Saturday, July 31, 2010

Im not a girl, not yet a woman

Smoke flows out of my mouth as I try my best to cultivate some sort of poem. I haven't written in months, and my brain seems stuck, stuck in the rut I created for myself. Stuck in a creative coma, when no good ideas are seeming to come to me or words just don't seem to fit together no matter how hard I try. I flip through my red leather poem book (which I haven't touched in MONTHS) and I re-read the poems I wrote last year. I had a way with words when I used to write..or maybe I was feeling such intense emotions that no matter how i wrote, my words conveyed intense, deep emotions to whoever read my poems. I wanted to write some poetry tonight, but I cannot think of anything to write.. I think I will just read some of my older stuff.

When I re-read my poetry from awhile back, I see how much i have grown as a girl into a woman (someday!).

I used to be the type of person who would just "blend in" or conform to what everyone else did. I of course still had an opinion ( I have always had one of those..), but I never really let my opinion or thoughts on anything be heard. I dressed fashionably, but never took risks with my look, caring and worrying too much about what anyone else would think. I also didn't care too much for myself and I was too comfortable with how i was living my life (and never really worried too much about what I did wrong to people). I have changed immensely. I am not yet the exact type of person I want to end up being, but I am getting there. I am taking more risks, and as each day goes by, I try to care less and less what others think of me. I am dressing the EXACT way I want, and not letting others' opinions affect my judgment. I got a tattoo, a haircut, and my nose pierced. Ever since then, I have felt more like a woman and I am really starting to love myself more and more everyday.

I wish I was fully recovered from all of my disorders and conditions, but I am not. I am not even close. I have at least begun the journey to recovery. A couple of months ago, when I would get into a fit of rage, call someone a name, or "act out" on my love addiction, I just spewed excuse after excuse that "I have problems..or "I cannot help it." But you know.. I can help it. I have a different option. I can choose to be different, or I can choose to give into my problems. I choose to be different and I choose to change. Change freaks me the hell out me, but its necessary in living this new life I am trying to live. Recovery is possible.

Today, I am on the journey to recovery. The road will be a long one, but I am here for the ride.