Friday, January 23, 2009

The Amazing Night

Yesterday, was purely amazing. It was the best day Him and I had in a long time. It started when he took a lunch break from work and we played cards and made love. It was great. Then, when he was working, I decided to totally let go of myself. Before I was ina serious relationship with Him, I didnt worry about what anyone thought about me. It is kidn of a continuation of the "self realization" post. So, I put on my Ipod headphones, and sang liek no one was around! I loved it! I usually worried if He would think I had a bad voice or not, but I need to stop living my life worrying about everyone else!! Well, anyway, I had so much fun! He did the same thing, blasted his music through his headphones and sang like no one was was fun!

Then, when He got off of work, we played Grand Theft Auto, it was a blast. We then made steak for dinner which actually turned out, played Donkey Kong for like 2 hours, and baked Peanut Butter Cookies. Then.. made love again.

I love Him so much. I know a lot of the posts have been bad, but its just to get my emotions out. I love him with all of my heart and I know we will work out. I know it. It is going to be hard, but I know we will make it.. appointment with the psychologist was missed. I went to the wrong place and I was like 15 minutes from the actual place. So, I have an appointment Feb 5th and have to wait longerrrr...

So yeah, we have really been getting along, I hope it lasts because it is the best feeling I have ever had <3

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The realization

Not a good weekend for the sports teams..

Lightning got beat by the freaking Panthers, and the red wings let the Sharks beat them, still a real good game tho!

I had a bit of self discovery on Friday. I realized, that I havent really been acting myself, for about the last 3 years. This has NOTHING to do with my boyfriend. It has to do with what I thought people wanted out of me. I care way too much what people think. So, in turn, I wore Abercrombie clothes, and preppy shit like that. I jsut realized... THATS NOT ME. What is me, is NOT punk, preppy, rocker, or any of that shit. I am ME. I might not define with a certain "click" or "group" I define myself by being myself. So, I got rid of a lot of clothes, and got my bottom lip pierced, and I am going to change a lot of things about how I have been acting, how I have been living life, and how I think. I used to be a " I dont give a shit what people think" person, and a "unique" person, and I just lost sight of that and conformed. So, heres to being myself and not worrying about what people think about me!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The low self esteem

I am sitting here bored out of my mind! I am waiting to go to class, which starts at 1230. I have school Monedays and Wednesdays, 123-630. It is a pretty long day to say the least! I am taking Humanities, English 2, Writing for Mass. Comm and Journalism (the newspaper class). Today in Journalism, we find out what jobs we are doing this semester. I hope hope hope I get the sports editing job. That would be the coolest thing. I would very proud of myself if I got that.. I dont have many successes in my life, and that would definately be the highest of them! So wish me luck!

I have been struggling lately with my self esteem. I mean, I am skinny, blonde, and have blue eyes. I know I am pretty. It isn't like I think I am ugly or anything like that. But, I just wished I grabbed attention. Like,when people see me, they say wow she is Hot. I dont think people do that with me. I might be called cute, but not hot. It bothers me a lot that I dont have cleavage, or bigger boobs. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Also, I have been told that I look really young, like I am 12, I think that is rediculous, but I want the comments to stop. When me and Him hang out with our guy friends, they look at other women and say omg look at that "woman." I want that. I want to be the center of attention. I want other people to lookat me like that. I know my boyfriend does. He thinks I am the hottest girl ever.. I just dont feel like that is me. It also doesnt help me that I like sports. I love sports. I am a sports chick..but that doesnt help me bond with other women or anything like that. I feel boyish IDK. I feel like I want to be all sports chickish but then I want to be the girly girly who everyone wants to be.. Who am I?

Tonight.. just watching 24 with my boyfriend and the Detroit Red Wings play in Anaheim agianst the ducks, its at 10pm, I hate those late games..



The detroit red wings had their six-game winning streak end the other night against Dallas, as they lost 5-4 in OT (one of their worst defensive games of the year). The Red wings hope to get back on the winning track agianst the Ducks tonight in Anaheim. The Ducks are having a mediocre season, as they sit in the 5th spot in the high powered Western Conference. Their goalie, John Sebastian Giguere got a much needed win Sunday against the Devils, winning his first game since December 14TH. If Anaheim is going to go far this year, Giguere must step up his game.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Tough Weekend..

Detroit vs Dallas Wings lose 5-4 in OT.
Tampabay @ Los Angeles LATE GAME. 10:30

I am really not in the mood to blog today..but since I havent in a few days, I wanted to atleast update. This past weekend was hell. I woke up Saturday morning and He was gone. His car was gone, and I had no idea where he went. I called his parents house, and thats where he was. He said it was over and he didnt want to see me again. My heart dropped and I was lost for words. I immediately drove in the direction of his parents house, but did not have the courage to go up to the door, so I droev around in circles. Jeff said he would call me in thirty minutes. It had been three hours and he still did not call. I drove home, then drove back to his parents place and his Dad came out and said he didnt want to talk..Then, I left The car (Which his Dad owns) at their place, and I called Jeff, he came and met me down the street, we talked for 45 minutes, but he went inside..

Basically, he stayed at his parents place til Sunday, came home, still did not want to be with me, and then he changed his mind. I had hit him Friday night, so that is what sparked all of this. I know hitting is uncalled for, I just really cannot help it. It is like a sickness and disease I cannot control. I hate hurting Him, and want to stop. I have an appointment the 20th with a psychologist, so hopefully I get on crazy pills then.

I was devastated when He broke up with me and I am going to everything in my power to make things good again. I love him with every fiber of my being and will do anything to make this work.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A Good day

Today was actually GOOD. I mean, I can honestly say today me and Him and a very good day. We did a lot today! We got a lot of laundry done, washed our cars, and watched football. His parents just left, they had dinner over here, and they helped us fix our couch (our ferrets clawed through the fabric and made some holes). His parents also bought wood and we painted it green for a ping-pong table top! Thats one thing He wanted for Christmas.

I only had one "borderline" moment. It was when we were washing the cars, and His parents called and said they changed their minds, and wanted to paint the ping-pong table top. The original plan was that it was not going to get done today. Therefore, I thought Him and I could watch football when they got here, and relax, since we had such a busy day. I got very upset at Him because I did not want to be stuck inside while him and his dad paint, nor did I want to be stuck painting, because I was so tired. I had a good day with Him and just wanted to hang out with Him and watch football, NOT do our own things. I screamed, and kicked things, and threatened to drive off. Eventually, he listed to my feelings and was there for me.

So, all in all, I only had one episode and everything else was good. I think I caught a cold, so I am just probably going to go to bed early. We watch Brothers and Sisters when its new, and it is new tonight, so we will probably watch that, and then call it a night.

Nothing much planned for this week. I start the Spring Semester for school on Wednesday, and I want to just relax until then!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Horrible Fight at the Hockey game

I am updating from the lightning game. After I posted earlier things got better and we cleaned up the house. It was actually kind of fun bonding together and doing laundry and stuff. We got our little ferret back thanks to very nice people who found her. When we were done cleaning we watched some of the football game. Then. He and I started screaming about the fact that I want him to dress better. The only time he ever wears nice clothes is when he goes to an on site appointment for work. Other than that he wears pajamas all the time. I just want him to wear nice clothes and shower and brush his teeth. I seriously have to ask him if he has brushed his teeth before I kiss him so I don't smell his bad breath. He never used to do this in the beginning. The one thing that I noticed about him when we first started dating was how clean he kept himself, and how good he dressed. All that has gone out the window. I guess since we have been together for 2 years, he doesn't want to impress me anymore. It hurts. It really is an insult to me that he smells, and only wears nice clothes when he goes to an on site appointment. Well, this is what I was talking to him about last night, and he wouldn't pay attention to me. So, I turned the football game off, and he said it was over because I was trying to control him. I really wasn't. He never pays attention to me when I talk, so, I just turned it off, it was already recording anyway.

He said it was over because I "control" him and make him wear things he doesn't and I manipulate him. That's not the case at all! I don't want him to be a damn scrub. Well, we argued for an hour, and finally he said its not over and we went to the lightning game. However, nothing was better because he left me on the way to the game, he walked away from me when I was crying, and finally when I caught up to him, I told him to knock of the bullshit. I cried outside of the arena, and we missed the entire first period because of his little act outside the arena. My borderline kicked in and I pinched him and wanted to hit him SO BAD. I was also acting paranoid that he was looking at other women while we were outside. Yeah, SO MUCH for things being better huh?

He treated me "So" good once we got inside. I told him that I appreciated that he was treating me better, but not that he was acting like nothing happened. His response was that he just wanted to forget and make things better, I accepted it and we had a better time at the game. But, THE MINUTE we got home he wanted to take a shower by himself, I should have just accepted that, but I took it personal, and we fought for 2 hours,a dn the borderline in me kicked in. I cried, beat the shit out of myself while he ignored me of course, and then we went into the bedroom to watch the Red Wings game we recorded. So, it wasn't a good day to say the least.

The Time Out

Today had been good so far. He got really frustrated and needed to take a "time-out" because when he gets into his bi-polar modes, He really insults me. Its a good idea, but when He does this, I want to IM my ex boyfriend "Larry" and tell him that I want to sleep him.. I think this is a part of BPD, being promiscuous, and wanting male attention. IDK.. I am really messed up. But, instead, I got on here to talk about it. That's a start right? If I want Him to be faithful to me, then I need to be faithful to Him, as hard as it is going to be.

The great Day

I wish I was normal. I really do. Yesterday, my boyfriend could have gone to an onsite appointment (he works from home normally) and I could have had time to myself, and danced around the house, while he made good money. But, since I am a paranoid freak I told him to convince the client for another employee to come on Monday.

I need medicine, I really do. I haven’t officially been diagnosed with BPD, but every description fits me so well.

I don’t have to go back to school until January 8th, which is nice, but I also have nothing to focus on. I need something so I can keep my mind off of things, and keep myself busy. Here is a To-Do List I hope to get accomplished for the day.

1. Call my lawyers office.
2. Find a foot pedal for sewing machine
3. Sell my Books back to the school
4. Clean up my craft room and unpack Christmas gifts
5. Clean Bed room and give away old clothes.

I think that is a big enough To-Do list for me. I don’t like creating too much of a To-Do List, because it usually never gets done and I get overwhelmed.

So, I am just going to lounge around the house today and get this stuff done. This weekend, Him and I are going to just watch the NFL Playoffs, and have a relaxing weekend. Since we have an awesome game room, probably play pool or darts or something like that. Since my school and rent were just paid, we are going to cool it on the spending for awhile!

I just found this project that people are doing. 101 things to do in 1001 days! I think this is a very good way of getting things done, its fun, and unique! Here is my list

1. Blog Daily. 30X
2. Read all of Jodi Picoults Books 13X
3. Call every single debt I owe, and come up with a payment plan.
4. Buy the foot pedal for my sewing machine
5. Go a day without yelling at anything 30X

I still have to come up with more! I have been reading this guys blog about his struggle with BPD and it is like a mirror of myself.. So I definately think that is what I have..

When I refer to my boyfriend, I will refer to him as I disguise the names.

Him and I had an amazing night last night. First, we went around the neighborhood to put up posters for our lost ferret. This guy was outside and i asked Him to go up to the guy and see if he has seen our baby Allie. When He got back, He told me the guy said that he said her and had to make some phone calls. The borderline in my kicked in totally, and I told Him to ask the guy what he meant. The guy was like..well, we took her in because she came up to my door, and we gave her to a friend. Well, IDK why he had to lie to us at first about it. I screamed at the guy and said we better get her back.

Seriously, we have been missing her for almost a week, and I almost lost hope and this guy is going to be all shady about it? Well, I was all anxious and Him and I went to the Pet store, Home Depot, and then to Red Lobster. Our dinner was soo good, I ate so much. I told Him how I found a blog on a guy with BPD, and I told Him how I was doing my own blog, and that I would not mind if he read it, but would feel better if He didnt. He agreed, and I reassured Him that nothing was secret.

After dinner, we went to an adult sex shop! At first, It was weird because I DID NOT want Him to look at the nasty naked girls. He reassured me He wouldnt, and then we got a lot of sex toys! We spent 100 dollars there last night! Lol..

We came home, and had a night full of passion. It was amazing! We played sex games on each other, and it was very very passionate.

Then, we cuddled in bed and watched the Sugar Bowl..and I totally fell asleep!

Everything has gone so well the last few days, I am just afraid it wont last..

Bad news though, I talked to some insurance guy, and he gave us some quotes on insurance. Mine would be a WHOPPING 168 a month, and His woudl be 210 per month, since he already had a pre-existing condition (bi-polar). So I do not know what we are going to do. He makes 70K a year, but that it still way too much money for insurance. I called teh "Free" mental health place, and He is going to do the same..

Wish us luck!

Will update more tonight! We are just watching football and going to the lightning hockey game tonight!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Wow this is so cool! I can update my blog from my blackberry!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year


I love new years day. It's a fresh start, new beginning, and always a fun day. Football on all day, and today, I watched the Detroit Red Wings in the Winter Classic. They kicked the Blackhawks asses! It was awesome.

So today has just been a "lazy" day, and Him and I have watched sports all day, which is always good. I am still just a little upset because everyone I invited to my New Years Eve Party, bailed. But, our friend "Jim" came and it was still a fun time.

I called the insurance guy yesterday, and we are very close to getting insurance. I need it too. I have so many problems, and I would just love to be happy and relaxed, which I never have been..

My family still isnt talking talking to me because of events that transpired over the Christmas vacation. Frankly, I dont give a damn. They judge me way too much, and I am just sick of it.