This rollercoaster of UPS and DOWNS

As I sit and write this blog post today, my heart is beating, my mind is clear, and I feel ALIVE! The only thoughts running through my mind today are good thoughts. Boy, I wish everyday was like this! This feeling is invigorating! I had some vivid dreams last night..one of those included me working at an old workplace, but it was present day. I know dreams are totally random, but I kind of took that as a "sign." So, when I woke up, I was in this great, motivated mood. I went to my computer, sent an email to my old job, and asked if they had any openings! I really screwed up that job.. I was on like a 1 week hiatus, and they still took me back. I was late, along with falling asleep on the job.. But, I have a new attitude on life. I am going to acknowledge what I did, but not let it ruminate in my mind. The past is the past, and I cannot let that rule my life anymore. Easier said that done huh? I am trying, and trying my best, that's what counts right? I also am applying to other positions too. I just need something to occupy me ya know? I know I have had so many jobs in the past 5 years, but I am ready to take a step and work, even if its just part time. Part time is really all I can do especially because I am in school.

On the sex addiction front, I have had these vivid dreams of me having sex with men I have either been involved with, people I have NEVER seen before, or even actors! I know this is all part of withdrawal, and something is just TRYING to tempt me, but damnit, I am not going to give into that $#%^. Also, I have had dreams of me texting certain people, and have woken up and I thought I actually slipped! But, I havent, I am sober 17 days now, thank god.

Last night, I was really angry and hating the whole withdrawal shit, but I told my fiancee I wasnt in a good mood, I didnt throw anything or say anything I would regret later. I just said I wasnt in the mood to talk. See, it makes it really difficult having anger problems associated with BPD, and then anger problems because of my withdrawal from sex and love addiction, it makes it that much harder to succeed, but that much sweeter when I do.

Thank you everyone for the comments! It helps to know that I am not alone.