Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The anxiety is back


My anxiety is back because I havent been taking my meds every night, because I will run out and I havent scheduled another appointment with my doctor..I better do that..

But yeah, my anxiety is back in full force. I have a list of like 6 things I need to do today, and I am finding myself just sitting here avoiding them completely. It took me until 10 am to actually get dressed, I circled around the house and eventually got dressed when I was too bored to keep just sitting around. Then, I took the dogs for a walk. When I got home, I looked at my to do list and I just let out a deep sigh..because my anxiety is keeping me from being productive. I just want to lay in bed all day long and not do a thing, and sleep, sleep, sleep. But, I really cant just sleep my life away. Boy, do I wish I could. But, thats not realyl a life worth living now is it? I also really need to study my DBT skills so I get the boll rolling with recovery and therapy.. is such a hard thing for really really is.

I am supposed to be going to this thing tonight, girls game night meetup. Its wit this meetup group that I belong to. I really want to go, and hopefully I dont let my anxiety get in the way of it, and just stay in tonight and avoid going completely. Man, I am just a huge mess still arent I?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Well..I kicked in His computer while he was on the phone with some cunt doing some stupid presentation. He was being wayy too nice to her and I just had enough of his little shit and I let loose, and kicked the computer he was working on. It didnt do anything, but after he hung up the phone with her, he said it was "over" but of course it wasnt. I was just so god damned upset, he was talking so nice to this cunt, nicer than usual, and it REALLY REALLY set me off.

I really need to stop interfering with his work though. Its not fair to him. No matter how upset I get, I cannot kick his computers in, and possibly make him lose his job. I cannot do that. It has to stop. I just have to not be in his office whiel eh is on the phone, or bug him while he is on a support call..sounds easier than it really is..

I didnt go to DBT today. This was the first appointment I missed, I really should not have missed it..I told my boyfriend I was sick (Which is partly true, I started my period and im feeling yucky) but the main truth is I just didnt want to get out of the house. I am really depressed and PMSing and didnt want to face the world today.

I really want to hear back from books a million. They basically said I could have the job if the background check passes. I got arrested in May 07, but I was NEVER convicted, the charges were dropped. So, hopefully I pass the backgroudn check and I get the job. I NEED to get out of this house, and I NEED something on my own, to myself. I really believe I can work and show up and not call out like I used to. I really really want to get this job. I emailed the lady today, so hopefully I get it... I really will be upset if I dont.

I dont really know what I am doing today. Porbably just puttsing aroudn teh house, readinhg my book, and being extremely anxious. Doesnt that sound like soo much fun?!

Monday, June 15, 2009

The ungrateful jerk

I am so sick of you. You just said that I act helpless. Really? I am helpless? Right.. a helpless person cleans the house all damn day long, a helpless person cleans the bedroom, the living room, sweeps the floors, swiffers the floors, and takes the dogs on walks. I take care of the house and make sure it looks great. Yeah, I am so helpess arent I? You are such a ungrateful bastard. You sit it your precious chair all damn day long in your boxers while you look at a computer all day. What an easy life. I have to sit here and worry about what your doing all day long, I have to go through my therapy while you dont call your therapist to schedule appointments. You watch CSI all damn day long and look at nasty sluts on your porn websites while I am cleaning your house.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

The feel good day

I hung out with my bestie yesterday..she wanted me to go to an anorexic meeting with her for support, and I went. It felt really good to go there with her. I might not know that much about anorexia, but I was there for her when she needed it and it made me feel good. After that, we went to Plato's closest, and then to Michaels to get friendship bracelet stuff! It was a lot of fun, we said we are going to hang out once a week and have girly daysw, no boys invited!! Then me and Him when to a baseball game to help our other friend volunteer and sell tickets for Shriners. It was a lot of fun, felt good to give back to the community!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I hold the happiness in my hands math class officially kicked my ass. I am droppng it so I dont get an F. I failed all my tests and there is no way I can even get a C in this class.I am really really upset and really disappointed. I really believed in myself and thought I could do it, but the summer class is expedited and goes by really really fast. The teacher doesnt even go over tests because the class is only 10 weeks long. I really really am upset, because this doesnt only mean I get a W on my report, but I cant even gradute until fall 2010, because I have to take three maths, and I only have three semesters left. Three semsters until now is fall 2010, and in the fall, there isnt even a ceremony for graduation. You get a got damned degree in the mother fucking mail. Yeah, I worked this hard to get a degree in the off.

So, I layed in bed all day, and barely even ate. I slept almost all day long. I am just so depressed and upset about it.. But one good thing did happen today! I got an email from someone at books-a-million, and they want me to come in for an interview at 11am Friday!! I am really excited, I really hope I get it. I believe I will, and that would be great. I would be out of the house and I will make money whiel selling books!!

In other news about me, therapy is going well. I am being completely honest about myself, and I am getting a lot out of it. My therapist gave me one piece of very good advice. She said, "do not let anyone else hold happiness in your hands." Well, I am starting to do that, starting today.

Monday, June 8, 2009


I hate my life. I fucking hate it. I wish everyone would just stay out of my life and leave me alone. I wish I could just live in a nice little house with all my animals, and all the food I want and no one could interfere or interrupt my life. Everyone is just getting in the way of everything. Everyday, I have to worry about what my boufriend does, if he is looking at porn, or if he is working like he should. My so called "bff" sits here and says she is going to hang out with me all the time, and we make plans, and then I dont even fucking hear from her. So I have that to worry about. Then, I have fucking cunts from businesses to worry about and I worry how they are going to treat my boyfriend, or I worry what they look like bc my boyfriend might possibly meet them in the future, and they might be hot and my boyfriend might want to fuck them.

I just wished I didnt have to worry about anything. A worry free life, with no bad surprises or blindsiding things. I dont even care about money. All I care about is being happy. That is my only wish in life, is to be happy. Gosh, that would be the best life ever. THAT would be a life worth living. I can just see it now. Being happy most of the time. Wow, that would be amazing..but thats not the case. I am miserable. I just want my misery to end. And you know what..I was blaming it on everyone else in the beginning. Its my god damned fault. Its ALL me. NO ONE else. ME. So, I am going to take me out of the equation. I am going to distance myself from everyone and everything. Maybe I will make people happier by staying out of THEIR precious lives.