I need to get out of this anger funk right now though. I did some damage to a door last night because I was being now we have to buy another door. I just cannot imagine what our landlord would say if he knew that we had to replace some things in this house.

Well, I am taking my meds regularly again, hopefully I will get them filled in time next time I need to go to CVS. After a few bowls, I feel better. Whenever I am high I feel better, confident, and overall GOOD. It's a shame that its illegal and frowned upon so much. People need to stop being so close minded and realize the benefits of it.

We need help. We need couples counseling, I need to go to individual therapy and so does he.