Update!!

Wow, I haven't blogged in awhile.lots has been going on in my IDE. Let's start with the sex and love addiction side ar things. I know i am a love addict, not a sex addict. I was a month sober and guess what?? I sext this guy I used to be involved with, then tegge fucking called me!! He had blocked my number for almost two months now and he calls me out of nowhere. You know how much of a rush that was for me?? I was so High, and I texted him. Then he texted me back. Eventually, he called me again! He said he would pick me up from the airport, and i said yes. I threw away my entire month of sobriety for his ass. ( this was when i was at my sisters in Virginia. Then, her and i went out and i got wasted and gave some navy guy my phone number. Can you believe how fucked up that is. This guy was nasty and gross, I did it purely for thie attention. Then, the next day my brother in law told the guy to lose my number and that i was engaged. That worked, he never txtd me. While i was at my sisters, me and my fiancee barely fought. He still worked and billed and such. We had a few titfs and that was it. I was feeling really guilty the whole time i was at my sisters because I had talked to tegge. So, I reset my sobriety date, and I even told jeff about this. He suggested I go to more meetings, and said tegge might be married. I was so angry @ the thought of thinking he might be married, so that started to make me depressed. This other guy I sext, frank, keeps texting me saying he wants to meet up and screw. Then, he texts me and says he likes me so much and misses me. I of course fell for his bullshit, and I text him back. I felt so played and so stupid. So, after a few days of being back in Florida, I was NASTY to my fiancee because I was going through withdrawal. Atleast I now know what causes me to be so nasty when I am not acting out. The next step is to prevent those withdrawal feelings. Last week frank said he wanted to get a hotel with me, and I played along with it, but then I backed out of it and told him the truth about my love addiction. He thinks I am single and not with my fiancee, so, eventually I need to come clean about that too, I just dont know when the time will be right to do that. I have tried to stop myself from acting out, but I have to realize I am powerless over love and sex. Since I still have that mentality, that shows me I am not even CLOSE to where I need to be right now. Even though I came clean about my addIction, that doesnt mean I am doing everything I can do either, but I gotta start somewhere dont I? My sobriety date is now April 16th.. Sucks, but I have to look forward. I am making the decision that I must be sexually sober (mentally, physically, emotionally) before I start having sex with my fiancee again. I have to tell him this tonight, and itll last 28 days. I just hope he shares my same goals.

New meds..life.

I am currently at school, bored out of my mind waiting for Biology to start. God I hate that class. It is insanely boring, and I really like science. It is jsut the teacher, he really doesnt know how to teach at all.

I just got done taking my Psychology test. It wasnt so bad, seeing that I have missed like 3 classes, I still knew most of the material. Hopefully I get an A on it!

Tonight we are just going to a hockey game. We havent gone in a few weeks because of the Olympics, but play resumes and hopefully they win..

My BPD has pretty much been under control since I went on Seroquel. A situation happened the other day where normally I would want to be violent, but I did not even feel rage or anger at all! I felt totally calm, and I am grateful for that! These meds really really are working!!

I am six days sober from sex and love addiction :)

Relapse..

I am now almost a week sober. YES, I was 3 weeks sober, but I "slipped." I sexted one of my friends, and that is one of my bottom lines. For those of you not familiar with sex addiction or love addiction, my bottom lines are things I WILL NOT and CANNOT do. For instance, one of my bottom lines is to not "Sext" other men. Since I did not follow that rule the other day, my sobriety date must start over :(. Just like if I was an alcoholic and took a drink, I am 5 days sober right now, so hopefully I can get to a week again. That is my first goal.

I have had such an urge to text Michael. He is someone I was involved with a few months ago. We never had sex, but we kissed and I felt like I "loved" him. But, it was just my addict acting out. Michael blocked my number bc I cannot call him or send texts to him. I even wanted to call him from a different phone line, but that would just be ridiculous. I guess it is a good thing that he blocked my number, because if he didnt, I would have had to reset my sobriety date yet again.

This whole addiction thing is pretty difficult to deal with, but I actually have been praying lately. When I am down, or stressed, I pray for clarity and strength to get through some tough times in the day. We went to church yesterday. I havent been to church in months, and its funny how we actually decided to go. Me and my fiancee have been talking about finding a church, but one we feel comfortable with. We were kind of just exercising the idea at first. Then, on Friday we wanted to take the dogs for a walk and go rollerblading at this park we came across a few months ago. But, when we got there, the park was closed and we found an empty parking lot to park at and just walk the doggies around an apartment complex. This was not just any parking lot though!! It was a huge church parking lot. After we peeked inside, we went home and looked it up online. It was non denominational, you can wear jeans, and they have tons of things for college-aged people! I really dont think this is just a coincidence either. I really think God put us in that spot at that very time. We decided we were going to go there on Sunday, and we did! It was actually very nice and we are going to go back again.

School is going well, I got an A on my math test again! I am very pleased with myself with my grades. Biology is another story..we havent had any grades in that class yet, and the mid term is Thursday. But, we can drop the midterm and place it with something else, which is probably what I am going to have to do!

My fiancee and I are good. We havent been fighting as much, but when we do, I havent felt like punching him. I am now on Seroquel and Celexa. I got these new meds from my Doctor last week, and they seem to be working. Seroquel really knocks me out though, hopefully it gets in my system soon and I get used to it quickly!

This rollercoaster of UPS and DOWNS

As I sit and write this blog post today, my heart is beating, my mind is clear, and I feel ALIVE! The only thoughts running through my mind today are good thoughts. Boy, I wish everyday was like this! This feeling is invigorating! I had some vivid dreams last night..one of those included me working at an old workplace, but it was present day. I know dreams are totally random, but I kind of took that as a "sign." So, when I woke up, I was in this great, motivated mood. I went to my computer, sent an email to my old job, and asked if they had any openings! I really screwed up that job.. I was on like a 1 week hiatus, and they still took me back. I was late, along with falling asleep on the job.. But, I have a new attitude on life. I am going to acknowledge what I did, but not let it ruminate in my mind. The past is the past, and I cannot let that rule my life anymore. Easier said that done huh? I am trying, and trying my best, that's what counts right? I also am applying to other positions too. I just need something to occupy me ya know? I know I have had so many jobs in the past 5 years, but I am ready to take a step and work, even if its just part time. Part time is really all I can do especially because I am in school.

On the sex addiction front, I have had these vivid dreams of me having sex with men I have either been involved with, people I have NEVER seen before, or even actors! I know this is all part of withdrawal, and something is just TRYING to tempt me, but damnit, I am not going to give into that $#%^. Also, I have had dreams of me texting certain people, and have woken up and I thought I actually slipped! But, I havent, I am sober 17 days now, thank god.

Last night, I was really angry and hating the whole withdrawal shit, but I told my fiancee I wasnt in a good mood, I didnt throw anything or say anything I would regret later. I just said I wasnt in the mood to talk. See, it makes it really difficult having anger problems associated with BPD, and then anger problems because of my withdrawal from sex and love addiction, it makes it that much harder to succeed, but that much sweeter when I do.

Thank you everyone for the comments! It helps to know that I am not alone.

Two weeks and one day!

That's right, I am 15 days sober as of today. I am feeling great about myself. I really think I can conquer this addiction, not by myself of course, but with the help of a higher power and others in S.L.A.A, I can do it. I still have yet to find a sponsor..I just fear that someone will say they aren't ready to be a sponsor, and I will probably take it personal, like I always do.. But I have to try and not do that! It isnt all about me!

I have stopped going to the co-ed Sunday meetings, I just like the all women friday meetings much much better. I can relate to them more, and some people in the Sunday meeting freaked me out..


Now, for the BPD..I am doing "better" but I did have a FREAK out yesterday. My fiancee said he didnt like the way I was talking to him, so he decided to demand that I say something exactly the way he wanted me to say it. So, I in turn flipped out, and broke a curtain rod along with other things. I do have to try harder with my anger, but at the same time, I cannot just sit there and continuously be pushed, or this is what happens. Next time, i think I will just walk away instead of keeping the fight going. However, it is not worth the pain and strife of breaking things! I would much rather just walk away and come back at a later time. This is just so difficult for me to do! I need to try better, try harder, think of the pros and cons! I can really do this!

Feeling better today

It is early in the day, but I can already tell it is going better than yesterday already. I feel better, my mind is clearer, and I just have a better outlook on life as it is today.

As of today, I am 12 days sober! I am very proud of myself. I have stuck to my "bottom lines." I have texted Ea when I feel like acting out, and I just feel better about myself. Today is the all woman's S.L.A.A. meeting, and I want to try and find a sponsor today! I need one desperately. I cannot rely on my friends to help me through this addiction. I need someone who has been sober for a good period of time, and can relate to this addiction themselves.

I used to be, not necessarily weirded out by this addiction, but clueless about it, and I felt ashamed to be addicted to love and sex. However, now I am just embracing it. This is a part of me, and there is nothing wrong with this disease! I am trying to stay sober, and I am just embracing this part of myself :)

Withdrawal sucks

My anger has increased a lot today, and I JUST realized today that is has EVERYTHING to do with my sex and love addiction. I found this online chat, its for sex and love addicts. Its nice, because when there are not any face to face meetings really late at night, or in the morning or something, I have this chat to talk on and to get some advice. Well, I have been really angry, depressed, and have had no motivation to do anything at all recently. I have missed two days of classes and just haven't felt like myself at all. I then hopped on to the chat, and the people in there told me I am probably just going through withdrawal. It feels much better to know there is a reason why I am being a bitch and being so sad lately.

I have an urge to text one of my Q's..(qualifiers). I know there is no point in texting him, its just going to make me feel empty and alone, and get me into trouble down the line, and it is not worth it.

11 days sober!