Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New years resoultions

Wow, I havent posted in quite some time now. That has got to change! Tomorrow is 2009, I cannot believe it! 2008 has gone by so quickly, it seems like it was 2007 a few days ago..But, here we are celebrating yet another new years!

There are so many things that I want to change for the new year, but I dont want to get overwhelemed by wanting to do so many things. But, I am going to create a new years resolution list with EVERYTHING I want to change. Books and websites tell you not to come up with too many things, but hey, I am me and I will do what I want:)

1. Eat Better (fast food only once and awhile, and three meals a day!)
2. Exercise at least once a day
3. Pay more attention to my animals
4. Save money, and not spend money foolishly
6. Make More Friends
7. Keep animals up to date with shots and keep them healthy
8. write it my blog and journal more
9. Start to sew and make creative things!
10. will come up with more I am sure!

I havent posted since like my first week of school. Guess what?! That Math class I was talking about, I got a freaking B in it! Isn't that great?! I was so happy and proud of myself. I got an A in Journalism, and A in English, and a B in Mass Communications.

I did a great job, and I am very happy. Him and I though, thats another story. We are still in a rough patch and not doing so well.

Monday, September 1, 2008


I am glad I updated when Jeff and I were doing amazing, bc when things are bad like they are now.. I can look back and smile..

Thursday, August 21, 2008

First day of school

Wow! Its so early in the morning! I am at school for my first day! I could not sleep at all last night. I guess I was so nervous/excited for today! Gosh, this is like my fifth installment of going to school. I am really going to make it work this time. I need to. I want to. I can do this. I had such good grades in high school. I can be motivated again, and I will be.

I made sure I remembered everything and gues what I class schedule at home on the fridge!! Good thing I can access it online or I would be screwed:)

Jeff and I had the most amazing night last night. We were supposed to go mini golfing but it poured! That always seems to happen to us:( We went to Red Lobster, and had a yummy dinner, and then we went to this plae called Celebration Station, and played arcade games! It as so much fun! We played basketball, skee ball, and other games! Oh, we played air hockey too! I had a blast, I couldnt have asked for more on my last day of summer. Jeff is so amazing. He really really is. I know things arent going to be amazing all the time, but I told him this morning to remember last night when his disorder kicks in...

Then we came home, and watched the Olympics! He fixed my internet so I go online at school! Yay! My first class starts in 40 minutes..the class I am going to hate the most. MATH. A math class that doesnt even count towards the requirement since its a damn prep class..I have to go to it 3 days a week! Ugh! I am going to make the best of it though.

Tonight, I just want to relax. I am going to be @ school all day today, so I just want to come home and relax. I am really excited for today, but I am also nervous. For that last few months, I have been home with Jeff every single day, and knowing who is talks to every single day. I am afraid he isnt going to tell me, but I really think we are past that. I think he finally knows what I want, and I dont think we will have that problem..I am off! Wish me luck on my first day!!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I am always there for him

Did I mention that my boyfriend is Bi-polar? Yeah, that makes this relationhip much more difficult..

Yesterday, Jeff and I were having a pretty good day, I went to the Chiropractor (I had an accident a yr ago, and started going to the Dr's for the pains in my neck), and things were going pretty good, but he started lashing out on me. Usually, I take what he says to heart (like any normal person would), but, I tried letting things roll off of my shoulder. Its not like I am letting him walk all over me and its not like I am letting him treat me however he feels. I am trying to be the bigger person, and by not taking things personally our fights will be a lot less severe. So, when he lashed out on me and insulted me, I just let it roll off my shoulder.

I took the ferrets for a walk on their leash! They are getting ahold of walking on them! Its so much fun to see them learn new things. Its just like having children. I asked Jeff if he could take a break from working to come see them and he said no. It really upset me because he always just sits around and doesnt work, and whenever I want/need him to do something, he all the sudden is busy. I told him this, and he understood. He then went out with us to see them walking, but they got really really tired:( After that, Jeff totally broke down. He went out on the couch, and was curled up in a ball. He started crying and shaking. He explained to me that he has been really stressed out and he is very sorry for how he was treated me. I feel so bad for him. I hav ea personality disorder, but its nothing like being bipolar. He was giving himself a headache, and is body was extremely warm. I was there for him the entire time. He usually isnt there for me when I need him, he says he becomes "paralyzed" and cant be there for me. I shouldve just let him cry to himself, let him fend for himself like he makes me do. But, I am not heartless. I cannot just leave the person who I love in the cold crying and needing someone to hold on to, and not being there.

The rest of the night was great, I made us dinner, we took a walk, and watched the Olympics. Jeff really appreciated that I was there for him. Atleast he appreciates me and knows what I do for him ya kno?

I realize..either you can fight fire with fire, or you can be there for the people who you love the most, with unconditional love, and thats what I am going to do. Yes, I couldve just done to him what he does to me (ignoring..etc.) But like I said, I love him. Maybe one day he will understand what I do for him, and he will do the same for me..

Being bipolar must be hard. It seems like the disorder manipulates you. I used to think Jeff was a manipulator, but he really isnt. Its his disorder. Seriously. Today, we got into a little fight, and out of nowhere he tells me its over and never wants to see me again! Last night, he tells me how much he loves me and how much he needs me, then he says its over? See, with my disorder, I take EVERYTHING personally. Things I should, and things I shouldnt. So, I could make our fights much worse, I could stary crying and screaming and getting all upset that he says its over..or, I could just choose to ignore it. i am choosing to ignore it and be a bigger person.

Jeff and I are going mini-golfing tonight. Its my last day of summer. Tomorrow I start college again:(

Monday, August 18, 2008

The letter I wish I could send to my bfs parents

I wish I had the courage and audacity to send this letter to my boyfriends parents..

Dear Mr. and Mrs. G,

Hey Its P. I am sending you this email because I have been unhappy about things lately. I really like you guys. Ever since I met you, I have wanted you guys to be like the second pair of parents to me, and it was like that for awhile, until you found out about the violence that went on between J and I. Sadly, my relationship with you guys has never been the same as the relationship you all have with S. I know youre going to think things like I am paranoid, sensitive..etc, (because thats what you do with J), but frankly, those things arent the case. J feels the exact same way I do in relation to his relationship with you guys and the relationship you have with C. I dont know what it it because J and I arent married, dont have children, or arent serious enough for you guys to develop a realtionship with me? I have told J countless times to invite you guys over, and he has, and to tell you guys how I would love to come over there every Sunday, and make dinner and pool swimming a tradition. I am very big into family, and since I cant have my family here with me, I would love to do things like that. However, you guys have never accepted. You have been here once since we have moved in, and you only came to our old place once. It hurts. We live 20 minutes away, and barely see you, yet you fly out frequently to see C and S. J didnt want me to say anything to you all. He likes keeping his feelings in and not expressing them, but I am not the same way. How you guys treat me compared to S is hurtful and wrong, and I cant just be quiet about that. K, I would love to bond with you more. I would love to hang out with you, run errands with you, or just spend time with you even if J isnt there. B, I appreciate everything you have done for me and us (the car, and the help with our money problems), so I dont want you thinking I am ungrateful for that, bc I definately am thankful for that, very much. I just dont understand why you guys show so much favortism for C and S. It hurts J and I very much. And, I am sorry, J loves me and we have a great life together, and that isnt going to end any time soon, if ever. So, I would really like to try and make a relationship with all of us work. I see how much it hurts J, and I dont want him feeling that way either. I understand many a time he has not picke dup your call, or his phone has been dead..but, he got a new phone battery a week in a hald ago, and didnt call him once, and that hurts him. He wants to talk to you all a lot. I would love to hear form you guys, but it just feels as if you dont care to hear from us. I have been going to the Chiropractor, and you guys didnt ask about how I feeling at all. I am starting school Thursday, and you guys havent even asked about that. But, I have to run. I have to go to school. I hope you all start taking our feelings seriously, because this isnt just being sensitive or paranoid.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Just relaxing

Hey everyone.. (not like their is anyone who reads this anyway). Jeff and I are having a lazy Sunday. He is working a little bit so we can have a lot of money for our vacay to Chicago in September. I used to get really really upset if he wanted to work on the weekend, but we arent doing that much today why not make some extra money?

Friday, we went out to Goodwill and foudn an air hockey table for 10 bucks! It worked too! You can find some really cool stuff at Goodwill. Almost the entire apartment is decorated in stuff from Goodwill and thrift shops. Then we got some fast food and came home to watch the Olympics. We have been watching the Olympics a lot. I love it! Saturday we went to garage sales, but we didnt find anything at all! Then, we came home, Jeff worked a little, and we met this guy because he is going to be watching our pets while we go on our vacation. I might be getting a job with him too. He runs a pet sitting business and that would be a perfect part time job for me! Then, we had dinner and watched the Olympics of course!

Today, I think I am going to go to another Goodwill! I dont really want to sit around the house and be completely bored! Who knows if I will find anything cool, but I atleast want to get out of this damn apartment!

We have a hurricane coming!! Yay!! I looove bad weather! I absolutely love it! I hope it hits Tampa head on!


I went to Goodwill today..didnt find a lot of cool stuff, but it was nice to get out and enjoy my day rather be obsessed with Jeff's day! I was reading my old xanga yesterday..and it king of made me sad.. My blog was all about hockey and I seemed a happier person back then. At the time I was keeping my blog I was still living in Ocala, and I was talking about I couldnt WAIT to move to Tampa. That made me sad a little bit..because lately, all I have been saying is how much I hate it here. I think, certain people and certain situations have made me hate it because after I went to Goodwill today, I drove around Tampa a bit. I went downtown and by the arena and stuff. I dont hate it here! I love Tampa. I love that I am 10 minutes from hockey, I have season tickets and everything. Its just lately..I havent been myself. Reading my old xanga helped me realize that. I am not going to leave my boyfriend because of it (thats what a lot of people do to discover themselves..) But, I dont have to do that. I am going to take a shower tonight, and meditate. After that, I am going to write down everything I need to change!!
On tap for tonight..watching the Olympics and keeping an eye on T.s. Fay!

Monday, August 11, 2008

I have done a better job not living co-dependent days. People on that site I mentioned earlier call it a "non codie" day. I have definately had those, and it feels great! You know what also feels great? Going to the chiropractor! I got into an accident about a year ago, and my neck hasn't been the same since. I shouldve gone to the Dr's then, but if you know me, you know I put things off. But yeah, its awesome. I went in there having a HORRIBLE headache caused by my neck pains, I came out, feeling great with the headache gone :)

Anyways, I had a great weekend. Jeff and I watched the Olympics ALL weekend! It was awesome! We stayed in our pajamas all weekend, ate junk, and stayed inside. It was a lovely weekend in.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Introducing myself

Ok, I am giving this a third shot. They say third times a charm right? I have had two blogs on here. The first one, people from my boyfriends old work saw it. The second, he read it all the time and critisized me for it. So this MINE. I dont know if people online can see it, but my name and personal info isnt in it so they wont know who I am. I dont like keeping secrets from my boyfriend. But, I dont see this as a secret. I am not doing anything wrong at all. I am keeping a blog on my feelings/fears/problems so i can vent and help myself, because thats what I need to do is help MYSELF.

First of all, I am codependent, it obviously says that in my blog. I didnt just realize that recently or anything, but recently I grasped what it meant to be codependent. Basically, ever since I started dating (I am talking about SERIOUS relationships), I have been more focused on changing my boyfriend and I have been more concerned with what he does/says/and how he lives more than caring about myself. I dont know why I started this or when it started, it just did. And now, I am frankly getting sick of living my life for someone else. It is one thing to love someone, care about them, and want to please them, but its another to care more about someone else than yourself.

I am being very codependent in my current relationship with a wonderful man named Jeff. We have been dating since Feb 07, and ever since we moved in together (April 07), I have been more concerned with him than myself, by doing things like only talking about his job, his life, his friends, and trying to change his problems. Right now, I dont have a job. I am starting school August 21st (I am very excited for it to start), but since I dont have anything to do during the day right now, all I do is sit around in our apartment and worry about Jeff's work. Jeff works from home, he does IT work from his home office. I am not saying that if jeff didnt work at home or if I had a job I wouldnt be concerned with his problems or his life, because I would be. I am saying that because I have nothing to do during the day, that I choose to sit at home and mope around the house. Here in lies another problem. I am VERY jealous/paranoid and I am living with some sort of Personality Disorder..which one, I do not know yet. But, being paranoid and jealous does not make being codependent any easier. It makes it MUCH worse because being paranoid and jealous involve OTHER people, and worrying about what OTHER people do. So if not anything, it is a double-edged sword. So basically, when my boyfriend wakes up for work, I follow him into the office and sit in there all day, sometimes I leave to clean, but I go back in the office periodically to check if women are emailing him or calling him..etc. I sit in there all day long. I have wasted so much time in my life doing nothing, and I dont want to do that anymore, I just feel as if I have to.Just because I dont have a career yet, doesnt mean there isnt anything in my life to worry about or care about.

So yeah, theres the first half of it. Sounds fun huh? I want to be concerned with me. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. That is not selfish for someone who has been living for other people almost all her life, I think she deserved to care about herself a little bit.

Thats all for now <3