Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Sleepy head no more.

Its hard to get out of bed when you have 600 mg of Seroquel in you. I stupidly (on accident) took two Seroquel last night, when I only should be taking one. I guess I can blame it on my pot smoking. If I had been sober, the chances of me doing that are slim to none. Because of my little "mishap" I was in bed until 3 pm this afternoon. All morning I tried to force myself out of bed, but the drowsy feeling was too much to overcome, that every time I attempted to get up, I literally fell back in the bed and passed out again. Even though I would love to lay in my comfy king sized bed, with freshly washed sheets all day, and avoid the world I am so afraid of, I know this has to change. I am a young 23 year old woman, and I have to start acting that way.

Here I am, on my summer break from school, spending my days lazily laying around my house, playing video games, spending a lot of my day on Facebook just screwing around, and cleaning up around the house. Occasionally, I'll open up my book in a word document and stare at a page I have been stuck on the last few days. However, all in all, I have A. not been doing things I really enjoy for myself, and B. I haven't been very productive. I must change this "rut" I am in. My anxiety has really contributed to the way I have been spending my days.

For instance, I will put on my computer calendar "yoga every a.m." Okay, yoga is supposed to be fun right? It's not a chore, it's a hobby. Well, I treat it like some dreadful chore I have been trying to get out of. I know its my anxiety getting to me. Why would I be anxious to do yoga? I have no clue! I think it's the shear idea of doing something besides laying around all day that scares me. Change in routine or schedule freaks me out. Even if its something that is supposed to be enjoyable, like yoga.

However, tomorrow, I plan on having a relaxing and productive day, and conquering a.m. yoga. I plan on waking up at nine, doing yoga, then going to a coffee shop or library to write some in the book I am writing, and clean out our car (since there is a ton of sand in it from our beach trips). I just need to keep telling myself "Patti, getting out of the house is not scary or daunting. It's exciting, and far from boring."

Monday, August 2, 2010


As I walked into this unfamiliar, indie, hippy-ish coffee shop on Saturday night, I felt this overwhelming feeling of what I like to call "weirdness." I could not stop staring at the people in there, I could not stop feeling like I did not belong there, and as this girl approached me, I felt like saying.."Okay, I am not a freak or weirdo who plays dungeons and dragons so get me out of this place.." That was the part of me that likes to stereo-type and judge. I know, we all do it, but I think I tend to do it a little more than the average person. Every time I do something "new" or there are new and different people around me.." I get like this. I know I need to stop this immature attitude of thinking I am better than people, or I won't find any friends or people I want to hang around that will be worth my time. I will find people with the same attitude as me..cliche closed minded attitude towards life, and that is not what I want to be around. The, "I only shop at the mall and have never stepped foot into a thrift store.." type of person is not my idea of a good friend, rather than just a person with a stick up their ass..I do not want to be that "stick up their ass" person. I have grown as a person, but I need to do some more growing..UP that is, and stop being so judgmental.

I do hope I meet more new friends soon. I love my best friend dearly..but I never see her..(for various reasons that do not need to be brought up..), but I need a friend around who I can see frequently. Someone who would want to paint with me and someone I can have girl talk with. I really would love that.