Wednesday, February 17, 2010

This rollercoaster of UPS and DOWNS

As I sit and write this blog post today, my heart is beating, my mind is clear, and I feel ALIVE! The only thoughts running through my mind today are good thoughts. Boy, I wish everyday was like this! This feeling is invigorating! I had some vivid dreams last of those included me working at an old workplace, but it was present day. I know dreams are totally random, but I kind of took that as a "sign." So, when I woke up, I was in this great, motivated mood. I went to my computer, sent an email to my old job, and asked if they had any openings! I really screwed up that job.. I was on like a 1 week hiatus, and they still took me back. I was late, along with falling asleep on the job.. But, I have a new attitude on life. I am going to acknowledge what I did, but not let it ruminate in my mind. The past is the past, and I cannot let that rule my life anymore. Easier said that done huh? I am trying, and trying my best, that's what counts right? I also am applying to other positions too. I just need something to occupy me ya know? I know I have had so many jobs in the past 5 years, but I am ready to take a step and work, even if its just part time. Part time is really all I can do especially because I am in school.

On the sex addiction front, I have had these vivid dreams of me having sex with men I have either been involved with, people I have NEVER seen before, or even actors! I know this is all part of withdrawal, and something is just TRYING to tempt me, but damnit, I am not going to give into that $#%^. Also, I have had dreams of me texting certain people, and have woken up and I thought I actually slipped! But, I havent, I am sober 17 days now, thank god.

Last night, I was really angry and hating the whole withdrawal shit, but I told my fiancee I wasnt in a good mood, I didnt throw anything or say anything I would regret later. I just said I wasnt in the mood to talk. See, it makes it really difficult having anger problems associated with BPD, and then anger problems because of my withdrawal from sex and love addiction, it makes it that much harder to succeed, but that much sweeter when I do.

Thank you everyone for the comments! It helps to know that I am not alone.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Two weeks and one day!

That's right, I am 15 days sober as of today. I am feeling great about myself. I really think I can conquer this addiction, not by myself of course, but with the help of a higher power and others in S.L.A.A, I can do it. I still have yet to find a sponsor..I just fear that someone will say they aren't ready to be a sponsor, and I will probably take it personal, like I always do.. But I have to try and not do that! It isnt all about me!

I have stopped going to the co-ed Sunday meetings, I just like the all women friday meetings much much better. I can relate to them more, and some people in the Sunday meeting freaked me out..

Now, for the BPD..I am doing "better" but I did have a FREAK out yesterday. My fiancee said he didnt like the way I was talking to him, so he decided to demand that I say something exactly the way he wanted me to say it. So, I in turn flipped out, and broke a curtain rod along with other things. I do have to try harder with my anger, but at the same time, I cannot just sit there and continuously be pushed, or this is what happens. Next time, i think I will just walk away instead of keeping the fight going. However, it is not worth the pain and strife of breaking things! I would much rather just walk away and come back at a later time. This is just so difficult for me to do! I need to try better, try harder, think of the pros and cons! I can really do this!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Feeling better today

It is early in the day, but I can already tell it is going better than yesterday already. I feel better, my mind is clearer, and I just have a better outlook on life as it is today.

As of today, I am 12 days sober! I am very proud of myself. I have stuck to my "bottom lines." I have texted Ea when I feel like acting out, and I just feel better about myself. Today is the all woman's S.L.A.A. meeting, and I want to try and find a sponsor today! I need one desperately. I cannot rely on my friends to help me through this addiction. I need someone who has been sober for a good period of time, and can relate to this addiction themselves.

I used to be, not necessarily weirded out by this addiction, but clueless about it, and I felt ashamed to be addicted to love and sex. However, now I am just embracing it. This is a part of me, and there is nothing wrong with this disease! I am trying to stay sober, and I am just embracing this part of myself :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Withdrawal sucks

My anger has increased a lot today, and I JUST realized today that is has EVERYTHING to do with my sex and love addiction. I found this online chat, its for sex and love addicts. Its nice, because when there are not any face to face meetings really late at night, or in the morning or something, I have this chat to talk on and to get some advice. Well, I have been really angry, depressed, and have had no motivation to do anything at all recently. I have missed two days of classes and just haven't felt like myself at all. I then hopped on to the chat, and the people in there told me I am probably just going through withdrawal. It feels much better to know there is a reason why I am being a bitch and being so sad lately.

I have an urge to text one of my Q's..(qualifiers). I know there is no point in texting him, its just going to make me feel empty and alone, and get me into trouble down the line, and it is not worth it.

11 days sober!