New years eve was a bust.

I didn't mention to anyone what a "wonderful" new years eve I had. Thank god my fiancee was there, because I would have gone crazy if he wasn't.

Before we drank copious amounts of alcohol, it was miserable being @ his parents house. Him and I would strike up a conversation with is mom, dad, or someone else in the family, and they would totally STOP listening to us. Then, he would shout and be like " I guess we were done and no one is listening anymore.." They didn't even hear it. It was like we were invisible. It was terrible.

However, when we started drinking, everything didn't even matter anymore. It was actually rather fun after that. Then, his mom passed out the family Christmas card to everyone and you won't even believe what these people wrote..

"You can tell that Carrie is already in control of this relationship..she convinced our son to go to Michigan for Christmas.."

Yeah. That is what these people put in their Christmas card they send out to all of the family AND their friends. That didn't make me too happy and we brought this up a few days later and what do they day? His mother laughs and says "For Heavens sakes it was a joke."

There is no point in telling these people your feelings, they frankly don't care about anyone but themselves and their other son, grandson, and daughter in law.

'Right where I was before..

I have NEVER been abused sexually or physically by anyone in my entire life, so what excuse do I have for ending up a love addict? I have tried to make this addiction disappear, but I cant. A real addiction will not just disappear on its own. In fact, it will never disappear.

For about a full month (up until a few days ago) I have been "Clean." I have not texted anyone raunchy or inappropriate things, nor have I met up with any men behind my fiancee's back. This line in the book Love sick fits me to a "T"

"Vaguely I recognize it is wrong to seduce a man when I am engaged to be married. Then, I try to set standards. I try to admit there might be a problem here. I try to imitate what I consider normal behavior. I cook, clean..I am especially diligent on the job. I am quiet, proper, bland, and calm. But, I am not really sober. Because eventually, whether after four days or four years, this blandness makes me restless and edgy. Then, I find a man, and I am right smack back where I began this cycle of addiction."

Even though I have been "clean" for a month or so.. I have texted certain men inappropriate things that I shouldnt and I am right back to where I started. One of them wanted me to pick them up from the airport, and thankfully my wise mind told him I couldnt. I looked into sex addiction meetings and there is one for this week. I think I am going to go.

What I want in 2010

-Paint more
-Practice DBT skills daily
-Attend sex addict meetings
-Try to stop holding grudges
-Eat healthier
-Run and exercise daily
-Be nicer to my fiancee
-Walk away when I need to if I feel angry.
-Stop being violent towards inanimate objects.
-Be on time and keep appointments

New years eve tonight!

New years eve tonight @ His parents house tonight. Should be interesting..

We went to dinner with his parents, his brother, and his sister in law. At first, I was really really excited to go, but it started to suck pretty quick. Here, it was an engagement dinner for US. However, his brother and his wife were the center of attention like always. We talked about their kid almost the whole time and the only reason we started to talk about our wedding was because my fiancee brought it up. It was terrible. His mom was talking about how you have to put your salad plate on the left and your dinner plate on the right. It was so painful having dinner with people like that. Usually, I have fun when I am with them but it felt so forced and superficial last night that I could not stand it for another second.

Him and I fought a lot when we got home. I feel bad because it isn't his fault that his parents are like that at all. So, I am not really looking forward to tonight at all. But, we are just going to drink like fish and party the night away even though they will be there. We will just forget about them and try to have fun regardless.

I am engaged, and life is good.

Wow!!It has been a little since I have blogged but I have been on the road, and in Michigan for christmas!!

The first bit of news is that I am engaged! I cannot believe it, He proposed in front of my ENTIRE family. I was pretty sure that he was going to propose around Christmas, because I knew he got a rin..I just didnt know he was going to do it the way he did :) I am very very happy and I am so damn lucky that I have him in my life. Anyone else would have left me by now.

Christmas and the vacation was overall AWESOME. My step dad was actually more than cordial to me, he was really really nice which was a good change from the way he has treated me in the past. My sister didnt really start anything but she was being a little nosey and bitchy some of the time, but I did use my DBT skills and I didnt react to it at all.

My dad was ok. We spent a day with him, part of Christmas, and his birthday, all of which were nice. It was just that in the beginning he baile don us at first, but that was kind of expected with him. Overall, it was good and not that bad at all with him.

So, all in all I had a pretty good vacation, and the fights with me and Him (my fiancee) were to a minimum. The only bad thing was that I had a "freak out" on the way home because he was being nasty and moody to me, I broke part of my stereo LCD screen..sucks that I did that, but atleast it didnt last too long. I have to look at hte positives I guess.

We are almost home and we are going to a hockey game tonight with His family, should be fun.

"Till next time..

Borderline Moments

I guess I am having somewhat of a "Borderline moment," or whatever..

I am really looking forward to the holidays with my family. Me and my boyfriend are driving up to Michigan Saturday. I am excited, but I feel like me and my family will just fight at some point. Especially me and my step-dad. I like the guy, I do. I really have nothing against him at all. But, he hates me. Ever since he met my mom, he has seriously had it out for me. He blames me for things, and he just treats me like garbage.

I am going to be the bigger person and be nice to him, but if he ignores me or feels like treating me badly, I am going to say something about it. I know my mom will be upset, because she will think I am trying to "ruin christmas." But, that is not what I am trying to do. I have self respect and I am so sick of people like my step dad who think they can treat me badly and blame me for everything and that everyone will take his side for it. So, I am going to stick up for myself for once with him.

Besides that, things are going okay. I have been a little down lately because I graduated my DBT class, and you would think that would be a good thing, but it really isnt. Even thought I went to 90 percent of the meetings, I didnt really pay attention to the class because I was so damn anxious. But, I do have the folder and I am going to focus on DBT skills and mastering them other than individualizing what I need to do differently, so hopefully that helps me out. I really just want the DBT skills to help my anger, anxiety, and jealousy problems..

Today I feel like being lazy, but I am allowed because school doesnt start for another three weeks!!

A little more conversation.. <3

I haven't written in sometime..

Things have been alright. I used a DBT skill last week, I am not sure which one..but it had something to do with prompting events. My therapist said if we keep making the same mistakes, the same things are going to keep happening, that we have to BREAK THE CYCLE.

If we want a desirable outcome, we must work for it. I was really down about Math class, because I had to study, study, study to even pass the class. The odds were definately against me. I had to retake a test for a better grade and I had to do somewhat well on the final. But, I told myself, I want to pass this class don't I? Then, I have to do the work required in order to pass this class. If I keep doing the bare minimum work, I will get bare minimum results. So, I did everything in my power to study for the test. I re took the test, and I studied away. My teacher said she would have the grade in a week. I told myself that I did the best I could do. (and that was the truth, I really really did) All of a sudden last week I checked my grades, and I got a C!!!!!! I passed the class! I did it all by myself really. My friend came over a few times to help me, but I think all he wanted to do was check me out..he wasnt really interested in helping me per Se..

I am just really proud of myself. I passed my class and I did it myself because I did the work that was necessary. But, all in all, I did it, and that makes me happy.

Tonight, I had great conversation with my boyfriend. We had a great dinner, and we drank copious amounts of wine. Then, we took a shower, and he made me feel amazing. He told me he is sorry for everything he has ever, ever done or said to me to hurt me. We took an hour long shower, and made love. Then we laid in bed for 3 hours, talking until midnight about things, things that were real. I was being so real with him and it felt good to talk about my childhood..fears..etc..

I just wish I could talk so real like this when I was sober..but hopefully in the future that will work itself out. I just know I had the best conversation with him tonight and I was completely open with him, and he was completely open with me. I love him, I really really do. It is hard for me to experience good emotions (being BPD and all) but, I do love him, that is one thing I am sure about.